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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723938">Depths of Winter</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye'>Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>SHIELD Therapy [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:40:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Life in the wake of Hydra's exposure and the Winter Soldier's reveal.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.<br/>Albert Camus</p>
</div>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>SHIELD Therapy [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1446400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Kids Ain't All Right</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The funeral of Agent Miguel Gray was well attended and off limits to media. His parents, older than Loki thought they would be, could barely hold in their tears. His siblings, biological as well as adopted, sought him out as well as his partner Daniel. They wanted to hear about his work, the last days of his life, whatever they had missed in between calls and family get togethers. The coworkers who had survived the initial Hydra purge from Project Insight going live attended the funeral but didn't talk to Loki or Daniel. Shannon Tran attended with her fiancé Henry, both somber and silent throughout the funeral procession. The Avengers were present, quietly honoring the agent they had known.</p>
<p>Loki stood to the side as Miguel's parents greeted Daniel and spoke to him in low tones. He wouldn't be greeted, parents wouldn't want to—</p>
<p>To his shock, they turned to him after and Miguel's mother clasped his hand, eyes red rimmed and tears still silently running down her cheeks. "He said you were friends, that you weren't just a job for him. He trusted you."</p>
<p>"I couldn't protect him," Loki said, shaken by her words. Her blue eyes were so earnest, her gray-streaked brown hair drawn back into a simple ponytail. She didn't appear the type to say what she didn't mean, and had instilled such a quality in her adopted son.</p>
<p>"But I know you would've tried," she said, lips trembling as tears continued to run. "For that, I thank you. You were there for him in the end, and you <i>tried."</i></p>
<p>"I wasn't enough," Loki said, voice breaking.</p>
<p>"You <i>tried,"</i> she insisted again, her grip on his hand growing painful. "You're more than what the news said, and you <i>tried.</i> You're hurting like us, you're mourning him."</p>
<p>He didn't deserve these words. They smacked of praise, and he didn't deserve them. Discomfited, he tried to gently disengage from her grip, but she refused to be shaken. She was the one that spoke in the household. Gray had always said that. His father was the stoic one, the one to hang back and let his mother say everything for them. Loki looked past Mrs. Gray and found him two steps behind, jaw clenched tight and eyes staring off into the distance. No, there was no help coming from that quarter. Whether he believed the same as Mrs. Gray or not, Mr. Gray would not say anything different at this funeral.</p>
<p>"He was a good man," Loki agreed finally. "He deserved better."</p>
<p>That was good enough for Mrs. Gray, because she lessened her grip and moved on. Loki was still shaken, throat closed up tight as if it would obstruct his breathing. Which was ridiculous, because Gray was human and always would've died before Loki did. Gray was aware of his mortality, knew that every day since the Hydra infestation was revealed that he could be in danger for trying to do the right thing. That didn't stop him from trying, even when it probably should have. He went with Loki and Shannon to retrieve Wanda and Pietro Maximoff to help the Avengers, all of them thinking that Shannon's former roommate Gina was one of them.</p>
<p>He deserved better than to die at the hands of a woman he thought was a trustworthy friend, saving someone that might not have deserved it.</p>
<p>Loki shouldn't have held back. Once he realized that Gina was working with SHIELD, that she wanted the Infinity Stone that Wanda possessed, he should've charged forward. He wasn't wearing his spelled armor as he would've been if fighting for Asgard, but he was hardier than Gray. He was more than mortal.</p>
<p>His indecision killed Gray, and in the aftermath of the Triskelion meeting, Loki had nothing to distract him from that truth.</p>
<p>The Grays didn't seek out everyone, just the ones they knew of from Gray's tales during their family get togethers. Shannon Tran and her fiancé were awkward when interacting with Gray's other relatives, or friends he managed to keep outside of SHIELD business. Poor Shannon looked distraught, as badly as she had when her father had his stroke.</p>
<p>She didn't notice his approach right away, and remained standing to the side of the room where everyone was congregating. Loki didn't feel out of sorts with that for a change. He was feeling rather odd and unlike himself as well. Of course there would be things that went unnoticed. Of course he wasn't the center of her universe. Henry was beside her, holding onto her hand and speaking quietly.</p>
<p>Henry looked up as Loki approached, falling silent. Shannon finally looked up, her expression drawn and eyes wet with tears. Her hair was tightly braided, and she hadn't bothered with makeup at all. She looked young and fragile, the unrelieved black clothing making her seem even smaller and delicate.</p>
<p>"Shannon," Loki began, voice cracking.</p>
<p>Her expression shuttered. "I can't... I can't take on anything else right now."</p>
<p>Oh. She thought he needed her to process his grief. Because she was all about <i>process,</i> but she was grieving as well. He knew her enough to know that she felt deeply, and that the appearance of professionalism was just that.</p>
<p>"I wanted to know if it's appropriate to ask for a hug," he said in a small voice.</p>
<p>The shuttered expression shattered and she burst into tears as she nodded. They held onto each other tightly. Loki breathed in deeply, shampoo and laundry soap, nothing fancy around her today. She hadn't been able to manage it. Lifting his eyes to Henry, he extended the arm closest to him and beckoned him closer. Soon enough the three of them were holding onto each other, a quiet island of grief within a sea of it, and Loki had to hold them close. He needed Shannon, she needed Henry. If he didn't have them...</p>
<p>Well, he knew what he would do. He'd raze the world to the ground and be consumed by his bitterness and rage. It was exactly what he would have done if the original plan had failed and he would've been subject to Thanos' reprisal.</p>
<p>"Is there room for more in there?"</p>
<p>Loki pulled back and straightened his back; he had curled around Shannon and Henry somewhat, being so much taller than them and wanting to protect them. Pietro was there, Wanda next to him, an uncertain expression on his face. They were as betrayed and lost as he was, as Shannon and Henry were.</p>
<p>"Of course," he murmured, and the twins crowded in close.</p>
<p>Okay. He had these two as well. He wasn't <i>completely</i> alone here. Knowing that helped him more than he thought it would.</p>
<p>Later, he would honor Miguel Gray in the way of his ancestors. He should've thought of it before, but he had been too numb to think of it. This was the way humans did funerals, and he didn't have the body to burn and send off to Valhalla. But he had office supplies that Gray had used, whatever hadn't been boxed up for Daniel that Loki hadn't been able to return. He could use those as an offering to buy Gray passage into Valhalla.</p>
<p>He deserved no less.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>The Asset was in a cage. Oh, it was a pretty cage, with a soft bed and textured walls instead of metal bars and sharp things, but it was still a cage. One wall had a window that could open and food plates would pass through. The toilet, sink and shower stall were on that wall so that no one peeking in through that window would see him. No mirrors or potentially sharp objects unless he ripped the bedframe from where it was bolted into the floor. He probably could with his left arm, through the servos groaned and some of the plates didn't move properly. Testing the wall with slight pressure didn't evoke any punishments, and also indicated that the walls were strongly reinforced. If he was to punch through it, punishment could be meted out before a hole could be made, let alone one big enough for him to pass through.<p>He was monitored, he knew he was. The Asset wasn't stupid. Memories bled through sometimes, where he wasn't just the Asset. He was something else, something more and less at once, with a history that the Asset couldn't touch.</p>
<p>
  <i>I'm with you 'till the end of the line.</i>
</p>
<p>Shaking his head, he got up and paced the length of his cell, then pressed his hands to the wall again, resting his forehead between his hands. The wall was cool, the textures not unpleasant. It was meant to be a soothing room, but he knew it was a cell.</p>
<p>These were not Hydra handlers, so he didn't know what they wanted from him. The last time he had been with handlers outside of the Hydra system, he had almost been human again. They had stopped that quickly, and then he had been wiped clean and frozen.</p>
<p>Red hair, red dresses. Blood on the snow. Shivers and fevered kisses in dark corners. Whispers in the dark. <i>Hurry, hurry, hurry, we mustn't let them see...</i></p>
<p>Children. He remembered children, and they weren't all right. They weren't normal. Something had happened to them, and he remembered rows of blank eyes and perfect pigtails. Remembered shock still burned his gut. Carefully tended knives and Makarov pistols, paper targets and men who opposed the program. One by one by one, cut down and blood spilled.</p>
<p>It hadn't been just the girls. He had killed himself. Knives and guns and rifles, the metal fist to the face or clasped around a throat.</p>
<p>He remembered. He remembered <i>everything.</i></p>
<p>Perhaps this was his punishment. This was his torture. It would be kinder to wipe him clean and make him forget, after all. He would be empty, only the Asset. No name, no memories, no need to feel or yearn or know anything.</p>
<p>Closing his eyes didn't blot out the memories. If anything, that made them sharper, more intense. They played against the backdrop of his shut eyelids, the cries of fear and pain. Pleading with him to live a little longer. Dead bodies falling. Carefully placed bullets, whether through the inconsequential or by ricochet.</p>
<p>The Asset was very good at what he did, and the Russians saw fit to make sure he was always in fighting form. It was what he was good for. He wasn't meant to be anything else.</p>
<p>Opening his eyes and moving back to lie down on the bed, he stared up at the white ceiling. He sometimes had glimpses of lives before that, of a thin man he felt protective of, brunettes and redheads laughing as they danced. Scarcity due to war efforts, lies on his tongue to make family members feel better about the fact that he was leaving.</p>
<p>
  <i>You can't go! We won't get by without you!</i>
</p>
<p>Something burned and hurt in his chest, but there was no point in screaming or replying. The memory was hazy and faint, but it felt as real as the dancing girls that were little more than children. <i>We make them into something more. Those are still early in training. Come, let us introduce you to our top student.</i></p>
<p>Shivering, he closed his eyes. Memories slid over each other, and the drugs in his system were fading. That was uncomfortable, painful at times as his gut cramped and the electric shock feelings began. Food was bland but nutritious, no poison to avoid. They didn't want to kill him, at least not yet.</p>
<p>He'd failed an assignment. That would lead to a punishment. That would be severe, and he didn't want to deal with the punishment. It was all he could think of; years ago, one of his handlers had tested the limits of his healing as punishment. Perhaps that data was shared with others, perhaps it wasn't. The Asset didn't know, and didn't dare to bring it up. If it wasn't shared, he didn't want to give his new captors any ideas.</p>
<p>Food arrived again, nutritious but not very flavorful. He was tired, and the more tired he got, the more difficult it was to think of himself as the Asset. Flashes of Bucky were coming through, or James, or whatever other name he carried. It was exhausting to try to sort them out, to figure out who he was supposed to be. Everything was exhausting. Everything drew too much out of him. It was easier to let a handler give directions, to point him where he needed to go, to tell him what needed killing and then just let him go. Making those decisions for himself were hard.</p>
<p>The man from the bridge and the helicarrier, the blond that refused to fight him, the man that said he knew the Asset... Something had helped shake loose memories of being Bucky. But how much of that was real and how much of it was trying to invent memories to keep him happy? He doubted his handler was still alive. With the mess that the helicarrier decks had been, the fire fights in the hallways and the shooting in the aftermath, the only way the Asset wasn't with his handler was if he was dead.</p>
<p>Thoughts whirled in his head in unhappy eddies. He closed his eyes and let his breathing even out, waiting for sleep to come. Whoever his new handler was, he was safe for the moment. The handler didn't want him dead, but didn't think much about his emotional wellbeing. That was par for the course, and was paradoxically comforting.</p>
<p>He let himself sleep, dreaming of blue eyes and blond hair, blood tacky on his fingers.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Steve had felt awkward at the funeral. He hadn't known Gray well, yet had been thanked by the man's parents and partner. Instead of saying <i>I didn't do anything, you shouldn't congratulate me for anything,</i> he understood that it was their way of getting closure. Steve may not have done anything with Gray in SHIELD, but he'd never made the man feel uncomfortable in Avengers Tower. He treated him like a member of the team, had never looked upon him as anything less than a fellow agent to help the world.<p>Sam sidled up to him afterward, a glass of something so ridiculously alcoholic that Steve could smell it before Sam could even press it into his hand. "See if this does something."</p>
<p>Knocking back the entire glass at once, Steve swallowed down the burn. "l definitely know there's alcohol in that," he said with a grimace.</p>
<p>"More alcohol than Everclear," Sam said helpfully. "Probably can get past that ridiculous super soldier serum. If not, I've a mind to ask Loki to craft something or get in touch with Thor. They have something to get gods drunk, it should work for you."</p>
<p>"I kind of feel it?"</p>
<p>"Good. Tony was making some kind of funky homebrew for you." Sam took the glass back and squeezed Steve's hand. "We're gonna leave early, okay? I see how awkward you feel."</p>
<p>"Oh god, does Miguel's parents think I don't—"</p>
<p>"I know you feel that way because I know you," Sam said, cutting him off. "I told his mother that we don't want to draw attention away from him if anyone in the media tries to muscle in to talk to Avengers."</p>
<p>Steve's face crumpled. "We haven't helped enough, have we?"</p>
<p>Sam tugged him off to the side, a distant corner where no one would really notice them. As much as the two haven't even formally dated yet, he pulled Steve down for a kiss. "No guilt, man. We did what we could. That's all anyone can do. Just be there, do the right thing, keep on doing it even when the world is falling down around you."</p>
<p>Giving Sam a watery smile, Steve nodded. "Right. Right."</p>
<p>"I think you forgot your own words. You inspire people to do the right thing. You're not perfect, and there's a price to pay for freedom. You said you were willing to pay it, and others would be, too." When Steve opened his mouth, Sam held up a hand. "Don't belittle Miguel's choice to save their lives. He knew what he was doing, too."</p>
<p>The words were a lance to his chest. Peggy had said the same of Bucky once upon a time. They all had choices, they all had wanted to help others, regardless of the personal cost.</p>
<p>"It's a high price," he said, voice cracking.</p>
<p>"Yeah," Sam agreed, nodding. He grasped Steve's hands tightly in his. "But worth it."</p>
<p>Blowing out a short breath, Steve nodded. "You're right."</p>
<p>"Of course I am," Sam said, lightening the mood a little. "That's why you'd better listen to me."</p>
<p>Smiling again, Steve let Sam lead him out of the funeral home.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Clint found Natasha outside the funeral hall, leaning against the back wall. "Hey." He handed her a glass of wine. "You're missing out on the good shit."<p>Natasha gave him a wan smile. "I know what they have. I helped plan part of it."</p>
<p>"Which is why there's all your favorite vintages there."</p>
<p>"I figured Maria owed me."</p>
<p>Watching as she started drinking the wine, Clint leaned against the wall beside her. "Are we resigning from SHIELD, then? Sticking with the Avengers full time?"</p>
<p>She blew out a slow breath, then sipped the wine again. "I haven't decided yet. I knew what I wanted to do," she said before he could begin to speak. "I knew I had a ledger to balance. And we've put a serious dent in all the harm I did. But this? We saved a lot of lives, but we also took a lot of them. Even if Tony's AI is gone, a lot of damage was done before that."</p>
<p>"You also count potential lives taken," Clint reminded her. "And every Hydra death means that many more SHIELD agents and good people that live on."</p>
<p>Nodding, Natasha looked off into the distance without really seeing anything. "There's no escaping death, really. And it's one of the names that people have for me."</p>
<p>"You're more than an agent of death. You're more than your skill set."</p>
<p>Natasha's smile was small and sad. "Maybe."</p>
<p>"No maybe about it. You're worthy, Natasha. We can call Thor so you can hold his hammer if you need to." He pulled a face once realized what he said. "That sounded so dirty."</p>
<p>She laughed in spite of herself. "It does, doesn't it?"</p>
<p>Clint plucked the glass of wine out of her hand and downed the remainder all at once. Usually she would frown and lecture about the proper way to drink wine. Today, she said nothing as he put the glass aside and then pressed up close into her personal space. "It's hard, Nat. Sometimes you don't win. Sometimes all you can do is count your losses. But we didn't entirely lose. Hydra's on the run and we've got the Winter Soldier. Maybe we can get Bucky out of him, maybe we can't. but we're able to try, and that's better than anyone would have thought we could do. I count that as a win, and you should, too."</p>
<p>Natasha pulled him in for a kiss, then closed her eyes and simply leaned into him. "Some things you know logically but just can't feel emotionally."</p>
<p>"I know."</p>
<p>"Just hold onto me, Nat," Clint murmured. "I've got you. I've always got you."</p>
<p>She nodded against his chest and simply held him tightly. "And I've got you."</p>
<p>"Always."</p>
<p>For a long time, they simply stood there, wrapped in each others' arms, glad that they were together and alive when so many others weren't.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Dark In My Imagination</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The redhead approached the window, and the Asset supposed he should have expected people to use it sooner or later. She didn't try to jump through it or threaten him with a gun. She simply stood there, recognition and something more in her eyes. <i>You could at least remember me,</i> she'd said, but he couldn’t remember who she was supposed to be.</p><p>"You're currently in Avengers Tower," she said. "The walls are reinforced."</p><p>He nodded slowly. "I could feel strength in them."</p><p>She was quiet for a long moment. <span>"что ты помнишь обо мне?"</span></p><p>The switch to Russian from English was abrupt. Someone else was listening, and they likely didn't know Russian. This was something she didn't want that individual to know. That pointed to a personal connection she wanted to keep secret.</p><p>Without changing his blank expression, he stared at her. "I shot you."</p><p>"Yes, you did," she agreed. "Besides that."</p><p>He remembered saying она моя on the bridge. <i>She's mine.</i> Why had he said that? She hadn't been part of his mission. But he needed to follow her with the same intensity of filling a mission's parameters.</p><p>Large swaths of his memory had been carved out, and it hadn't returned yet.</p><p>"I don't know," he said finally. "Sometimes I think I remember the past."</p><p>She nodded, unsurprised, gaze unreadable. "And the things you think you remember?"</p><p>"Bloody, mostly," he murmured.</p><p>She nodded again, still unsurprised. "Yes, it was."</p><p>"You know me," he said, watching her closely. Something was between them, maybe something awful, maybe not. He didn't remember, though he knew it was something important.</p><p>"Those in the spy community know of you," she said, and he saw something more flicker behind her eyes. "They call you the Winter Soldier."</p><p>"Why?" he asked.</p><p>Too much was being left unspoken. He needed more than that. Too many vague "something" thoughts, and it swirled in his mind like the fog he used to be frozen into. He <i>knew</i> her, and not just because he had seen her though the end of a scope. She was too familiar, the flash of red and the way her eyes took him in.</p><p>She was talking about poetry, about how soldiers were quick to fight in summers but few would stay to continue the fight in winter. He listened more to the cadence of her words, the ebb and flow, and he could hear the Russian lilt in his memories. That voice, that husky tone, though he couldn't make out the words she used to say to him.</p><p>"We were more than that," he said suddenly, interrupting her. "More than predator and prey, more than teacher and student. I remember an impression."</p><p>That unsettled her, though she was too much a professional to let it show in anything but her eyes. He felt as though he had swallowed a bitter heart at the sight. What was he? The Asset to her? Bucky? James Barnes?</p><p>"Who was I?" he asked quietly. "Who was I, really?"</p><p>Her tongue passed along the seam of her lips. She was thinking, weighing options. He knew that gesture, the way it delayed the inevitable.</p><p>
  <i>Comrade, you don't break your tools just because you're in a mood.</i>
</p><p>Who had he said that to?</p><p>"I didn't want them to hurt you. I didn't want them to do anything to you. The graduation ceremony was a mockery, I remember that much. But I don't remember what it was."</p><p>She blanched, her entire body swaying back a half step. "Considering you didn't remember anything before, not even your name, I would think your healing factor is trying to repair the damage that Hydra agents did to your brain."</p><p>Brisk, efficient. A mask to hide behind. She would lick her wounds in private.</p><p>"Natalia," he said, the name rolling off his tongue as if it belonged there. Then with the Russian accent for good measure. <span>"Наталия. сообщение,"</span> he said, but that didn't help her.</p><p>If anything, she said <span>"нет,"</span> and then left the room.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Director Maria Hill wasn't looking forward to meeting with Dr. Shannon Tran or Loki, let alone the two together, but it still had to be done. Nothing would happen if she kept putting it off, and the two had to know that there would be support within SHIELD. Whatever else happened, the remaining agents would still be there to protect them.<p>Assuming there was still a SHIELD when all the DC hearings were done.</p><p>Despite longing an extremely long cocktail, Hill had her secretary buzz in Dr. Tran and Loki. It was a difference that set her apart from Fury; he preferred a door on a buzzer and let people in on his own grand gestures. Hill intended to show this was an organization with formal protocols and procedures that everyone was subject to. No point in destroying Hydra and keeping parts of SHIELD if they couldn't earn trust back.</p><p>Loki preceded Dr. Tran, who wore a stark white blouse with a black pantsuit, black eyeliner and a slash of mauve for lipstick. Hill remembered her with brighter colors before. This must be her way to mourn while professional. It was impossible for Hill to tell with Loki, as he generally wore a lot of black to begin with.</p><p>"Please be seated," she said, crisp tones and straight-backed posture.</p><p>This was a different office than the one she had threatened Loki and Agent Gray in. Loki's posture relaxed fractionally, but he still didn't trust her. Not that he trusted anyone other than his therapist according to the dossier he had, but at least he was on alert and willing to listen. Dr. Tran was new to this office, and generally hadn't come to Fury for much. Once she had gotten her transfer to California, she hadn't contacted him at all.</p><p>"I apologize if you're still mourning," she began, figuring she should acknowledge their loss before moving on, "but there are a lot of housekeeping things to take care of, and your position in SHIELD is one that I would rather take care of personally."</p><p>Dr. Tran swallowed, then looked at Loki. "You have the weregild, still."</p><p>"If Shannon is not my therapist, I will not repay it."</p><p>Ah. With their priorities outright discussed, Hill could address it. Perfect. She preferred being direct, anyway. That drama and subterfuge shit had to go.</p><p>"My every intention is to keep Dr. Tran working with you, Loki. And I realize that she works with the Avengers." Her gaze at Loki was direct. "Are you?"</p><p>He was startled. "What?"</p><p>"Working with the Avengers," Hill repeated. "If you are, then it would matter regarding availability here, which agent I might pair with you." She didn't miss the slight wince that Loki made in response to that. "I'm not trying to rush you, believe me. But we're reorganizing and restructuring everything, so I'd rather know as soon as possible."</p><p>"I think it's safe to say that we're both unavailable on Mondays and Tuesdays," Dr. Tran said, hands folded firmly in her lap. "We obviously can't ask global disasters to stick to a schedule, but that should help with planning. Two days in New York, three in California."</p><p>Hill nodded and jotted a note down on her planner. She didn't miss Loki's surprised eyebrow at Dr. Tran, but kept silent. She'd skimmed the available transcripts. Dr. Tran had his wellbeing in mind, and was able to draw out his true thoughts regarding his actions. If she ever chose to retire from SHIELD, Loki would have a fit.</p><p>"What other considerations will you need?"</p><p>"Other than it actually being a SHIELD agent?" Dr. Tran asked sharply, a strained edge to her voice. Hill remembered how shattered she had appeared in the bunker, and didn't comment on the question. She only nodded and met Dr. Tran's gaze. The therapist looked away and heaved a sigh before turning back to Hill. "I'm a forensic psychologist. I don't have any role in selecting agents or being in the field. I'm not sure what I can contribute for your search."</p><p>"I meant for <i>you."</i></p><p>She blinked owlishly at Hill, surprised again. "I have someone to talk to, thanks."</p><p>"Within SHIELD?" Hill asked, eyebrow raised.</p><p>"No offense, I don't want a SHIELD therapist."</p><p>Loki looked as surprised as Hill did. "Shannon—"</p><p>"I have one of my own, and I don't discuss active cases. I discuss my own problems, which are not SHIELD's business."</p><p>There wasn't much else to discuss afterward, and Hill watched them go. She wanted to frown at the closed door, or insist that they come back. In her role as Director, there was little she could do directly. Loki was under her purview based on the clearance level, but Shannon was far afield enough that Hill wouldn't have interacted with her otherwise.</p><p>But she knew other people that would work with her directly, so Maria sent Natasha Romanoff a message. She would have to protect the SHIELD agents still willing to work with the agency, and make sure that the rebuilding didn't break them.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Loki was quiet until they left the building, which was longer than Shannon thought he would last. "You have a therapist of your own," he said finally.<p>"Anyone doing psychoanalysis should have an analyst of their own," she deflected, not meeting his eyes. She looked both ways as they reached the corner, getting ready to cross and head to the parking garage.</p><p>"But you have someone to speak with as I have you, do you not?" Loki pressed.</p><p>Shannon sighed and stopped walking, shutting her eyes for a moment. "Not for a while. Not since moving to California. I didn't have time to find someone there, and I didn't want to take time away from the Avengers."</p><p>"They wouldn’t begrudge you the time. I know this much about them."</p><p>"I know." Shannon opened her eyes to look at him. "This normally isn't something that you would know as my patient."</p><p>"Perhaps we have moved beyond that?"</p><p>"But we shouldn't, Loki." Shannon knew that he wouldn't care about propriety in this case, that the separation between therapist and patient wouldn't matter to him as much. It still mattered to her, but it was getting harder and harder to maintain those boundaries.</p><p>"Your rules," he scoffed, rolling his eyes.</p><p>She suppressed a smile as she nodded. "I want to do it the right way."</p><p>"Bah. We've seen how far that goes."</p><p>Shannon frowned and couldn't meet his eyes. "Sometimes, as hard as it is to do the right thing, we need to still try."</p><p>"You and Captain America," Loki groused, startling her. But she supposed he would see it that way, because Steve Rogers was well known for doing the right thing, damn the consequences. She wasn't that kind, not when she feared consequences, but in this she supposed Loki was right about her.</p><p>"This is the thing I do well," Shannon murmured. "So I'd want to do it the right way for you. And whoever else I help. I'd be no good to you if you worried about me."</p><p>"I do anyway."</p><p>She grasped his hand and gave it a squeeze as she forced a smile to her face. "Thank you. But I've got it, I promise. I'm taking care of myself."</p><p><span><i>Người nói dối,</i></span> she wanted to say to herself, but couldn't say it aloud. He already had a sneaking suspicion about her lying anyway.</p><p>"You work too hard," he sighed, squeezing her hand again. "I should tell the others on you."</p><p>That made her laugh in spite of herself. He really was a petulant teenager sometimes, wasn't he?</p><p>"Come on. This'll break protocol, but we're getting something to eat. How about some In n' Out?" she asked, giving him a wheedling smile.</p><p>Though he gave her a suspicious glance, he finally smiled. "Strawberry milkshake?"</p><p>She nodded. "I'll spring for a milkshake," she agreed with a smile.</p><p>Though he headed to the parking garage then, Shannon knew he couldn't be bought off so easily. She also truly needed a therapist of her own. The bags under her eyes were growing deeper, and harder to hide with concealer. In her nightmares, Gina was reaching for Wanda's necklace, ready to kill her for it, shoving Shannon aside without concern if she was injured. The worst of the nightmares had Shannon falling over the banister, getting impaled on broken debris on the floor, Gina standing on the landing above and looking down with a triumphant smile as she held Wanda's gem aloft in her hand.</p><p><i>Don't you see?</i> Gina asked, not sounding like herself at all. Her smile was preternaturally wide as Shannon bled to death, teeth sharp and monstrous as her hair wafted around her head like a dark cloud.  <i>Nothing you could've done would've helped you. I'm with the winners. You always would've lost.</i></p><p>Shannon shivered a bit as she got into the driver's seat. "Extra bacon," she told Loki when he looked at her strangely. "I'm thinking we could use extra bacon on our burgers."</p><p>He didn't believe her, but didn't say anything to contradict her, either. As she drove off, she was ridiculously grateful for that. She wasn't ready for a battle of wits.</p><p>At the moment, she didn't feel armed at all.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Space to Grieve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Natasha was surprised enough by Loki's presence in the common area that she froze. "You wanted to talk to me."</p><p>"About Shannon," Loki agreed, nodding. He was dressed casually for him, but still rather formal for mortal standards. He didn't like denim, and preferred slacks, buckled boots and button down shirts without a tie. Since the revelation of Hydra, he had been in all black from head to toe, making him appear as pale as paper.</p><p>Shoving her thumbs into her jeans pockets, Natasha tilted her head to look at him. "What's happened?" she asked. "I haven't spoken to her in a while."</p><p>"That's just it. She hasn't spoken with anyone." Loki let his frustration and concern show, making Natasha wonder just how worried he really was. "I recently discovered that some therapists have therapists of their own, but she hasn't been in discussion with one for the past year."</p><p>"And you're worried about her ability to be your therapist?"</p><p>"No. I'm worried about <i>her."</i></p><p>At Natasha's start of surprise, he gave her a rueful smile. "I'm capable of caring for others."</p><p>"You sound rather resigned to that."</p><p>"Sometimes." His expression grew plaintive. "I don't have others. You're aware of this."</p><p>"Then maybe you'd allow Thor to care for you, and see that we're all allies." Natasha looked at him, and he seemed rather wan and pale, almost sickly looking as he nodded at her.</p><p>"I'm aware that Shannon says I did it to myself." He flushed at Natasha's arch expression. "Yes, well, it's not that simple." He waved a hand dismissively. "But this isn't about <i>me.</i> It's about <i>her,</i> because from what I do know of her, whether she wishes it or not, I know she won't go to <i>her</i> siblings or parents. Her affianced wouldn't be one she confides in about these issues, either. I am <i>definitely</i> not one to confide in."</p><p>"She's not handling this well?"</p><p>"I don't think she sleeps," Loki admitted. At Natasha's questioning expression, he sighed. "She has deep circles under her eyes, much as when her father had the stroke. She tries to hide it, but her makeup skills aren't good enough."</p><p>"Yeah, she's not the type to do a full contour, so it'll still be visible," Natasha agreed. She withdrew her hands from her pockets and gestured to the main couch in the common area. "I'm guessing you want me to help in some way."</p><p>"She would not accept a therapist from Director Hill. This doesn't surprise me, given the shocks we've had related to SHIELD." Loki folded his hands primly in his lap. "I haven't any idea how to procure a therapist. She was assigned to me after her predecessor had such a disastrous interaction with me." He raised an eyebrow when he saw Natasha's smirk. "What?"</p><p>"That takedown of Bellington was a thing of beauty, by the way. Very inspiring."</p><p>He smiled faintly at her sardonic praise. "You don't approve of him either."</p><p>"Very much no," Natasha said with a nod. She was seated next to him, arm curled up over the back of the couch, fingers at her temple. It was such a relaxed posture, not one that she would've thought she could take with Loki a few years ago.</p><p>"I understand your concerns, Loki. I do," she continued when he opened his mouth to speak. "She isn't the only one, and there's so much going on. It's a mess right now. The stress is incredible, and there probably aren't enough quality resources to go around." She was aware of how tired and stressed she felt herself, and let out a long breath. "I'll do what I can."</p><p>Loki nodded slowly, that look of concern still on his face. "My thanks." He paused. "Is it the soldier?" he asked quietly.</p><p>Natasha flicked her eyes at his face, not sure what he knew. "Why do you say that?"</p><p>"Steve didn't enjoy the thought of striking his former ally. And with how beaten he was..."</p><p>All she could do was sigh. "It's complicated."</p><p>"None of you know how to do things easily."</p><p>She couldn't help but laugh. "Definitely the case."</p><p>"From what he said before, " Loki ventured, expression hesitant, "it was a form of mind magic, was it not?"</p><p>"Not magic. Drugs, electric shocks, reconditioning and psychological triggers."</p><p><i>You are our brightest pupil,</i> Natasha had been told once upon a time. <i>It's time to further your training. We will get you ready for graduation.</i></p><p>"But perhaps that is Earth's answer to <i>seiðr."</i></p><p>Natasha looked at him in consideration. "Is it?"</p><p>"I can ponder what tomes I have access to, if that's acceptable."</p><p>Her eyes lit up and a conspiratorial smile graced her lips. "Asgard owes Wanda a weregild, doesn't it? I think access to the royal library would pay that off nicely, don't you?"</p><p>Loki looked at her, lips curling in the corner as he nodded. "You were always formidable. I was very wrong to underestimate you years ago."</p><p>"Yes, you were," Natasha agreed. "Good for you that we're on the same side now."</p><p>She left him to ponder that. There were missives to compose.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Loki stilled in the office he regularly used in Avengers Tower. The fine hairs on the back of his neck raised. He could feel the crackle of energy and magic, and he knew it wasn't Wanda. She and Pietro were in other areas of Avengers Tower working on physical training techniques with Steve. He had retreated to the office, not that he would have admitted it, so that he could go through whatever he had in the building regarding magic. Mind magic, the <i>galdr,</i> and the rune work that he knew as well as whatever SHIELD staff had found within their records. Some older files had mentioned magic, though not all of it actually had been.<p>As he feared, Thor appeared. To his surprise, Thor had a satchel and large ornate chest that had come from Asgard. Loki recognized the runes on the chest as protection wards for the contents inside of it. Thor smiled at him warmly, and his expression froze slightly when Loki simply stared at him without saying a word.</p><p>"Lady Natasha mentioned that you needed study materials. I'm aware that our parents are not welcome, so I may have taken things that looked useful."</p><p>"Without asking?" Loki said, still staring at him.</p><p>Thor only grinned at him, and Loki remembered that rakish grin from when they were children playing in the castle. Usually it had been sneaking sweets out of the kitchens, or running through the stables to escape tutors.</p><p>To see it again made his heart constrict painfully.</p><p>Loki stood and cleared off his desk. "Well, then. Midgard has poor excuse for magic. Let's see what you've brought me to work with."</p><p>Thor beamed at him, and something inside of Loki's chest crumbled. He'd <i>missed</i> this, though he'd never admit it, and missed the thread of camaraderie they used to have.</p><p>Tapping the correct runes on the chest opened it, and Loki gasped at the contents. "You went into her <i>personal</i> library?" he choked.</p><p>"Isn't that where are the good books are, you said?" Thor asked innocently.</p><p>Giving him a sidelong glance, Loki's lips quirked up. "Either she let you take them, or she didn't notice your actions at all."</p><p>"I may have gone through her library while she was visiting another area of Asgard. If they were already gone by the time she returned, there couldn't be punishment."</p><p>Loki snorted, then smothered his laughter. It was the same reasoning Thor had as a child, and for it to <i>still</i> work was ridiculous.</p><p>Thor grinned. "Well? Did I guess correctly? Natasha said you would work on mind magic. I believe to help the Winter Soldier recover from mental bondage." He shrugged at Loki's sharp look. "I needed to know what area of her library to choose from."</p><p>Going through the scrolls and tomes, Loki mentally catalogued everything in the chest. "You took the entire section, didn't you?"</p><p>Taking off the satchel, Thor nodded. "And artifacts."</p><p>He goggled at the contents of the satchel. "How in the Nine Realms did she not realize you were taking all of this with you?"</p><p>"I may have asked a few jarls to create a rather large problem on the outer disc that would need her personal attention."</p><p>Loki grasped Thor's arm and squeezed. "You're going to be in <i>so much trouble</i> when you get back."</p><p>"It's a good thing that I didn't plan to return right away, then," Thor told him brightly. He thumped Loki on the back, smile on his face. "She'll likely have forgotten all about it by then."</p><p>"You took the <i>entire</i> section of mental magics and the <i>spá<i> as well as tools to help enact the spells in these books."</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Thor scrunched his face and attempted to look innocent. "Oh, did I?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Giving him a suspicious look, Loki blew out a breath and shook his head. "You're not <i>that</i> big an idiot, Thor."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"But if everyone believes I am," he said brightly, "then no one expects me to discuss any of this."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"As long as no one thinks that I'm the thief."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Oh, Heimdall knows very well that you've been here on Midgard and assisting the Avengers," Thor said earnestly. "I was on Vanaheim, or I would've tried to assist as well."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Vanaheim," Loki said, not sure how he felt about it.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Trouble with Hogun's people. It's fixed now, so I can assist you if I can."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"You can't help with magic."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"No, but if you have need of another strong set of arms to contain the Soldier." He shot Loki an earnest look. "Mind magic is difficult and delicately wrought. If the magic of this world is that inadequate, then you may have a lot of effort before you to correct it. I wouldn't want him to attack you thinking you an enemy."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"You'd rather him attack you," Loki said, tone flat.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Natasha discussed how badly Steve was injured. Other mortals here wouldn't fare as well."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Loki thought of Wanda or Pietro and nodded. "That is true enough. You could also aid in training the twins. Steve is with them. Pietro especially would need discipline."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Thor looked at him suspiciously. "You often said I lacked discipline."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Unless it was weapons training. He would do well to have the comradeship of other warriors."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Ah. The others here still see him as a child."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Yes. He is an adult by their legal standards, but they don't engage his help often."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And you enjoy the company of the children," Thor said, sounding satisfied. At Loki's glance, he grinned. "It is as you said. You were in my shadow. You needed time to come into your own power and find your own companions. I am glad of it."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"With <i>children,"</i> Loki said, irritated.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"But they judge you less."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I suppose," Loki grumbled.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And I am glad that you seek to undo the vile curse laid on the mind." Thor gave Loki an earnest look. "I did not understand it before, but the grave battles within the mind are just as dangerous as those of the body. Worse, possibly, because none other could see it and assist." He clasped Loki on the shoulder, that earnest look almost painful to see. "If ever I may assist you with your battles, please allow me to do so."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Loki only sighed. "I'll keep it in mind. But I fear more for my therapist's mind than my own."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Is she a stranger to personal matters of this nature?" Thor asked in concern.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Her father was ill before. But she was betrayed by a friend." Loki's throat tightened as he thought of the struggle in the duplex, Gina stealing Miguel's gun to threaten them as she attempted yet again to steal Wanda's necklace.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"She was betrayed," Thor echoed, rocking back on his heels in dismay.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"We all were."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Treachery most foul is a difficult thing to face," Thor agreed, nodding. "It's not a spell, but reminders of her current comrades may help."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"They have therapists here. She used to have one herself."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And you worry for her as well." Thor pondered that, then nodded. "Perhaps having one of our healers from Asgard arrive?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Thor..."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I was thinking Eir." He raised a hand at Loki's protest. "I know everyone said it was fated for her to rise to the head of the Healer's guild with a name like that, but she's set every broken bone I've ever had, and never once spoke ill of it."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Perhaps if she had, you'd have broken fewer of them."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Thor only laughed, irritating Loki. How did he manage to inspire love and irritation at once? It was definitely a special kind of magic, and certainly sounded like every other sibling relationship that he head read about on this realm.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I think I would've ignored her words and went about my own way. I thought myself too important for warnings then."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And now?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I listen. Whether I heed them or not..." He grinned, but it faltered a bit at Loki's glare. "I just want to see you settled and happy, Loki."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>This brother business was exhausting and annoying. Loki didn't feel quite as edgy around Thor, but didn't want to feel overly comfortable. They talked about Frigga obliquely, but Loki couldn't help but fear he would have to face her again. He didn't think he would ever be ready for that.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Shoulders bowed, Loki sat down at the desk again. Thor looked at him in concern, but waited patiently for Loki to speak. That was new, too.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I don't know how else to help you. But if you need more from the libraries, I can get those. If you need weapons out of the armory, I'll bring you mine."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Loki manifested a knife out of thin air and gestured idly at Thor with its green blade. "I have weaponry covered. But I appreciate the thought."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Thor looked appreciatively at the blade, but seemed almost sad that there was nothing he could do to help Loki. He was sure to regret it, but Loki heaved a sigh as the knife disappeared. "You can sit here if you like and help me research. You at least can read Allspeak and see if there is something related to mind maladies."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The beatific look on his face made Loki feel a bit better about the offer, and Thor didn't even take up much space in his office.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Natasha found Shannon sitting in her office on the medical floor of the tower staring at the wall. The laptop she used for notes was shut beside her, and the legal pads on her desk were blank, pens capped and placed neatly beside it. She had a plain maroon blouse on and her hair was pulled back into a neat braid. Her jewelry and makeup was understated as usual, but didn't seem to convey that her heart was in it.<p>Shannon didn't turn to look at her until Natasha sat down in the seat across from her desk. She straightened her shoulders and put a smile on her face that didn't sit quite right. Someone that didn't know her well would be fooled by it. "How can I help you today?"</p><p>"Actually, I came here to help <i>you,"</i> Natasha said, leaning forward and folding her hands to rest on the desk.</p><p>"I'm fine," Shannon said. It sounded like an automatic statement.</p><p>Raising her eyebrow, Natasha leaned back a bit, hands still on the desk. "Are you?"</p><p>"I can still help the others if they need it." She sounded almost defensive.</p><p>"Who helps <i>you?"</i> Natasha asked gently. "Because we're a lot to handle, especially now, and I don't want to overburden you."</p><p>Something crumpled in Shannon's expression, though it wasn't a significant change in her facial features. Her eyes glimmered with unshed tears.</p><p>"Shannon?"</p><p>"It doesn't take much to overburden me right now, I think," Shannon said, eyes skipping past Natasha's concerned expression.</p><p>"You probably need a therapist," Natasha said, making sure she kept her voice neutral.</p><p>"Ha," she replied bitterly, still not meeting her eyes. "Yeah, well, tried to go that route."</p><p>"And?" Natasha asked when she fell silent.</p><p>"She's dead."</p><p>Natasha let the concern on her face show at that point. "Was it...?"</p><p>"Collateral damage," Shannon choked out, finally meeting her eyes. "The lasers were after her patient, and the structural damage in the building made it collapse on top of her."</p><p>Blowing out a slow breath, Natasha watched Shannon carefully. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine the losses that you've had."</p><p>"No, you probably can," Shannon said, her voice breaking. "I've had shit thing after shit thing after shit thing..."</p><p>"Shall I help you find someone to work with?"</p><p>"I hate to say it, but I don't trust any of my coworkers in California with my problems, so no."</p><p>Natasha nodded slowly. "Do you have any connections outside of SHIELD? Anyone we knew in the Putnam facility last year would be useless."</p><p>Her gaze shifted slightly. "It's been a while since I was a student at the Institute, and I don't know any of the psychoanalysts there anymore. I fell out of contact when I started with SHIELD, so I couldn't say who would be good for this."</p><p>"You're not going to be talking about classified material," Natasha reminded her gently. "It's the betrayal and grief and stress."</p><p>Shannon broke down in tears and looked away. "I can't handle this right now. I can't..."</p><p>"Can't handle what?" Natasha asked, voice gentle. Loki hadn't been too far off with his concern after all, and she just had been busy with Bucky to see it.</p><p>"There's too much. Too much to do, too much to think about, the nightmares—"</p><p>Of course the entire situation with Gina hadn't been her fault, and saying so would be irritating more than anything else. Natasha wordlessly got up and pulled Shannon to her feet to give her a tight hug. "I'm here, you know. Not just for coordinating things Loki says. I'd like to think that we're friends, too. And I'm here for my friends."</p><p>She held Natasha tightly as she ugly cried. "I don't know what to do."</p><p>"Yes, you do," Natasha said gently. "I've heard you tell people all the time, but it's hard to think when you're the one needing the advice."</p><p>Shannon shook her head wordlessly as Natasha held onto her. She kept sobbing, and this was probably the first time she'd been able to really cry and let out her grief. Natasha held her, and didn't say anything else for a long time. Shannon didn't need words, she needed to be held and given the space to mourn. That was something Natasha knew how to do, and there was time enough to find Shannon a therapist of her own. Even if it was outside of SHIELD jurisdiction, and that was probably better for Shannon, she'd find a way to clear them for the task.</p><p>Loki likely wouldn't mind if she invoked his name to do it, either.</p><p>Natasha closed her eyes and held on tightly. She could fix this. There was so much that she wouldn't be able to, but <i>this</i> she could do.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Orphans of the American Dream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter title is from the song "Satellite" by Rage Against.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Asset was surprised when he was shunted into a new kind of holding cell. The walls were material he couldn't recognize, smoothed and impossible to dig his fingers into. He couldn't hear any electronics or pipes, but he still had a bathroom area and the slot for meals or other materials to be passed to him. Agent Romanoff came to visit, as did Captain America and Falcon. Others he didn't recognize did as well, but never introduced themselves.</p><p><i>I'm with you 'till the end of the line, pal,</i> he remembered saying to a younger and skinnier version of Captain America. Memories slid back and forth unchecked in his mind, colliding and fragmenting; he didn't know if this was kindness or torture to let it all happen naturally. These people weren't interested in erasing his memory and wiping him clean. Should he feel disappointed about that? He didn't even know anymore.</p><p>His old cell was changed when he was brought back to it. Now there was that same odd material from his new cell in the middle, and there was another door in there. On the other side was a simple desk, notepads and pens, and a tired Asian woman dressed in black and white.</p><p>"Is this some kind of new torture system?" he asked. His voice was raw and scratchy from disuse, and he felt bad for making the woman pale in distress.</p><p>"No, no," she said, shaking her head. Her long black hair was braided, and he could see the dark smudges under her eyes. She was tired because she wasn't sleeping well. Physically she didn't seem like much. He could probably break her in half easily.</p><p>"I'm Dr. Tran," she introduced herself, not standing. The pleasant expression on her face seemed forced. "I'm a psychologist. We're all hoping that I'll be able to help you process all the changes that have been going on."</p><p>"Like why they look familiar, some of them? Or the memories in my head that don't always make any kind of sense?"</p><p>"Exactly. It would be confusing for anyone, and you've been in very stressful environments."</p><p>The Asset couldn't help but laugh. It was a grating, harsh sound, which hurt his own ears to hear, but he couldn't help it. She didn't react, which he mentally gave her points for.</p><p>"In your original life," she continued as if he didn't laugh, "they called this the talking cure. Not that we're <i>curing</i> anything per se, but it's a question of going through the trauma and violence that you've lived through." She paused, meeting his eyes with a calm expression. "It's been several lifetimes' worth."</p><p>"Surprised you're not scared of it."</p><p>"We all have our nightmares, don't we?" she asked, chin lifting a notch.</p><p>Not touching that statement, he eyed her. "You call it my original life."</p><p>"I don't know how much you remember of it, or if you consider that your real life or this one."</p><p>"Steve wants that version of me back."</p><p>"That version is gone. He's been changed into many other selves." Her voice was soft and lulling, but he wasn't fooled by it. Even soft voices could be dangerous.</p><p>"So what do <i>you</i> want?" the Asset asked, voice harsh.</p><p>"To make a timeline." She patted the notepads in front of her. "I'm a big fan of that approach. I don't know a lot about what you've been through, and there's bound to be a lot of gaps. But we can fill them in as we go along."</p><p>The Asset frowned at her. "Timeline." His lips thinned. "So you're the only one keeping score?"</p><p>"I have two notepads here, and pens."</p><p>He wiggled his left hand, metal fingers glinting. "Kinda fragile for this here."</p><p>She blinked in surprise, then jumped up to go to the intercom he hadn't noticed on the back wall. "Hey, any reinforced notebooks and pens in inventory somewhere? Maybe see about raiding Tony's lab or something."</p><p>"Will do," a familiar voice said, but the Asset couldn't place it. Not Steve, not Natasha.</p><p>"A lab," he said, voice flat as Dr. Tran returned to the desk.</p><p>Looking up at him after tucking herself in, her face was frighteningly open. "That's a good enough name for where he tinkers with things. I know they were trying to figure out a way to scan you without doing harm. Light imaging doesn't go far enough, and they don't feel safe with a CT or MRI."</p><p>The words shouldn't have made sense, but they did. The Asset nodded, some information remaining in his mind from various missions. "That folder you have," he began.</p><p>She opened it, showing him it was empty. "This is where I'll put my notes."</p><p>"What name are you putting on there?" he asked, seeing that the tab was blank.</p><p>"What name should I put there?"</p><p>He frowned at her. "What?"</p><p>"What name?" she repeated, no air of frustration about her. "There are many names you've had over the years. Which one feels like yours?"</p><p>He stared at her, jaw slack. "No one asked me that before."</p><p>"No one treated you like a man before."</p><p>Glowering, he heaved a breath. "No, they didn't. I was the Asset. I think of myself that way."</p><p>"But it's not a name," she said gently. Her expression was concerned, but it didn't seem like she had condescending pity there. She seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say.</p><p>"I... I know what name I was born with. What they gave me. But I don't know what fits."</p><p>"And you've probably never thought about it before," Dr. Tran mused. "Are you comfortable with that as a name? Or is that a title?"</p><p>"A title, I suppose?"</p><p>"Apparently, the spy community calls you the Winter Soldier."</p><p>He laughed again, not as harsh. This time, he sounded amused, and paced a little in his half of the room. "I suppose it fits."</p><p>"Do you want me to call you Winter?" Dr. Tran asked, head tilted slightly.</p><p>Mouthing "winter" for a moment, he finally shook his head. He tried other names he was called, "thing," "it," "Asset," "Soldier," "Bucky" and "James," and stared at her unhappily. "I don't like this," he said finally.</p><p>She gave him a sad smile. "At least you know what you don't like."</p><p>His laughter was bitter. "So easy to please, are you?"</p><p>Something shadowed her eyes at the words, and he almost felt bad for her. She was obviously out of her depth, but he had the feeling that she genuinely wanted to help him. There was a kindness in her, which had recently been beaten down. He hadn't done it, he knew that much, but suspected that whatever had happened around him had.</p><p>"History says I'm James."</p><p>"Do you like that name?"</p><p>He opened and closed his mouth, then pulled his lips together unhappily. "It's a name. It doesn't feel like <i>my</i> name."</p><p>"And nothing really does, because they never called you by a name," Dr. Tran guessed. She crossed her arms on the table as she leaned forward a bit. "I like setting goals in the beginning, so we know what we're trying to achieve. But it seems like we have to figure out a name for you, first and foremost."</p><p>"I'm supposed to be James Buchanan Barnes," he said, voice unwavering as he looked at her. "I know that. They told me. The others here," he said, gesturing around him with a vague expression. "They showed me history books. It doesn't feel real."</p><p>"What does?"</p><p>"This. Now. I don't..." He heaved a sigh. "I get flashes sometimes. It doesn't make sense. And I think that hurts the people that remember me."</p><p>"Yeah, probably," she acknowledged with a nod. "A lot of people have been hurt recently."</p><p>"Including you."</p><p>She gave him a wry smile. "That obvious?"</p><p>"You haven't slept. You're stiff in the shoulders and spine. It's a watcher's fatigue."</p><p>"Military tactics?" she guessed.</p><p>He seemed caught off guard for a moment, as though he hadn't realized what he said. "I think."</p><p>"How about Sergeant for now?" Dr. Tran suggested. "Does that feel okay? We can change the label on my folder later."</p><p>Rolling the word around in his mind, it didn't catch on sticky edges of painful memories. "I guess," he said finally. "Maybe better than Asset."</p><p>Her smile was sad. "Because only people can be Sergeants, and Assets can things as well as people," she said quietly. "HYDRA never treated you like a real person."</p><p>"I'm still figuring out what that is."</p><p>"When we get the notebooks, we can try to figure out what that is together."</p><p>She was gentle. A civilian. Injured mentally herself, but still trying to draw the human out of the weapon. He could go at his own pace, most likely, and she wasn't going to try to hurt him with his own mind.</p><p>"Why are you doing this?" he asked, eyes narrowing.</p><p>That sad smile was back. "Because too many people were hurt, and there has to be healing now."</p><p>Healing. That was very different from resetting, and he stopped pacing his half of the room. It was a concept he had to mull over for a moment.</p><p>Yes, healing had to be done, and he was afraid to hope he would get it.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Maria Hill was exhausted after all the testimony she had to give in Congress; they had gone for the obvious, flashy members of the team taking down Hydra, and now it was her turn. It wasn't a complete surprise that Natasha would want to speak to her. it was more a surprise that she was there with a six pack of lager in her kitchen, reading a book.<p>"I like this condo better," Natasha commented, putting a bookmark into place. The condo was a two bedroom, two bath open concept layout with lots of white and chrome. It was elegantly modern, though there were few personal touches added as decoration.</p><p>"You hated my wife," Marian sighed, shrugging out of her suit jacket.</p><p>"She wasn't right for you," Natasha shrugged, unapologetic. "Think about Veronica?"</p><p>Sighing, Maria shook her head. "No time."</p><p>Natasha conceded the point. "Thanks for fast tracking the therapist from the Psychoanalytic Institute," she added, gesturing to the beer.</p><p>"We do need Shannon in good enough shape to work with our more troublesome cases," Maria said, coming to the kitchen counter and grabbing a bottle out of the box. "And I also fast tracked the approval for your backup choice from the Institute so <i>you</i> have someone to talk to," she said as she took the bottle opener from Natasha.</p><p>The freeze was momentary, but Maria had been looking for it. "I see."</p><p>"I don't have the training, only the clearance," Maria told her gently. "I don't want to do more harm than good, especially if I have to cancel because of bureaucratic bullshit."</p><p>Nodding, Natasha took back the bottle opener and then opened one for herself. "I'm not surprised that Bellington and Vallejo are loyal SHIELD agents, but they're still assholes."</p><p>Maria smiled and took a healthy swig from her beer. "Knowledgeable assholes. Published assholes. But yes, still assholes." She heaved a sigh. "I definitely could use the beer."</p><p>"Well, you always said the political arena would require a lobotomy or lots of alcohol." She tapped the tops of the remaining four bottles. "This was easier for me to arrange."</p><p>Laughing in spite of herself, Maria nodded. "I have a lot of damage control in my future. Too bad Fury's a dead man. That was his area of expertise."</p><p>Natasha's features stilled slightly, and Maria didn't miss that, either. "Dead men can't testify."</p><p>"I found all sorts of interesting notes in his old desk, though," Maria said brightly, wagging the beer bottle. "So I get to talk about those and read them."</p><p>"Notoriously short on motherfuckers, though," Natasha said, a wry twist to her lips.</p><p>"Definitely," Maria agreed, "so I add them in my head. Those meaningful pauses, you know."</p><p>Now Natasha laughed, which made Maria feel better. The spy was stretched too thin, they all were, and rebuilding connections while hunting down Hydra strays would take a further toll on her that she would never acknowledge.</p><p>"I don't <i>officially</i> know he's alive, just like I <i>officially</i> don't know that a certain sniper has been in holding. Technically, it's in violation of his rights. I'm pretty sure there are international statutes you guys are breaking," Maria said, taking another healthy swig. She could feel the alcohol in her stomach, and knew she should eat something to take the edge off. She hadn't eaten since eleven, and it was already past seven pm.</p><p>"I could reply that international statues only apply to the living and not to ghosts, but that's part of the point. We want him living. We want him to be a person again."</p><p>"A person that might eventually get prosecuted for war crimes."</p><p>Natasha winced. "Brainwashing and a longstanding POW doesn't mitigate circumstances?"</p><p>"That's the better tack to take, yes. But you know the blowhards in Washington are going to make all our lives miserable before we can get back to operating the way we need to."</p><p>"Because this happened without oversight," Natasha said softly.</p><p>"It happened because of the <i>wrong</i> oversight," Maria corrected, pointing at her with the bottle. "We all trusted in Pierce, and he fucked us."</p><p>Drinking in silence for a moment, Natasha finally put the bottle down on the counter and leaned on it. "I don't know if I can keep going with SHIELD."</p><p>"Not the way you have been, no," Maria agreed easily enough. This discussion was probably inevitable, and she had prepared something like a dozen variants in her head for weeks. It wasn't starting the way she imagined it, but what the hell. She could blame the beer if she had to, but Natasha needed the truth. "I would much rather have you and Clint as liaisons to the Avengers than out in the field as SHIELD agents. Your faces are too well known for undercover work now, and I think you'll do more good as a superhero."</p><p>Natasha winced. "Superhero."</p><p>"Yeah." Maria shot her a grin. "Crazy, huh?"</p><p>"I don't feel like a superhero," Natasha murmured. "It's doing what has to be done. It's balancing my ledger. It's atonement."</p><p>"When are you doing atoning?" Maria asked gently, putting the bottle down. "When do you say it's balanced? Or in the black?"</p><p>Blowing out a slow breath, Natasha shook her head. "I don't know."</p><p>"I don't think it should be a strict accounting. Innocents can get harmed in our pursuit of justice. Life isn't fair. Sometimes the bad guys win one. But none of that is your fault and shouldn't go on your ledger, and I think it does." She reached out across the counter but didn't actually touch Natasha's hand. There was a gap, just in case she couldn't tolerate actual touch. "I think the world is a more frightening place without the accounting. Because then it really is a choice you have to make. Not an accounting decision, but a choice a living person makes."</p><p>She watched Natasha swallow and withdrew her hand slowly to take another swig of beer. Maria knew that seeing this side of Natasha was a rare and precious opportunity, and she didn't take it for granted at all.</p><p>"Don't burn yourself out for no reason," Maria cautioned. "I care about you too much to let it happen, and I would rather cut you from SHIELD than make you feel beholden to us in that way." That got Natasha's undivided attention. "As far as I'm concerned, the accounting's been in the black long before Project Insight was discovered."</p><p>"There's a lot about me that you don't know."</p><p>Maria grinned despite Natasha's soft words. "I'm sure there is. You wouldn't be a master spy if I knew everything. The thing is, I don't care. I don't need all the ugly details. I know who you are now, and I know you would move heaven and earth to protect the innocents of the world and burn yourself up in the process if it had to be done. And I don't want it to have to be done. I want you around, Natasha." She lifted the bottle of beer in hand. "The world is a better place with you in it, looking out for those that can't look out for themselves. I just think you're in a better position to do it as an Avenger right now."</p><p>Taking all that in, Natasha nodded slowly, then drank her beer. "Liaison, huh?" she said finally, the corner of her mouth quirking up. "Does that come with a pay raise?"</p><p>Grinning wider, Maria shrugged. "I'll see what I can do. Gotta make sure you can afford the good microbrew stuff, right?"</p><p>Natasha laughed along with Maria, and some of her inside tensions eased. Congress was a pain, but Natasha would be okay in the long run.</p><p>Thank God SHIELD and Hydra hadn't destroyed her sense of justice, too.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Steve frowned at his sketchbook. He was drawing Bucky the way he remembered him before the war, during the war, the tortured and fearful expression on his face when he fell from the train into the Alps. Sam rubbed at his scalp with his fingertips gently, not saying anything right away as he sketched. When the pencils fell still, Sam sighed. "You're torturing yourself, you know."<p>"I feel like I could've done more, is all," Steve mumbled, staring down at the pad.</p><p>"Survivor's guilt," Sam nodded. "Such a bitch."</p><p>"I really don't want him to be this guy if he isn't, it's not that," Steve insisted, looking up at Sam with an open and pained expression on his face. "Would it be too painful to give him these? See if it sparks up some memory?"</p><p>"I think it's a question to ask his therapist, Steve," Sam said, taking the sketchbook away from him. Steve didn't protest, blue eyes forlorn. Sam pulled Steve into a tight hug, tucking his face against Steve's soft hair. "It's okay to mourn," Sam murmured. "It's okay to grieve."</p><p>"I feel like such a shit. Like I shoulda known he was still alive," Steve choked out, clutching at Sam desperately. "How could I not know my best friend was still alive?"</p><p>"Because a normal dude doesn't fall in the Alps and survive," Sam murmured. "Because anyone else would've died in that. You didn't get superpowers, Steve. Your serum got you healthy and strong, but it didn't make you psychic."</p><p>Steve chuckled, a sound that was pained and near tears as well. "Why do you make so much sense?" he asked, not letting go.</p><p>"'Cause my mama didn't raise that kind of fool. One gone on dumb white boys, but hey."</p><p>Now the chuckle was brighter, which made Sam's chest tighten. Among other things, but this wasn't the place for that. "I promise I'll try not to be so dumb," Steve said, pulling back long enough to look Sam in the eye.</p><p>"Don't make promises you can't keep," Sam warned with a wry smile. "Nat told me about that jumping out of a plane without a parachute thing." He shook his head fondly at Steve. "Such a dumbass move."</p><p>"Made it work, though. And I'm sure it looked really cool."</p><p>Sam laughed out loud and shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, you're a badass. You're Captain freaking America, of course you're a badass."</p><p>Nodding along with Sam for a moment, Steve paused, then licked his lip and shifted his gaze in a nervous manner that tripped Sam's senses. "What if I think I should share the mantle? If I'm not the only one worthy of being Captain America?"</p><p>"Come again?"</p><p>That wasn't exactly what Sam was expecting. Maybe he was hoping that Steve would think he was hot and want to kiss. Maybe he thought Steve would ask for advice on approaching Bucky in the various cells, since just talking about the past outright wasn't working.</p><p>Steve shot him that dopey hopeful smile that endeared him to generations of people. "I think with as much bullshit that exists in the world right now, it's too much for a single Captain America. I think sharing the name..."</p><p>"They're calling me Falcon in the news," Sam said, rubbing Steve's shoulder.</p><p>"And it's a good name," Steve said with his earnest nod. God, did he do anything without that same earnestness? It was going to pull him into this crazy endeavor just as it had in Washington, but Sam couldn't regret a thing.</p><p>"Is there a but coming here?"</p><p>"Nope. Falcon's a good name. I just think I shouldn't be the only Captain America."</p><p>"You're not talking about Bucky, are you?"</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Steve shook his head. "And people call <i>me</i> thick?"</p><p>"Just checking. 'Cause the falcon isn't the country's bird, you know?"</p><p>"You've got just as much heart as me," Steve told him, expression serious. "I think we should both be Captain America. You'll be the one with wings."</p><p>Sam leaned in and touched his forehead to Steve's. "You're such a well-meaning idiot."</p><p>"Is that a yes, then? I'm sure Tony's dying to redesign the wings and your suit to give you more protection against bullets and people with super strength."</p><p>"Should I be upset that you discussed this with Tony first?"</p><p>"I didn't!" Steve balked. "Promise. But he's been trying to armor up everyone in the Tower, even Natasha. Have you seen her Iron Widow suit?"</p><p>Sam snickered. "I'm in a house full of insane people."</p><p>"Is that a yes?" Steve asked, eyes alight with hope.</p><p>That was an expression that was hard to resist. "That's a yes," he found himself saying before leaning in and kissing Steve.</p><p>Steve didn't freeze, thank God. When his mind connected the dots and he realized what he was doing, Sam almost panicked and backed up. But no, Steve was deepening the kiss and winding his arms around Sam's shoulders like it was the most natural place in the world to be.</p><p>When the kiss broke, Steve gave him a goofy grin that he no doubt was mirroring back. "So. Yeah. That..."</p><p>"That was good." Sam couldn't help but grin at him. He kissed Captain America. Would it be wrong to do a fist pump?</p><p>Sam grinned wider as Steve rapidly nodded and seemed tongue tied. Wow. He struck Steve speechless with a kiss?</p><p>"Worth doing again?" Sam prompted.</p><p>"Hell yeah," Steve said, and leaned in to grasp Sam by the back of the neck to pull him in for another kiss.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Flight of Ideas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Real Life has been stressful and sucky lately. But hopefully everyone will be able to stay safe and get together, whether for American Thanksgiving or just together for a weekend. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The redhead was back. Natalia. She wasn't alone, but the Sergeant didn't recognize the man beside her. He was handsome and strong in a wiry kind of way, looking at the Sergeant with assessing eyes. Sniper, perhaps. He wasn't Steve, and the Sergeant didn't understand why he was there. Had he done something to him when he was the Asset?</p><p>"I understand you go by Sergeant now," Natalia began in a soft voice.</p><p>Holding the reinforced notebook in his left hand, the Sergeant nodded. It didn't buckle, even though he had to be holding it too tightly.</p><p>"In this country, this life, I use the name Natasha Romanoff."</p><p>Her words were very precise. She was the knife, he was the hammer. That was the way it had been in the past. The knowledge of that truth simply existed, present in his mind as if it had always been there. Dr. Tran would want him to write that down.</p><p>He looked to the man beside her. "And you are?"</p><p>"Clint Barton," the man said easily. His eyes remained trained on him, assessing. His guard wasn't really down, even if he seemed the easygoing type.</p><p>Ah. They were lovers, then. Comrades and lovers, much like he and she used to be in Russia when the Red Room was active.</p><p>The Sergeant swallowed and nodded sharply as that memory slotted into place. That didn't explain why he was there.</p><p>"You served as a sniper, and still do that job," Clint continued. "We were asked to go over case files attributed to you to see if you remember them. Or if it sparks a memory."</p><p>He remained seated in place, notebook clutched in his hand. "Who asked?"</p><p>"The Director of SHIELD." No artifice in Natasha's expression, though she was a gifted liar when she put her mind to it. "We have a few unsolved cases that we'd like to have some kind of closure with."</p><p>She wanted closure. Finality. Separation. Past life and current life.</p><p>Oh, he understood the message she was sending. He was the past and this man was her future.</p><p>Clint took out the handheld device and started scrolling through the lists of cases, consulting with Natasha for translation purposes. His Russian was as terrible as he claimed it was. Over the next few hours, it was exactly as Clint had claimed it was going to be. They went through file after file, mostly cold cases, and some of them triggered memories, some didn't. Natasha took notes or translated, but it was all very professional.</p><p>Perhaps there wasn't any message to send after all.</p><p>"I remember flashes," Sergeant said when she stood to leave. At Clint's interested expression, he switched to Russian. "I remember flashes of <i>us.</i> They're true, aren't they?"</p><p>Natasha blew out a slow breath. She'd prepared for that, and it didn't startle her as badly as it had before. "Yes," she replied in English. "A long time ago."</p><p>Though the Sergeant wasn't looking at Clint, he wasn't surprised. "And now what will we be?"</p><p>Her lips curled into an expression that wasn't quite a smile and seemed incredibly sad. "I suppose time will tell. We're different from who we used to be."</p><p>He nodded slowly at her. "That was the one good thing out of the past, wasn't it? It's not just a dream from being on ice for so long?"</p><p>That sad expression was still on her face, and he wanted to hold her. He could remember cradling her, rocking her gently, bloody hands folded up to her chest as she lay so very still in shock. If he could touch her hair, feel the weight of her in his arms, then he would know that the memory was real. What did he do with fragments that didn't fit anywhere?</p><p>"If it was a dream, it was a good one," she said, her voice raw. "And one we shared."</p><p>No point in asking about the present, not when she had something good going already. Not when she could do infinitely better than him. He'd shot her twice in recent memory, for God's sake, how could he ever expect her to overlook that?</p><p>"Does it help?" Clint asked, brows furrowed slightly in curiosity. "Knowing that it was real," he clarified when the Sergeant looked at him in confusion.</p><p>"I can't trust my own mind most of the time. I don't always know what's real." He let go of the reinforced notebook and carefully put it down. Stark's tech definitely held up under stress. "It's a mess in here," he said, tapping his temple.</p><p>Natasha smiled that sad smile with a nod. "It always is in the beginning."</p><p>"Does it get easier?"</p><p>"Not always," she murmured. She wasn't forthcoming, and he didn't ask for more. Looking at him must be painful. It was certainly hard for him to look at her like this, painful strangers, and he could remember her sneaking into his shower. He could remember stolen kisses in motel rooms, clothes strewn about recklessly. They didn't select names for each other, never declared love in words. Words were weapons. <i>They</i> were weapons. Tools didn't need names, didn't need identities or memories. </p><p>No, that part wouldn't get easier. The longing inside him would remain, a dull ache until it flared to life, and he would push it further down. She had a life now, and it was one that didn't need him in it. She was successful, and her sniper could protect her heart better than he could. His memory fragments might slice her to ribbons.</p><p>"You weren't he only one unmade," Clint said after Natasha left the room. His voice was low and he didn't quite make eye contact, though it was close. "Time helps. Grounding yourself in reality, knowing there's something to come back to..."</p><p>"Do you help me for her sake?"</p><p>"And for Steve's." He paused. "And I guess for you, too. Because what I got was only the smallest of tastes of what it's like to be unmade. And it sucked. I can't imagine what it was like to be shredded so often you don't know what's real anymore. And I don't want to. If Hydra wants you pulled apart, that's reason enough for me to want to help put you back together."</p><p>The Sergeant nodded slowly, pondering the words. "If I still love her? What then?"</p><p>Clint smiled softly at that, not perturbed in the slightest. The Sergeant liked that about him; he was honest and everything showed immediately. That made it easy to know what he was dealing with. "I'd understand it. We're all adults here, we can figure something out if we have to."</p><p>"You don't hate that we have history together?" the Sergeant asked, confused.</p><p>"Everyone here has a history of some kind. Let's just worry about reclaiming yours."</p><p>Mulling that over, the Sergeant nodded. "If I've ever harmed you, I'm sorry."</p><p>He was satisfied with that, and the Sergeant could imagine Clint saying <i>And that's why we're helping you. You're not a monster,</i> or some such verbiage.</p><p>Maybe he wasn't Hydra's monster, but he still felt cold and empty inside, not filling up fast enough. There was still too much of the Winter Soldier left, too much he had to dig himself out of. Even if they all forgave him for the past, maybe they shouldn't.</p><p>Keeping the thoughts to himself, the Sergeant stared at the next blank page of his book for a long time, not knowing what to write next.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Tony brought a screwdriver in his pocket to the next session with Shannon Tran, and fiddled with it periodically. "You know, I think I'm surprisingly okay," he mused, meeting her gaze. "I think I expected to be more of a mental wreck, you know?" he said, taking his right hand off the screwdriver to gesture vaguely at his temple. "But knowing that Hydra wanted to kill me? That wasn't a surprise. A lot of people have tried to kill me, sometimes just because I'm me, not because of Iron Man. Knowing that my old man's legacy was tainted was a surprise but not at the same time. He had a way of missing the forest for the trees. Or the trees for the forest. He was great at designs and the grand scheme of things, but had a tendency of missing the little guy along the way."<p>Pointing the screwdriver at Shannon, he shot her a pragmatic expression. "I'm sure I've done the same, but I'm trying not to. The R&amp;D department especially, but they're all sensitive geniuses that take everything personally, so it can be hard to come across as something other than abrasive when I get into a zone."</p><p>"But you've tried?" Shannon prompted, tilting her head slightly.</p><p>"I did, actually," Tony said, grinning. He was proud of himself, as well he should be. "The project I canned, with neural interfacing, is a great idea. But it's going to cost too much to implement wholesale right now. We talked it out over lunch, bounced some ideas back and forth, and he couldn't figure out a way to make it work this quarter. He agreed to shelve it for a while, and we'll revisit it."</p><p>"So that just happened?"</p><p>"Yesterday." Tony beamed as he spread his arms wide in a magnanimous kind of gesture. "I was polite and everything. I let him talk about why the project was meaningful for him, and how much he poured himself into it." He grinned at her. "I copied you, actually," he said, laughing a little as he pointed at her with the screwdriver. "I told him I appreciated all of his hard work on it, and that he had such passion for his project."</p><p>Shannon smiled faintly. "How did you actually break the news, then?"</p><p>"I said that the R&amp;D budget had been constrained, and everyone knows I'm not the CEO or CFO for all that the name is on the company. I asked him what was the lowest amount he could possibly budget to make the project work, and compared it to available funds."</p><p>"And they didn't match."</p><p>"They didn't match," Tony agreed. "I didn't say anything, I wasn't snarky, nothing like that. I sat there for a while, and he kinda gave up. That's when I told him if he could alter the project to make it come under budget, we can try to save it. So we talked it out, but cost cutting could potentially mess with the design and then limit the outcome. Not this quarter, then. I didn't know which, but I wouldn't mind seeing the project redesigned."</p><p>"Definitely a much better approach than just cancelling it," Shannon agreed with an appreciative nod. "You've grown quite a bit."</p><p>Tony laughed and fiddled with the screwdriver. "I even asked if he had a backup project he'd like to work on, something that could fit the budget and potentially drive sales."</p><p>"Anything?"</p><p>He shook his head. "No, but I showed I was willing to work with him. Important, right?"</p><p>"Much better than a few years ago."</p><p>Practically preening, Tony straightened up in the chair. "With everything going on lately, I was thinking. Maybe we could stretch out my appointments to once a month instead of every other week. I've been holding pretty steady, and there's a lot of building and reno for the Tower with our latest guest." He held up a hand when she opened her mouth. "Not fishing for info, promise, but between the tech we're using and updating the light scans and trying to find some way to get an internal imaging set up that doesn't use magnets..." He shrugged. "Not calling this a waste of time, but I think I'm in a good enough place to tackle all that without constantly leaning on you for some kind of approval."</p><p>Shannon smiled. "Not that I say much anymore." Her tone was light and teasing, making Tony laugh. "You're right. The nightmares have really receded, I think because you're busy. Because you can take such an active role in protecting others."</p><p>"So next month?"</p><p>She nodded, still smiling. "Next month."</p><p>Tony tossed the screwdriver into the air and caught it by the handle. "Okay. Perfect. I've been working on another room if you think the Manchurian Candidate needs something else."</p><p>"Oh, Tony," she sighed, shaking her head. "The names..."</p><p>"I know you think it shows disrespect. But it lightens the mood. Anyway, I'm getting another room ready if it'll be helpful. Then hopefully I can tackle the polymer combo that won't melt the second Pietro hits top speed."</p><p>Waving him off, Shannon shook her head fondly. "Clear the code names before you use them."</p><p>Tossing and catching the screwdriver one last time before catching it, Tony Stark grinned at her unrepentantly. "Really, I think we'll be fine. I was even getting input from the Candidate."</p><p>Shannon gaped at him. "You're what?"</p><p>"Through the Hulk-proof glass, of course. Bruce and I tested it, it held. We're good."</p><p>"That can still break!"</p><p>"We have contingency plans we haven't needed to use yet." He tapped his temple with the end of the screwdriver. "We're being careful, promise."</p><p>Shannon sighed. "I suppose it's your right to do what you want."</p><p>Getting to his feet, Tony nodded. "But I'm going to be careful about it." He tapped the arc reactor in his chest. "I swear it."</p><p>She sat for a while after she left, slouching down in her chair and staring blankly at her laptop. It wasn't even turned on, and for a moment she couldn't recall why.</p><p>Oh, yes. She planned to head out for a bit. She needed <i>out</i> for a moment, something to look at other than four walls and piles of journals and textbooks to reference. Her own ability to cope was stretched thin, and she simply did not want to do <i>anything</i> at the moment. A few months ago she would've called Gina or one of her friends from the Putnam facility to chat for a while, or met up with them after their shift. Right now, she had no one outside of the Avengers that she could possibly talk to about this, and they were patients or potential patients. Not exactly a proper or ethical means to decompress.</p><p>Notes were waiting. Notes were always waiting. Her schedule here wasn't as hectic as it was in California; so many people were processing the trauma of Hydra embedded in SHIELD, as well as discovering that colleagues and friends had been double agents.</p><p><i>I don't know what to do,</i> she thought miserably. Alongside her own grief and feelings of betrayal, she had to reexperience it by proxy hundreds of times over again during the week. Her session with Tony wasn't supposed to evoke the same feelings, but touching on the Sergeant's plight brought it all back for her.</p><p>"Dr. Tran," JARVIS' voice began, soft and relatively unobtrusive. "Your vital signs indicate distress. Perhaps I may be of assistance?"</p><p>Shannon blew out a breath. "I have an initial therapy session tomorrow morning."</p><p>"But in the meantime, it's warm and sunny outside. Perhaps a walk? Or if you would prefer privacy, you can go to the rooftop."</p><p>Rubbing her face, she blew out another breath. That obvious even an AI could see it. <span><i>Aiya,</i></span> she was a mess.</p><p>The rooftop probably was less effort than going down to the lobby, walking around the city and maybe going from midtown to Central Park or something like that. "Okay, fine, I can take a hint." She wasn't really irritated with JARVIS, considering he was looking out for her. It was more that there was a restlessness beneath her skin along with the emotional fatigue. She should be doing more. There was all this time that she should be using constructively. For all the times she complained that she needed more time to do things, now that she had it, she didn't want to do anything at all.</p><p>"It was not meant to be disparaging, Dr. Tran," JARVIS said. "This is an extension of wellness protocols already put into place by Ms. Potts to care for Sir. I have merely applied the same parameters to all other residents in the Tower."</p><p>Shoulders slumped, Shannon heaved a sigh. "I guess this is not a way I expected to be similar to Tony Stark."</p><p>"Most feel the same way," JARVIS replied dryly, making her laugh.</p><p>Stretching, Shannon headed up to the rooftop. She wasn't the only one that sought refuge there, as Sam was already sitting on a woven beach chair from the 70's, plasticky fibers bolted to the metal frame. "Now that's a throwback seat."</p><p>Sam looked up at her, breath heavy. "Found it in a storage closet." He pointed vaguely back toward the rest of the penthouse. "Thought it would be more comfortable than one of those super ultramodern creations Tony has."</p><p>"I'll stand if you don't feel weird about me hovering over you. I was sitting all morning."</p><p>He made a sweeping gesture with his hand. "I walked all over this space already. The open air and sun are good."</p><p>Shannon looked at Sam, head tilted to the side. They never really got a chance to talk before or after the Insight debacle. "How bad are your nightmares, then?" she asked quietly.</p><p>"What makes you say I got nightmares?" he asked cautiously.</p><p>She snorted. "You were in DC and had a big part in making the plan work. Who the hell <i>wouldn't</i> have nightmares after what went down?"</p><p>Leaning back in the chair, he folded his hands over his stomach. "Ah, well..." He shrugged. "I always had them. I was in combat," he clarified when she shot him a questioning look. "I'm up here 'cause Steve thinks I should be Captain America with him."</p><p>"You don't want to be?"</p><p>Letting out a slow breath, Sam looked over the New York City skyline instead of looking at her directly. "War is fucking hell. It's being out in the middle of nowhere. It's killing people that might not need killing. It's locking up every shred of empathy you might have, even if you're there as paramilitary rescue. You're not exempt from the killing just because you have medical training. If anything, you're expected to do even better than the average mofo because you'd know where the vital strikes are."</p><p>Shannon wished she had something to sit on, because she felt a little lightheaded at his words. "I know you have a heart, Sam. It's what drives you to do this."</p><p>"Yeah. I guess I do. So what happens if you have to violate your oaths? It's life or death, but I fucking meant it when I vowed to save people. And now I'm expected to be Captain fucking America, like I didn't just help kill thousands of people with Insight."</p><p>"Captain America is an ideal," Shannon said quietly. "Steve's killed, too. And don't think that his shield isn't killing people if he slams it into them. Blunt force trauma isn't bloody, but it can still be very deadly."</p><p>Sam looked at her for a moment, then started laughing. "Oh my God, you're right. I didn't think of that. Shit, Steve probably doesn't think of that, either."</p><p>"Yeah, probably not. It's easy to avoid thinking of death if it's not gross."</p><p>His expression sobered, and he nodded at her. "Yeah, I guess there's a point to that."</p><p>"If you're worried, why not talk to Steve about it?" Shannon prompted.</p><p>Now Sam looked embarrassed, which was fascinating. "Um... We kinda didn't get around to just talking about it when he mentioned it."</p><p>Shannon's eyes widened. "What?"</p><p>"Yeah. Talking and making out don't quite go together," Sam admitted sheepishly.</p><p>"No," Shannon breathed, eyes still wide with surprise. "You're a thing?" she asked, hoping she didn't sound like some creepy fangirl. "Is it because I'm the therapist that nobody gossips with me about this kind of thing?"</p><p>Sam laughed out loud, which was far better than the mopey and pensive expression he had when she first arrived. "It's a recent thing, and neither of us gossip much."</p><p>She wasn't about to sit on the gravel, but it was a near thing. "I am so out of the loop," she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm glad you have each other, then."</p><p>Sam relaxed in the chair, and gave her a faint smile. "Thanks. Still getting used to the idea."</p><p>"That new?"</p><p>"That new," Sam confirmed.</p><p>"In that case, I'm honored."</p><p>"Eh," he waved her off in a negligent manner. "Anyway, I'm sure Steve's working with your latest patient right now."</p><p>Shannon sighed, because she couldn't avoid it being common knowledge even though she would've liked to have some kind of patient confidentiality. "Did you want to come with me?"</p><p>"What for?"</p><p>"You were there at the Triskelion. Maybe you need closure, too."</p><p>"We got him locked up. Seems like closure enough."</p><p>She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "You know that's not good enough." Sam rolled his eyes at her but didn't disagree, so she extended her hand out to him. "I think you need to see for yourself what he's like when he's not the Asset."</p><p>"Aren't you breaking rules or something?"</p><p>"Yeah," she admitted. "But I think you need to see for yourself."</p><p>Sam sighed but took her hand. They descended to the reinforced floor and JARVIS let them in without Shannon keying in the proper code. He didn't apologize for that, only telling them that Bucky was in the exercise room instead of his cell.</p><p>"I didn't know he had an exercise room."</p><p>"Mr. Rogers had words with Sir about the lack of movement."</p><p>"Sounds like him."</p><p>The two were sparring in a large space with a padded floor and not much else. Only Steve was relatively eager to do it, and the Sergeant was holding back. Sam crossed his arms, frowning at the sight, and Shannon stayed beside him. "He's afraid of hitting Steve," he told her in tones soft enough so that even supersoldiers couldn't hear him.</p><p>"Some memories are coming back. It's slow, and piecing them together is a mess."</p><p>Blowing out a heaving breath, Sam nodded. "Okay. Yeah, I needed to see this." He looked at Shannon with a plaintive expression. "Steve's a dumbass, but his heart's in the right place. I thought it was going to get him killed."</p><p>Shannon squeezed his arm in support. "How can it, when he has you?"</p><p>They watched the rest of the sparring in silence.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div> 
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Insight and Grace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I should be jealous," Loki announced at the start of his session with Shannon. "You were my therapist first, and then the rest of them took you away from me." He sat with his arms crossed over his chest. "But they're in need of you, too."</p><p>"Your empathy is astounding," Shannon replied dryly.</p><p>Loki grinned at her. "Isn't it?" The twinkle in his eye was mischievous. "I actually care for the fools. To a degree," he added, uncrossing his arms to lift a forefinger. "The Captain has most of my sympathies, and I did warn him away from you."</p><p>Shannon rolled her eyes. "Loki."</p><p>"I'm aware you see other people. Stark included," Loki huffed, rolling his own eyes. "Hard to miss that one with this setup," he added, sweeping his arm around her office in Avengers Tower. "But it's private, and you're safe, so I'll allow it."</p><p>"You'll allow it," she echoed in amusement.</p><p>"Yes. And the Soldier," Loki continued, as if he had a say in the matter, "obviously has need of your insight and grace." He leveled a solemn expression at her. "For if you can care about an intergalactic madman, you can care about the brainwashed serial killer."</p><p>He watched as she appeared flustered. Yes, he'd chosen words to deliberately needle her and he knew better at this time. But it would draw her in, and she needed that.</p><p>Before she could open her mouth to say anything, he took a deep breath. "I do have feelings, and I do have concerns," he continued. "Not for your safety, the cell is sound. Between the Hulk's strength testing the walls and my own spells, I know it will hold and you won't be harmed."</p><p>"Loki," Shannon began, her tone somewhere between lulling and wheedling.</p><p>No, he didn't need that tone today.</p><p>"I suppose my demands to be seen will continue to allow appointments," he continued, using his most convoluted language. "SHIELD has their orders, and so do I, after all. And I suppose there are few enough with the empathy to take on the worst of us and still see a measure of humanity. To believe we have a soul."</p><p>Her expression shifted, some of those empathetic microexpressions she was so good at. She <i>cared,</i> which was helpful and harmful at once. She felt so much, and it would tear her up inside. Her grief, her loss, her betrayal... She didn't know how to handle it as well as he did. Loki expected it from everyone and everywhere. Shannon still trusted in innate goodness despite her decision to enter forensic psychology. Even knowing she could see the worst that the legal system had, she still had faith in people.</p><p>"To that end," Loki continued in a lofty tone, "I have done considerable research. With Thor, might I add," he said with a pause. He twitched his lips in amusement at her startle. "And also with Wanda, as you're aware. Mental magics aren't my strong suit when it comes to permanence, but it seems to be something that comes naturally to her. She is quite gifted with the <i>spá,</i> so it naturally follows that she would be excellent at this."</p><p>"The stone she carries affects minds," Shannon murmured.</p><p>Loki paused, considering that. "There is that," he said finally. "But she has a gift. Even if the stone adds power and fuel, she has innate understanding of the final result. That is absolutely critical for any spell of that type, or working the <i>spá."</i> He grinned self deprecatingly, ducking his chin slightly. "I haven't the patience for that working."</p><p>"I think you'd surprise yourself if you tried," she said, the corner of her mouth quirking up into a smile. She no doubt thought it was a gentle push to have him step outside of his comfort zone, make friends, do magic.</p><p>But all he could think of was the web of tangled threads flying in front of Frigga, her fingers pulling on the strings. She had pulled Wanda's life energy into it, would have drained her dry without another thought. What else had she done before Loki had stopped it?</p><p>Now that he was thinking about it, had she inadvertently caused Miguel Gray's death?</p><p>Feeling ill, Loki let his entire posture deflate. Shannon looked on in concern, leaning forward and opening her mouth to speak.</p><p>"There are consequences," he said, eyes unable to lift off the desk between them. "Perhaps it would be overly cautious of me to think of them all as connected, but I must. It's the nature of working the <i>spá,</i> playing at fate and tangling with the laws of time." He lifted his eyes to hers. "Perhaps I fear the Mad Titan and his grasp for power and death at once, but I would fear the Norns more. For they make and twist and create fate itself."</p><p>Her lips twisted, not quite smiling. Ah, understanding fate was so difficult, and so painful.</p><p>"But you'd like to work on it for the Sergeant."</p><p>"It's not creating a new fate," Loki demurred, shaking his head. "It would be undoing the layers of restrictions placed, revealing the man he had been without it."</p><p>"It's giving him back the fate he would've had."</p><p>"I have far more confidence in my ability to do <i>that,"</i> Loki said with a nod.</p><p>"I think the stone would help you with that," Shannon said, her smile still that strange and sad twist. "It didn't like anyone being in bondage or taken against their will."</p><p>"The stone said I had simple dreams. That I wanted a home," Loki admitted. He hadn't shared that before, and he swallowed thickly as he stared at his nails.</p><p>"Do you think you have one now?" she asked, voice just as quiet as his.</p><p>He looked up, sure his expression was hopeful and rueful and downright <i>pathetic,</i> but it was a real emotion. "Yes, I think I do."</p><p>Shannon's smile was wider and real now. "Good, because I think you do, too."</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>The Sergeant was dutifully writing things down in his notebook when Shannon arrived with two people. One was a tall, slender brunet man with shoulder length hair wearing a green shirt and jeans, while the other was a young woman wearing a lot of red and black, layers of jewelry and thick eyeliner. Shannon wasn't in her usual business casual dress, come to think of it, which mean this couldn't be a formal visit.<p>"Good afternoon, Sergeant," Shannon said, taking the lead entering the room. She had one of her polite smiles on her face, and Sergeant got the feeling that this was going to be a difficult day.</p><p>"One sec," he said with a slight sigh, looking down at his notebook to finish off what he was writing. "I remembered something."</p><p>"Kind of why we're here," Shannon said quietly. Not happy, not upset. Somewhere neutral. Maybe he didn't have to dread what she had to say.</p><p>Putting the reinforced notebook and pen aside, he looked at her evenly. "Is it something terrible?" he asked, hoping his rising dread didn't come across in his voice.</p><p>"Hopefully not, but you'd be the one to tell me if it was," she told him honestly. "This is Loki Friggasson and Wanda Maximoff," she said, introducing the two people with her. "They've been working on ways to free up your memories."</p><p>The Sergeant folded his hands in his lap and eyed the two of them. "Probably not shock therapy, then," he said dryly.</p><p>"Magic," Wanda said, lifting her hands. Red tendrils of light circled her fingertips and hand, and she gave him a rueful smile when he gaped at her. "It's different."</p><p>Loki, when the Sergeant looked over at him, initially seemed to balk. At Shannon's and Wanda's pointed look, he sighed. Lifting his palm so it faced the ceiling, a small globe of golden light shot with green began to form. "I don't enjoy ostentatious displays," he grumbled.</p><p>"Liar," Shannon said sweetly. "You'd just prefer a lot more credit than you'll get."</p><p>"I did the research and offered to help, did I not?" he bristled.</p><p>Interesting. Reluctant spellcaster, eager spellcaster, and a do gooder therapist that felt sorry for him. All of that meant he likely wouldn't have his mind scrambled by the end of it like he would have if they used the Chair.</p><p>Speaking of which... He cleared his throat. "Is there going to be an application of the Chair?" he asked, glad his voice didn't waver. "Because I will fight you if there is."</p><p>"Chair?" Wanda echoed, confused. The red lights winked out of existence.</p><p>Pursing his lips as if he tasted something sour, Loki closed his fists around the ball of light. "No, we will not use such an abomination. I understand the reticence to trust in us, but we have no need of such crude tactics."</p><p>"A pretty mouthful," the Sergeant intoned, crossing his arms. "So when are we starting."</p><p>"As soon as you agree," Shannon said.</p><p>The three went over the basis of the plan, and the two sorcerers discussed the series of spells and artefacts they planned to use. None of that made a lick of sense to him, but it was clear by their demeanor that it would be his choice to proceed or not. For all the effort they clearly went into figuring this out, he could say no and they would just walk away.</p><p>Blowing out a breath, the Sergeant nodded. "Can't hurt to try it out. I've been hitting more blocks lately when I try to remember things."</p><p>He'd find out soon enough if they were worth remembering.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Clint chewed on a piece of gum to keep from chewing on his nails. He sat beside Natasha watching the video feed, fully aware of how intent her gaze was. She loved him, he didn't doubt that in the slightest. She didn't say anything as she watched the Winter Soldier's body language, and he guessed that she was trying to match up his current personality to what she remembered of him. If he reached out to touch her arm or shoulder, he didn't know if she would shrug it off or if she'd even notice his touch. Not that he was insecure. She broke protocols to bring him back in when Loki had taken him, after all. Would do it again in a heartbeat.<p>He couldn't fix this for her, and that hurt him the worst.</p><p>Ultimately, he reached out and laid his hand gently on her thigh, massaging the tense muscle. She looked over at him, eyes haunted in an otherwise expressionless face. "He's tough. It'll work and they won't break him further."</p><p>"I know they'll be careful."</p><p>This was a very far cry from two and a half years ago. They had both been sure that Loki was hellbent on destroying every mind he came in contact with.</p><p>Reaching up to touch her cheek, Clint inclined his head. "So what worries you?"</p><p>"I'm not worried."</p><p>"Natasha..."</p><p>"I'm not," she insisted. She rested her hand over his, keeping it at her cheek. "Concerned about what he'll remember. How much guilt he'll feel over it."</p><p>"Because you did."</p><p>"Still do sometimes."</p><p>"You've more than balanced your ledger," Clint protested.</p><p>"Sometimes I wonder if it really has," she admitted with a soft sigh. "Because if we've lied and killed for SHIELD when it was really Hydra..."</p><p>"What did you tell me?" he asked, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. "Don't do that to yourself?"</p><p>Natasha met his eyes with a rueful smile. "But that's because you're a good man at heart. I'm an amoral killer, remember?"</p><p>"You've done pretty good about the morals part." He leaned in and touched his forehead to hers, breathing in her proximity. "Whatever you're afraid of, if he remembers or not, we'll deal with it when it comes. He remembers the kills they sent him on, he remembers torture. If he does remember time with you, let him have something good in that mess they did to him."</p><p>Her lips trembled slightly. "You really are a good man."</p><p>"So was he, once. And he can be again." Clint shifted to kiss her forehead. "You're better than you think you are. You don't give yourself any credit."</p><p>She didn't reply to that, and fell silent while watching the monitor. Loki watched as Wanda carefully chalked a circle onto the floor of the therapy side of the glass cell, which had more room once he moved the desk over. The Sergeant didn't say anything when he saw that, as Loki made it seem as though the heavy oak desk was nothing more than cardboard. Once Wanda finished the circle to his satisfaction, he reached to the side as he opened a pocket dimension. Clint snorted at the wild eyed look on the Sergeant's face, and Natasha elbowed him. "That's not very nice," she chided gently.</p><p>"Oh, I probably looked like that the first time I saw it, too," Clint acknowledged. "Just nice to know that I'm not the only one surprised by it."</p><p>Loki retrieved an ornate silver rectangular chest about the size of a science textbook. Opening it for Wanda, twin silver athames were inside. She took one and he took the other before putting the chest back into the pocket dimension. The two exchanged a look, though Wanda appeared nervous and nearly sick to her stomach. "As we practiced," Loki told her.</p><p>The two moved in concert, stepping around the circle. Faint sigils that Clint hadn't noticed before began to glow with each step. Loki and Wanda had mirrored hand gestures, moving fingers of their left hand in unison as their right hands held the athames aloft. One rotation around the circle and the athame blades began to glow as well. Another rotation, and there was a glow emanating from beneath Wanda's shirt.</p><p>The Mind Stone.</p><p>Wanda's eyes glowed red, and her magic radiated out from around her as if it was a flame. Her hair even lifted on a current, wafting around in time to the red power lines. Loki's eyes flared golden green, and instead of radiating lines around him, his skin was glowing. They continued the movements for one more turn around the circle, then dropped their athames in unison.</p><p>Space within the circle shimmered, then both mages reached forward into it. On the other side of the glass, the Sergeant had been watching avidly. He didn't notice when their hands appeared in front of him to grasp his shirt. He was pulled forward, the air in front of him in his part of the cell shimmering like the air over hot asphalt. He reappeared within the circle, suspended in air, red and golden green threads of power woven around him like a fine layer of netting. The Sergeant's breath was caught in his chest, as if he was suspended between breaths, frozen in time.</p><p>Bright red magic shone all around Wanda. "Frigga said she was bleeding magic," Clint remembered, catching Natasha's hand. "I guess this is what she meant?"</p><p>In comparison, Loki glowed, but nothing went past his skin.</p><p>They didn't move in concert anymore, but began to slowly pick and pull and cut at the netting around the Sergeant. The threads of magic weren't even, as some were thick ropes and others were thinner than embroidery floss. As the two picked and pulled at the net, Clint could see shapes and forms within the threads, snarls and knots and twists that didn't look natural to the net at all. These were the areas that Wanda and Loki were paying attention to; Wanda was taking on the larger snarls and knots, likely because those were the more difficult ones that Loki had said he didn't have the affinity for.</p><p>This was a long and involved process, done without any breaks even when the two mages' arms trembled from the strain of being held aloft to do the work. Loki's breath wasn't as ragged as Wanda's, but this wasn't easy for him, either.<br/>"I can't sit here and keep watching," Natasha sighed. "But I feel like I should. Like I owe it to them to stay."</p><p>Clint was surprised by the admission. She'd worked as a sniper just as he had, and could sit for hours if necessary. This had to be the emotional connection. It had to be because she was wound too tight as it was, and couldn't separate herself from the events.</p><p>"Hey, it's Tuesday. Go find Shannon. Talk to her or something, okay?" He smiled even though he didn't really feel joy in the moment. "I'll be here when you get back."</p><p>"But—"</p><p>"Nat," he began in a patient tone, standing and blocking her view of the screen. He drew her up to her feet and made sure he didn't position her where she could see the screen. With his height, he could block it easily. "I'll stand vigil. Nothing bad will happen to him, you know it won't. Loki isn't going to rip his mind apart, and you know I can't believe these words are even coming out of my mouth right now." Natasha's lips twitched in a smile, acknowledging the point. "Wanda's scary good at the mind thing, and that stone is helping her. I will eviscerate anyone that tortures that man any further, you know that."</p><p>Her lips trembled. "You're a good man, Clint."</p><p>"I try," he nodded. "But sometimes I fuck up. So I can recognize it in others. And honestly, if you're admitting all this to me? You need to get recentered. You're off kilter."</p><p>"Maybe this is who I am when I'm not a killer."</p><p>Clint shook his head. "Nah. This is who you were when they were training you and tearing you down so you didn't trust yourself." Her eyes widened fractionally. "C'mon, Nat. Us abused kids always know what to look for." He leaned forward so that their foreheads were touching, and linked their hands together. "I'll keep watch. You regroup, then come back when you're ready. I doubt this is going to be a short process."</p><p>She nodded, biting her lip. "Okay."</p><p>He watched her go with a concerned expression, then turned back to the screen. Loki and Wanda were still standing in front of the suspended Sergeant, who was frozen in a moment of time. They were painstakingly unknotting or cutting through snarls in the threads around him, arms raised and athame in hand. He knew from experience how tiring it was for shoulder and arm muscles to maintain that position for a long time, and also knew that they had to do as much as they could with this first round of spells. If the ritual was broken, the backlash would be terrible. If they didn't remove the majority of the triggers and overlays, he could very well become the mindless murderer that Hydra wanted him to be.</p><p>Without a sound, the mages continued their precision work. Without a sound, Clint watched them through the monitor. He couldn't help, but he could bear witness with them.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Natasha was surprised to see Shannon sitting in one of the common rooms closest to the therapy suite. "Was it hard to stay in there?" she asked.<p>"The second round of the circle, it was too much magic. Gave me the start of a headache," Shannon replied, rubbing her temple. She gestured in front of her at the large coffee mug. "Treating it with caffeine."</p><p>"That's one way to do it."</p><p>"I wasn't really working right now anyway."</p><p>Coming to sit next to her, Natasha looked at the mug. "Seems like a beer kind of moment."</p><p>"In the past few months, I've had a couple beers. I've sampled a few bottles out of the fridge," she said, pointing toward the communal kitchen with a vague arm wave at her look of surprise. "And I generally don't drink because it hits me pretty hard."</p><p>"I've noticed," Natasha said, leaning back in her chair. "Aren't things working out with your new therapist?" she asked in concern.</p><p>"I'm okay. Mostly." At Natasha's pointed expression, Shannon sighed and rubbed at her cheek in a tired manner, then took a gulp of coffee. "I am, really. It's still a shock. And it's still going to take time to recover from something like this. Being on edge? Not something I'm used to. I'm support staff, and we usually get overlooked."</p><p>"Which is what made them excellent Hydra operatives."</p><p>Shannon winced. "I guess."</p><p>"There was another therapist from the Institute that was vetted," Natasha said abruptly. "For me to talk to," she clarified when Shannon's head snapped up.</p><p>She frowned slightly, then looked off in the distance, in the general direction of the therapy suites. "Because you knew him from before."</p><p>Natasha nodded slowly. "He doesn't remember me right now, I don't think." Shannon tilted her head slightly, a concerned expression on her face. It was the same expression that had Loki trusting her. That Clint finally spoke to.</p><p>"It took a long time," Natasha finally admitted, "but I remember everything about who we used to be to each other. We were forced apart, and I could guess what happened."</p><p>Though Shannon's expression showed sympathy, it wasn't pity in her eyes. It looked more like shared heartbreak, that she understood how painful such a situation would be. "Just another knife stuck in you, isn't it?" she murmured. "They take whatever they can from you, then twist the knife and stick in a few more."</p><p>"Certainly feels that way."</p><p>They lapsed into silence for a moment. "He was the one choice I could make when I was younger," Natasha said after a moment, looking down at her linked hands. "I think I was his. We tried so hard to have a real relationship, but with Hydra involved, there was never a chance for us. And then I was left wondering what happened until a few years ago."</p><p>"You saw him again?"</p><p>Natasha nodded, a mirthless smile on her face. "On a mission. He shot through me to kill the target. But I lived, he didn't hit anything important."</p><p>Shannon looked ready to cry. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"That was the reality I lived with."</p><p>"And him, too."</p><p>She nodded slowly. "Sometimes I forget what it's like to be human. Even now."</p><p>Shannon reached out and grasped her hand. "No, you haven't. You're overwhelmed and hurting, just like the rest of us." She gave Natasha a wilted smile. "It gets better."</p><p>"Do you really believe that?" Natasha asked quietly.</p><p>"I have to. I couldn't get up in the morning if I didn't."</p><p>Nodding, the two sat in silence for a long time.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Decisions And Revisions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In light of astounding drama in the US today, I'm going to put this here as something to distract myself and others. Stay safe, everyone.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The therapy suite was different when the Sergeant was brought in by two guards. Instead of the area that resembled a cell, he was directed to sit in a comfortable chair beside a table with a bottle of water on it. Shannon had her same table with notepad, folder and pens, and she had pages spread out in front of her. The bags under her eyes were still present, but not as prominent as they used to be. "You're sleeping better," he blurted.</p><p>She blinked and offered him a slight smile. "A little, yes."</p><p>"I think I am, too, but I don't always remember what I dream about. I know you asked about it," he added. He folded his hands in his lap over the notebook he carried everywhere. "I think I'm remembering more now."</p><p>"No more headaches when you do?"</p><p>The Sergeant shook his head. For a moment he wondered if he should say more, then decided it was in his best interest to do so. Shannon wouldn't hurt him physically or mentally. She was the type that was simply incapable of it, unlike his handlers had been.</p><p>"I remembered being Bucky yesterday," he said softly. "It felt real."</p><p>"As opposed to being the Asset or the Sergeant?"</p><p>Pondering that, he unfolded his hands. "Sergeant's real. That's my rank. I can remember being him, that time in the army."</p><p>Shannon looked sad, and he couldn't figure out why she would be. Maybe she didn't like the military? Or thought his time there was terrible?</p><p>"I remember the Howlies," he lifted the notebook in his lap. "I wrote a lot about them, being in Europe. What it was like." Pausing, he contemplated her expression. "I remember the nightmares I had then. I remember a lot of that."</p><p>"And after? Falling from the train?"</p><p>Throat closing up, the Sergeant nodded. The terror was there, the pain as he landed, knowing that Steve would hold himself responsible and never forgive himself for Bucky's death.</p><p>"I know he'd've blamed himself for it," the Sergeant said, lowering his notebook. After a moment, he stood and reached out with it to put on the desk.</p><p>At least, that was his intention. He was stopped before he reached the edge of it, an invisible barrier resisting him. Frowning, he pushed against it with his metal hand. Though he couldn't see anything, the barrier was as strong as any wall they'd built around him before.</p><p>Shannon sighed. "Magic. Because I didn't want you behind bars and they wanted to be sure that any wrong memories slipping out wouldn't cause me harm."</p><p>"You're not like the handlers," the Sergeant told her, affronted. "You're not like the officers I had to protect when they made more Soldiers."</p><p>She frowned. "I don't understand. Made more soldiers?"</p><p>"I'm not the only Winter Soldier. I don't remember where they got it from yet, but they had some kind of serum to make more. Five, I think." His eyes bored into hers. "They had to be put on ice. They were too dangerous."</p><p>Her mouth dropped open. "More dangerous than you?" At his solemn nod, her eyes widened almost comically. "But you're capable of so much!"</p><p>"They had to wipe me." Instead of his hand against the barrier, he tried lobbing the notebook. It sailed across the space to land on her desk. So it was just <i>him</i> that was prevented from crossing the invisible line, not other things. That was certainly an exploitable loophole, though he wasn't interested in harming her.</p><p>"The Chair, you said," Shannon clarified.</p><p>"And drugs, and freezing me between missions," the Sergeant said with a nod. Wearily, he sank into the chair and then opened the water bottle. He had to do something with his hands or he would break something.</p><p>Tension ratcheted up, and he clenched his jaw to keep from shouting when Shannon didn't say anything right away.</p><p>"We don't have to talk about it," she said quietly. "We have the luxury of time. There's no rush to put you through those horrors again."</p><p>Eyes snapping to hers, the Sergeant stilled. "I thought you wanted to know everything."</p><p>"I do," she replied easily. "But I can afford to take the long road on this. We can ease into it when you're ready. The spells that Loki and Wanda cast stripped away the fog from your mind, but that doesn't mean you're ready to discuss them all in detail immediately."</p><p>"There were triggers," the Sergeant said abruptly. "Words in a book, if I was getting too bucky." He paused, mouth twisting into a grimace. "I didn't understand what they meant by that. Fighting back is bucky, but they also meant <i>Bucky Barnes."</i></p><p>"Likely," she agreed. Her voice was soft. "But we don't have to talk about all the horrible moments right now. You can talk about being with the Howlies. Or what it was like in New York when you were Bucky. Or any of the less terrible things that happened."</p><p>His heart thudded in his chest. "Natalia?" he asked, uncertain. "I remember her. That she was the best part of that time." The Sergeant gave her a wan smile. "But I also know she's better off without me. I know that I caused her pain even when I didn't mean to. Maybe it's better if she doesn't remember me. If I'm just a stranger that tried to kill her because I was a brainwashed monster," he said, bitterness thick even to his own ears.</p><p>"You still love her," Shannon said quietly.</p><p>"I always will. I think it's worked into my bones by now." His lips twisted into a grimace. "I can bear that kind of pain, though. I've carried it this long."</p><p>"What pain?" Shannon asked, tilting her head to the side.</p><p>"Being the only one that remembers. Being the one to know that the past isn't what they tell us, and that maybe it's better off forgotten."</p><p>"Do you think she's forgotten?"</p><p>He slumped forward, shoulders rounding. "I know she hasn't, but maybe it's best that she does. I wasn't good for her then. I brought her nothing but trouble."</p><p>"Maybe it's a decision she can make for herself."</p><p>"I don't want her to hurt because of me."</p><p>Shannon's smile was as sad as his had to be. "Shouldn't she make her own decisions about that?"</p><p>"She has Clint. Why would she want me?"</p><p>"Why not ask her?"</p><p>The Sergeant flinched and shook his head. Still slumped, hands clasped in his lap, he stared at the floor for a long time. "You should change the label on my file."</p><p>She allowed the non sequitur, which he was absurdly grateful for. "Why? What to?"</p><p>"I'll be Bucky." He looked up, a weary expression on his face. "They didn't want me to be him, and what I remember of him was good. He was a good man, and he really tried to help others."</p><p>"You don't feel like him."</p><p>"I... I don't know what I feel. I'm all wrung out. Exhausted. Like my brain doesn't work right, and I can't make it restart." He shot her a plaintive look. "I don't know what to do with this, I don't even know how to start over. Fuck, I don't even know how to be human!"</p><p>He banged on the table beside him out of frustration, forgetting it was his metal arm. The desk broke and the water bottle was punched right into the metal, causing it to splatter everywhere. Mostly on him, and he well deserved that, but the water was able to cross the invisible barrier placed between them.</p><p><span><i>"Chết mẹ,"</i></span> Shannon breathed, eyes wide as she took in the destruction.</p><p>"Fuck." Bucky grimaced. "I'm sorry."</p><p>She looked up from the remains of the side table to his stricken expression. "Uh—"</p><p>"That's why I'm dangerous. That's why they lock me up. So I don't kill anyone else."</p><p>"You weren't in control—"</p><p>"I did it," he whispered.</p><p>"What you do when you're mind controlled is not the same as the choices you make when you actually have a choice. Following a command without thought is not a real choice."</p><p>She looked so earnest, so hopeful. Nothing terrible had ever happened in her life before Hydra, had it? In pity, Bucky shook his head. "You don't really believe that, do you?"</p><p>"I do. Because now that you're not controlled by a hander, you're making decisions for yourself and they don't include deliberate harm." She pointed to the mangled table. "You forgot how strong that arm is. I think we all do."</p><p>"And I can't," Bucky said, clenching both of his hands into fists. "If I lose track of what they made me, of what was done to me, I could destroy everyone."</p><p><i>"But you don't want to."</i> </p><p>The sound of Shannon's hands coming down to the table caught his attention, likely her intent. She wasn't physically dangerous, but that didn't always mean anything.</p><p>"What I want doesn't matter."</p><p>"Now it does," Shannon insisted, staring him down. "That's the point of all this. Because you matter, and you're a person, and if you're going to be Bucky Barnes, then you have to realize it comes with choices. Every day, from stupid, dinky choices to big, important ones. You get to make them now, and what you want matters."</p><p>"Are you that eager to forget that I'm a killer?"</p><p>"Are you that eager to limit yourself so it's all you are?" Shannon challenged  him.</p><p>"There's a reason you're on the other side of a force field," Bucky growled at her.</p><p>Shannon nodded, lips pressed together in determination. She visibly swallowed, then got up and walked toward it. He watched her with large eyes, mouth parting as she crossed the barrier and stood in front of him.</p><p>As nervous as she was, she lifted her chin. "If you were nothing but a killer, I'm dead. If you were mindless, you wouldn't even let me speak right now." He watched her swallow again, standing with a defiant posture. "You killed, yes. But on their command. Never of your own volition, even when they had your mind leashed. It's what you did, but not your nature." Her chin came down a notch, expression softening. "Have you ever thought about why they had to destroy your mind so often? Why they kept having to break you to pieces? Because you're <i>not</i> a killer. You don't enjoy it. You do it when you're told to, when you have no other choices. But if you have a choice, like now, you choose not to."</p><p>"This is a ballsy move."</p><p>"Yeah." He didn't miss the shake in her hands, the flutter of her pulse in her throat. "I'm probably really stupid right now."</p><p>"Oh, you're definitely stupid," Bucky replied dryly, shaking his head.</p><p>She poked him in the chest. "I refuse to be the one carrying all the hope for your future, I'll have you know. So you better start having some of it for yourself."</p><p>That startled him enough to laugh, and the wan smile on her face broadened a bit. Probably in relief, truth be told. But she was right. He didn't want to kill her. He didn't want to hurt her. He let her stand there, poking him in the chest, daring him to do something violent, and he was still upset about breaking a table.</p><p>"The Winter Soldier isn't kind," he murmured. "Or hopeful."</p><p>Now she shot him a cheeky smile. "Then it's a good thing you're Bucky Barnes, because he was."</p><p>He'd walked right into that one, and he couldn't help but laugh until he cried. This was his life now, the whole tangled, fucked up mess of it. And even so, it was a vast improvement over the desolate waste that had been his lot as the Winter Soldier.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"What in all of the Nine Realms were you thinking?!" Loki screeched, loud enough to be heard all throughout the common areas of the tower.<p>Shannon very calmly continued eating her hamburger, not looking in his direction. "My job," she said once her mouth wasn't full.</p><p>"Have you a death wish?" he continued to screech.</p><p>The pounding noise of feet running resolved into Thor, looking concerned for Loki's sake. Oh, great. <i>Two</i> Asgardians hounding her.</p><p>Then again, she'd really asked for it with her stunt earlier.</p><p>Seated across from her, Clint shot her a sympathetic expression. No one was paying attention to him, quietly eating pizza and drinking coffee. At least she had <i>some</i> support.</p><p>"Are you that unsure of the work you and Wanda did?" Shannon asked before taking a swig of her cherry Coke. "I trust it."</p><p>"Are you daft?" Loki screeched, staring at her incredulously. "The mind is a fragile thing! That was a combination of <i>seiðr</i> and <i>spá,</i> and there's still a mess left behind in that creature's mind! What if he attacked? What if he killed you? Then where'd we be?"</p><p>Shannon put the can down with a quiet clicking sound. "You're worried, and I understand that," she murmured, gesturing for him to sit. "It was a calculated risk."</p><p>"You barely know him," Loki said, not quite pulling off a snarl as he sat, slouching. Thor approached with a frown on his face, and Loki looked up only long enough to give a single sharp shake of his head. "You don't know how much of history is correct, how much of what we did would keep you safe. That's so utterly reckless."</p><p>Leaning back in her seat, she folded her hands on her stomach and shot him a level but weary look. "Yes, I know the mind is fragile. Yes, I know I could've made a disastrous mistake. Yes, I can be an utter <span><i>ngu ngốc,</i></span> and it could've been terrible. I am very aware of this, Loki, thank you." The circles beneath her eyes felt heavy, as if she could be dragged down by them into a ball, then rolled into a hollow and hidden forever.</p><p>Wow, that got dramatic. Definitely some influence from Loki.</p><p>Speaking of which, he was glaring at her. "You cannot risk your own life in this manner!"</p><p>Thor shot her a commiserating look and strode to his side before resting a hand on his shoulder gently. He hung on even when Loki would've shrugged him off. "Brother," he said gently, "we should not let our fears get the best of us. The Soldier is strong, yes, but he lacks the will or directive to fight. There is no joy or glory in it for him. He was a plaything for others, and they did not treat him as a man." Sadness tinged his voice as Shannon nodded at him. "I am sorry for the torment they put him through, and perhaps by all of us treating him as a man, he will begin to behave as one again."</p><p>"You mean let him out?" Loki sneered. "Stop locking him up in a cell?"</p><p>"Why not?" Clint drawled, coffee mug in hand. "Worked for you."</p><p>Loki froze in place, then stared at him with a lethal gaze that rolled right off Clint. "You dare."</p><p>"You're scared," Clint continued, ignoring Loki. "Because all of us are all you've got, and the only ones that really like you are Thor, Shannon and Wanda. I get it, I really do." He sipped his coffee, still ignoring Loki's glare. "But don't drive away the one person truly equipped to help you with that fear. She's nice to you. The rest of us won't give a shit and pop you in the mouth if you really need it."</p><p>Thor snickered, and Loki spun around to glare at him like the younger brother he was.</p><p>"'Cause quite frankly," Clint said, leaning back in his seat and pointing at Loki with his slice of pizza, "you're a dick. Now sure, the rest of us can be dicks, too. We're a regular bunch of assholes sometimes. Except maybe Sam, and definitely not Shannon," he added thoughtfully, pointing to her with his pizza. "Even Steve has his moments, you know. So we'd absolutely do it if we thought you needed punching."</p><p>"Spoken similarly to the Warriors Three," Thor said, beaming at Clint.</p><p>Clint thoughtfully chewed on a bite of his pizza and looked as Shannon shook her head, a hand over her face. This was such a ridiculous conversation, and not one she'd thought of, but possibly it would be the best thing for Loki.</p><p>"Now, I get that you're scared he's going to do something and fuck things up around here or even kill Shannon." Clint nodded in her direction. "Good therapist, gives a shit. That's a rarity when the world seems to've gone to shit as it is."</p><p>"Such faint praise," Shannon murmured, the corner of her mouth curling up in a smile.</p><p>"Dude, I had to work with Vallejo and Bellington before you. Total assholes."</p><p>Loki blew out a breath. "I know that name. Bellington."</p><p>"Utter asshole," Clint nodded and waited for Loki to nod as well. "I don't think most therapists are. The profession would just die if they were. But those two? Jesus, someone should fire them and be done with it."</p><p>"They're famous and Bellington has a list of publications to his name."</p><p>Clint pulled a face that made Shannon laugh. "Ivory tower academic," he sneered. At Loki's and Thor's blank faces, he shrugged. "Deal with theories more than people."</p><p>"Jane isn't like that," Thor said, affronted.</p><p>Thinking about it, Clint shook his head. "Nah. She still knows how to talk to people."</p><p>"I met her," Shannon mused. "In London?"</p><p>Thor nodded eagerly. "She's brilliant at what she does. If she wasn't working in Norway at the moment, I'm sure you would be good friends."</p><p>Shannon was amused by that, and appreciated the sentiment. She looked over at Loki, who seemed less than enthusiastic. "You can learn to share, Loki," she chided.</p><p>He shot her a mulish look. "Or what? Some disaster will occur to make me realize the error of my ways?"</p><p>Laughing, Thor clapped him heartily on the back, upsetting his balance a bit. Thor didn't seem to notice or care that Loki shot him an aggrieved expression, and Shannon couldn't help but see how much of a normal sibling dynamic it was.</p><p>"Disaster certainly struck this world, Loki. Much change has occurred since then."</p><p>"I'm not fond of drastic changes," Loki intoned, crossing his arms over his chest.</p><p>"Drastic means are not as necessary as you think," Clint said, finishing off his coffee.</p><p>Shannon looked over at him in surprise. "Philosophy quote?"</p><p>"Nah." Clint grinned at her. "Fortune cookie."</p><p>She mock scowled at him and looked around for a napkin to wad up and throw at him. Of course that made him laugh, he was contrary that way, but she laughed along with him. It felt good to let go, some of the tension easing from her shoulders.</p><p>"I would like to see such cookies," Thor said, a pleased smile on his face. He slung an arm around Loki's shoulders and pretended not to hear Loki sigh. "We don't have those things on Asgard. All fortune telling is of dire portent and so involved to do properly, Mother all but banned its use."</p><p>"Because the <i>spá</i> is delicately wrought and easy to destroy," Loki reminded him.</p><p>"That too," Thor agreed.</p><p>"It's more in good fun than a real fortune," Clint said. He got up and looked over to the large whiteboard that hung on one wall of the kitchen, leading to the large dining area. Shannon had mentioned a chore chart once to Natasha a few weeks ago, and of course the redhead had run with the idea. "Looks like most of the gang should be here tonight, so we can have one of those team bonding dinners." He grinned at Loki and Thor. "We can order Chinese tonight and you can see fortune cookies for yourself."</p><p>Shannon reached over and placed a hand on Loki's folded arms. "We'll be okay, Loki. Promise."</p><p>"You can't promise that," he said, voice thrumming with emotions.</p><p>"For this, I can."</p><p>Call her a stupid optimist, but she didn't think she was lying to him.</p><div class="center">
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Mission Report</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shannon sat in the large meeting area nursing a mug full of chai when Loki arrived. While he was tense, she had a serene expression on her face despite the shadows under her eyes. "Thanks for coming early," she said before he could even open his mouth. "There's going to be a lot of talk for everybody, and I wanted to get a few things clear with you beforehand."</p><p>Loki had pulled his hair back into a ponytail at the nape of his neck instead of keeping it loose, and he was dressed more like a human hipster than banished Asgardian. He didn't appear to be stressed, even though he actually was. There were no outward tells, not like her torn cuticles and shadowed eyes. She couldn't wear sandals anymore, because she had ripped apart all of her toenails until they were bloody messes. That was a stress reaction more easily hidden from others, but she felt the guilt eat at her, too. Natasha had wanted her to have a proper therapist and ability to take care of herself, but Shannon was stretching herself too thin at the moment. She felt it every time she clenched her jaws or ripped a tiny bit of nail growth.</p><p>If only she could just as easily rip out the memories of betrayal and feelings of dread.</p><p>"How much am I going to dread what you have to say?" Loki sighed, sitting beside her.</p><p>"You know I try to keep things ethical," Shannon said, looking down at her mug. "It's hard, you know who some of my other patients are, you know some of what I'd have to talk about with them. So it's not really as separate from your treatment as it should be. But I try not to actually discuss anything with you unless it actually pertains to you."</p><p>"Yes, yes," he said as he rolled his eyes. "Because you're honest and try to do the job properly, no matter the difficulties I bring to you."</p><p>She grasped his hand in hers and then reached forward to put her mug down. "No, I'm not reiterating this because you're being difficult, Loki. I'm reminding you that <i>I</i> am being difficult. Because it would be easier for me to just have you rifle through his head and rearrange things for him. But I'm not asking you for that and I never will."</p><p>He blinked. "I didn't even think to offer to do that for you."</p><p>"Because you know how I operate, I think. Because you know I've always played it straight with you, and you know that I'll do the same for others."</p><p>"I sense a but coming."</p><p>Shannon laughed. "No, there isn't." She gave his hand a squeeze. "We're still going to have our sessions on Monday. I wanted to remind you of that. The Director hasn't insisted that you have to have any sessions at the SHIELD location, but it might just be a matter of time. The dust hasn't quite settled yet. Until she forces the issue, we're sticking with just Mondays here. Is that okay with you?"</p><p>Loki laughed in relief. "Is that all you were concerned about?" He shook his head. "Yes, yes, I'm quite all right with that."</p><p>"Okay, good. I didn't get a chance to say anything about it because our usual session was taken up with the spell casting and then your recovery, and the rest of this week..."</p><p>"They keep you occupied at SHIELD," Loki glowered. "And I don't trust Agent O'Keefe yet."</p><p>She shrugged. "I don't know anything about her, so you'll have to make up your own mind."</p><p>"She's perfectly ordinary," Loki mused. "There's nothing special about her at all."</p><p>"None?" Shannon asked in surprise.</p><p>He thought for a moment. "She's tall? Almost as tall as I am. I suppose that counts."</p><p>Shannon snorted in amusement. "You're just determined not to like her."</p><p>Pressing his lips together for a moment, Loki finally nodded. "Likely."</p><p>Squeezing his hand again, she shot him a smile. "You're going to be okay."</p><p>"I do have you. And I suppose Thor," he added after a moment. "And Wanda and Pietro."</p><p>"You can count the rest of the Avengers as allies, you know."</p><p>Just as Loki was about to reply, voices were audible down the hall. He gave her a brisk nod instead of answering, and looked toward the hallway. Clint and Natasha were walking in first, both in jeans and matching hoodies. Natasha seemed far too serious, but Shannon didn't feel comfortable enough asking her what the problem was. For one, they weren't exactly friends, and for the other, Shannon was the therapist for her ex-boyfriend. Awkward.</p><p>Thor followed them, dressed in an unassuming pair of faded jeans and a plain blue shirt. His hair was also pulled back into a ponytail, but his entire posture conveyed the demeanor of a surfer dude without the surfboard. Behind his bulk, Bruce carried a mug of tea in hand. His shoulders slumped, as if he very much didn't want to be seen. The twins were chatting in Sokovian, a soft red glow behind Wanda's eyes when Shannon looked at her directly. The mind stone still hung around her neck, hidden by the layered shirt and vest she wore as well as five other necklaces with charms hanging from them.</p><p>They had to wait for Sam, Steve and Tony. "So we're really doing the team meeting thing?" Clint sighed, shaking his head. "Does that make you department secretary or something?" he asked Shannon, looking at her with a lofted eyebrow. "You're kinda missing the notepad and pen."</p><p>She shot him a wan smile. "I already know what I want to say."</p><p>"Seems serious," Bruce commented, sipping at his tea.</p><p>"There have been many serious threats," Thor said, frowning. "I wish I could have offered aid, but other realms are in danger as well. The Warriors Three are on Vanaheim with Sif leading the Einherjar against invaders."</p><p>"Yet you're not leading the charge," Loki commented, voice even.</p><p>Thor looked at him. "You needed me."</p><p>Loki fell silent, pondering that with a slight incline of his head. Tony entered then, carrying a huge mug of coffee. Sam and Steve were with him, silent and looking expectantly at Shannon. That made Loki look at her contemplatively, lips parting.</p><p>Pressing her own lips together, she forced a smile to her face and tried to feel confident. "Thanks for coming, everybody. As you all know, I'm working with Bucky to process the memories left behind after his time as the Winter Soldier. Some weren't too happy with my crossing the boundary during my last session with him—"</p><p>"Because it's a dumbass idea that'll get you killed," Clint intoned under his breath.</p><p>"We don't know what he's capable of," Thor said at the same time.</p><p>"—but the mental modifications worked. The real test will come with finding and accessing the triggers he was talking about," Shannon finished, ignoring both of them. She looked over at Wanda, who was already reaching into her vest pocket. The notebook she pulled out of it was larger than the pocket, but she'd been working with Loki on pocket storage dimensions. She found it easier to anchor the storage in something real for now.</p><p>Natasha paled and went utterly still when she saw the red star on the front of the notebook. "Where did you get that? <i>How</i> did you get that?"</p><p>Wanda looked too proud of herself. "A thread of memory that I picked apart had the book. I followed the feeling to its source and removed it from where it was hidden." She shrugged and definitely looked smug. "The agent in hiding doesn't even know it's gone. I appeared, reached into the wall it was plastered into while he was at the grocery store, grabbed it, and then came right back here through a portal."</p><p>"Wait, you can do that?" Clint blurted.</p><p>"What are we talking about?" Steve asked at the same time.</p><p>Sam stared at everyone in the room like he was watching a tennis match. "Does that mean the book is an instruction manual?"</p><p>"Sort of," Wanda said, still holding up the book. "A series of words were implanted into his mind to wipe him clean if they didn't have access to a chair."</p><p>"A chair?" Tony said with a frown.</p><p>"A specialized one," Shannon explained. "ECT, drugs, and sensory deprivation to erase whatever memories were starting to form from his past."</p><p>Everyone fell silent at that. Bucky had been <i>tortured</i> into being the Winter Soldier, and it was something that most hadn't been aware of before.</p><p>"Those foul men don't deserve to be called such," Thor said, voice heavy with sorrow.</p><p>Wanda opened the book, revealing tables, numbers and closely written paragraphs of Cyrillic writing. "There were words to be said in sequence to trigger the reaction, wiping him clean for an indeterminate amount of time. But this book also includes a record of missions until December 16, 1991."</p><p>Tony went still. "What did you say?"</p><p>When she repeated the date, Tony held his mug in a white knuckled grip. "Is it important?" she asked, looking at him in concern.</p><p>"My parents died that day on the way to the airport."</p><p>Steve reached over and put his hand on Tony's shoulder. "Hey. We're here with you."</p><p>"It was a car accident," Tony said, voice shaking a bit. He looked over at Shannon, whose brows knit in concern for him. "This means he killed them, doesn't it?"</p><p>Wanda looked down at the book again. "It says Vasily Karpov ordered the agent to retrieve samples held by H.S. and leave no witnesses behind."</p><p>"Howard Stark," Tony said, looking sick to his stomach.</p><p>Steve squeezed his shoulder tightly and looked at Wanda. "Does it say what samples?"</p><p>"No. That's all it says about that date. It's the last mission report in the book."</p><p>Natasha took hold of the book and began flipping through pages. "Where's Karpov now?"</p><p>"He's the agent I stole the book from," Wanda replied, looking at her. "Did you want him here?"</p><p>"Yes," Tony said, facial features hardening. "I want to know why he had my parents killed."</p><p>Shannon lifted a hand. "We can do that, yes. But the reason I called you all here was because once we got the book with the triggers that Bucky was so worried about, I wanted to see if they're really eliminated, but with all of you here in case something goes wrong."</p><p>As she thought it would, chaos broke out. Loki was staring at her with his mouth open, but everyone else was shouting some variation of "Are you crazy?" or "Do you have a death wish?" with various amounts of incredulity. Shannon reached for her mug of tea, glad that her hands didn't shake as she drank it.</p><p>"Once upon a time," she began slowly when the noise died down, "everyone thought I was nuts for suggesting that we ease restrictions for Loki."</p><p>"You're treating him the same way you treated me," Loki murmured, staring at her.</p><p>"You're both very dangerous men in need of a connection to other people," Shannon said softly.</p><p>"You're putting yourself at risk," Natasha said, voice flat.</p><p>"I trust my work," Wanda said, eyes flashing. To Shannon's magic sense, it looked like her red magic was bursting out of her eyes like flames, and the skin was glowing with that same scarlet red. "If you're that concerned for her safety, I can have a portal ready. I'll bend reality to save her life if it's ever in danger."</p><p>Clint put a hand on Natasha's knee. "I see her point. We have to stress test, and it has to be done safely." He looked over at Shannon, taking in the pale cheeks and dark circles under her eyes. She probably should've covered it up with makeup, but there was no point, really. She was tired, probably heading toward burnout if she wasn't careful, and dammit, she didn't care if they knew she was stretched thin or not. They were the heroes, not her. She had limits, and she needed them to keep her safe if they were doing this.</p><p>"He didn't hurt me and didn't want to hurt me," Shannon said softly.</p><p>"And even before that, didn't want to hurt anybody," Sam said, looking at her. "I could tell, he was pulling his punches with Steve."</p><p>All eyes swiveled to look at Steve, who sighed. "Yeah, he was. I wasn't, and he never hit back as hard as I was walloping him."</p><p>"It's a calculated risk, and one I'm willing to take if you'll help me," Shannon said after another sip of her tea. "If not, I'll hold off on the idea."</p><p>"But you crossed the magic barrier," Loki snapped. "Without anyone there to help you."</p><p>"He was already devastated from breaking a <i>table,"</i> Shannon sighed, shoulders slumping. "I didn't think, really, it seemed right at the time."</p><p>Loki growled something in Allspeak beneath his breath that made Thor's mouth quirk in amusement. "Not very flattering, I guess," Shannon said, looking between the two of them. "Is it that I'm being a dumbass?"</p><p>"It's a more derogatory term," Thor replied.</p><p>She shrugged. "I deserve it. As far as Bucky's journey goes, though, it was the start of a good one. He's taken on an actual identity. He has memories that are more than just painful ones."</p><p>Tony looked at her, expression still ashen. "Would he be able to tell me why he killed my parents? What he stole?"</p><p>"I don't know." She looked at him, her expression sympathetic and open. "Will it help you to know what happened that day?"</p><p>He swallowed but kept his gaze locked to hers. "Maybe. I don't know."</p><p>"Then I'll ask about it."</p><p>"We need to go through this entire mission book," Natasha said, looking up from the pages she was skimming through. "And I should compare it to SHIELD records."</p><p>"Oh, shit," Sam breathed. "That's right. That's a Hydra book, so some of it might be in SHIELD archives as a scam."</p><p>"So there's a lot we need to know."</p><p>Shannon scrubbed at her face tiredly. She'd opened herself up to this possibility, and here it all was at once. "Make a list, and I'll go through it."</p><p>"No," Natasha said, shaking her head. "I'll do the mission reports. You can discuss the fallout afterward, but I'm doing the debriefs. You wouldn't know the questions that need to be asked in order to really know what happened."</p><p>"I'll help you," Clint said immediately.</p><p>Thank god, she didn't have to do that part. Shannon nodded at them gratefully. "I appreciate that, I really do."</p><p>"Sounds like we're doing it," Sam murmured.</p><p>Bruce looked up from his mug for the first time. "We should help however we can. We're supposed to be heroes, right? A horrific wrong was done to him. I know what it's like to be trapped inside a body I can't control." He looked up at the others, expression carefully blank even though his eyes spoke of unspeakable pain. "You don't know how much it'll help him to be treated like a regular person and not a monster."</p><p>"Thank you, Bruce. That's my intention," Shannon murmured.</p><p>"Not all of us at once," Tony murmured, clutching his coffee mug. "And I don't think I can look him in the eye right now." He looked over at Steve, who still had a hand on his shoulder in silent support. "He might've been no more than a meat puppet, but knowing he killed my old man and my mom? I don't think I can be objective."</p><p>"We'll stay with you," Steve offered, gesturing at himself and Sam. "Distract you, maybe."</p><p>Tony summoned a ghost of his former smirk. "Flattering, but I think Pepper would kill me if she's not involved in the orgy."</p><p>He outright snickered when Steve flushed red and Sam sputtered. Shannon hid her own smile behind her mug, but was glad that Tony could even crack a joke. It might've been at Steve's expense, but that was his primary defense mechanism. If it was still working, he would be okay in the long run. He would just have to process what he heard today.</p><p>And quite frankly, the self awareness to know he couldn't be objective was amazing progress on his part. Shannon could pat herself on the back for that one.</p><p>"The rest of us could certainly watch over you," Thor told Shannon solemnly. "I would be most honored to guard you. As thanks for helping with my brother and finding a place for him. He's more like the man I remember."</p><p>Loki rolled his eyes and blew out an annoyed breath. "Really, brother?"</p><p>Thor beamed at him, and then turned that full smile onto Shannon. "Whenever you've need of me, I shall be there." He inclined his head regally. "When shall we start?"</p><p>"His next session with me is tomorrow, but—"</p><p>Thor held up a hand. "I am always ready for battle."</p><p>"Of course you are," Loki sighed.</p><p>"We are all comrades in arms," Thor continued, growing more excited. "I for one would be most ready to come to your aid tomorrow." He looked over at Natasha and Clint eagerly.</p><p>Natasha shrugged when Clint raised an eyebrow at her. "Your session starts at two. We'll start at one with the debriefings, then."</p><p>"We've done them before with him, so he probably won't think it's out of the ordinary."</p><p>"Unless you show him the book," Wanda pointed out.</p><p>"I can cover it," Natasha said, brows furrowing in an almost defensive manner.</p><p>"What, like covering it in a brown paper bag like you're in elementary school?" Sam asked.</p><p>"I can go buy something at Whole Foods real quick if you don't have something here already," Shannon offered.</p><p>"I have stretchy fabric ones in my suite," Bruce offered.</p><p>"So you're really doing this, then," Loki murmured as the others talked about the logistics for the mission report session and then the therapy session afterward. "He'll be exhausted by the time he meets with you."</p><p>"Fewer defenses," Shannon replied.</p><p>"He'll also be more frustrated."</p><p>"I know how to dance around uncomfortable topics."</p><p>Loki's gaze flicked toward Thor, who was leaning forward in his seat, listening avidly. "I suppose you do," he acknowledged.</p><p>She reached out and grasped his hand. "It'll be okay. I think we're worrying for nothing, but it's better to be prepared."</p><p>"I will not lose you," Loki said, squeezing her hand back. "I will incapacitate him rather than allow him to lay a finger on you in harm." At her look of surprise, he smiled ruefully. "You wouldn't appreciate me killing him."</p><p>"No, I wouldn't," she said with a smile. Oh, the difference nearly three years of therapy made! He probably wouldn't see it as progress, but she knew he'd done a lot of internal work to get to this point.</p><p>"This world has grown on me," Loki admitted softly. "I see why Thor loves it so."</p><p>"And we're the dinky planet, too," she teased. "The other realms must be wonderful."</p><p>"The ones that aren't blasted messes, perhaps," Loki said. "When my weregild is paid, perhaps I can show you and Henry."</p><p>Shannon grinned at him. "It's a deal."</p><div class="center">
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Establishing Humanity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She was drowning, tilting on the edge of a precipice that no one else could see. It was a cavern, yawning wide in the center of her chest, and she would disappear into the depths and no one would ever know it had happened.</p><p>No, that wasn't right. Clint would know. He was the only one, perhaps. Everyone else saw what she wanted them to see, and they didn't know her well enough to know how to peer past the façade she had crafted so carefully. The Natasha Romanoff was a mask as good as any other, but it wasn't anything more than that. It couldn't be, when there was nothing for it to be built on. There was nothing behind it, because Black Widows were nothing but weapons, and weapons had no feelings, no memories, no heart.</p><p>Perhaps that wasn't right, either, because she did have a heart. And once upon a time, she had given it to the Winter Soldier.</p><p>Clint told her that she didn't have to be there, she didn't have to go through the notebook. They needed her Russian, her clearance, her knowledge of protocols they would've used back then. It had been when she was a child, but the old codes and strategies had been carried forward as part of the Red Room training. Department X and the Red Room had been different arms to reach the ultimate goal of taking down the United States and their regime, after all. They had wanted to be the best, the ultimate supremacy in the world.</p><p>How much of it had been KGB/FSB and how much of it had been Hydra? It was impossible for Natasha to pull them apart now, no matter how much she would like to.</p><p>Bucky froze when she entered the room with Clint, and his eyes flicked to the notebook in her hands. She elected not to hide its cover, and now she was greeted with pain, disappointment and betrayal in his eyes. He thought she was his next handler, and that thought stung more than she thought it would.</p><p>"What are your orders?" he asked, voice dull as his entire posture deflated.</p><p>Not trusting her voice to speak, Natasha let Clint step forward. "This came into our possession," he began, hands in his pockets and his stance relaxed. "There's a lot that probably doesn't match our databases, but we'd like to cross reference."</p><p>He looked up at them, a flicker of hope in his eyes. "You're not going to use the words?"</p><p>"We'd like to try them when you're ready," Natasha said, voice huskier than usual out of her own distress. "They should be eliminated, but we'd have to check."</p><p>His gaze flickered. "Ah. Of course."</p><p>She knew he remembered everything. Or close to everything. He still loved her and thought she was better off without him in her life.</p><p>Natasha didn't know what to believe on that front, and didn't like feeling out of sorts.</p><p>Clint started at the beginning of the mission reports, no doubt intending to ease Bucky into it. He remembered every mission, and Natasha cross referenced it to the SHIELD databases that she could access. This was easy enough for her. She didn't have to really think about what each report symbolized, just if it was present or not. Her own past was littered with bodies, after all, and it would be highly hypocritical to judge Bucky for things he had no control over. Separating the reports into case numbers or events to look up, Natasha fell into the flow of information retrieval and cross referencing.</p><p>This was easy. This was emotionally neutral. This didn't hurt.</p><p>"My Russian is shit," Clint said quietly. Bucky remembered everything about December 16, 1991, and tears slid silently down his cheeks. "You probably need a moment anyway, though," he said, snapping the book shut.</p><p>"Do what you came here to do," Bucky said, tears still in his eyes as he lifted his chin. "It's no less than I deserve."</p><p>Jaw set, Clint shook his head. "Getting your head fucked with doesn't mean everything that happened was your fault. Your body, your hands, but their commands. It's not entirely yours to deal with."</p><p>"But I still did it," Bucky murmured, meeting his eyes.</p><p>Clint nodded. "And you're the one that will carry nightmares, not them. But taking on all the blame erases their part in the murders, and they don't deserve getting someone else to take all of the fall."</p><p>"It's not like you can do anything about it," Bucky mumbled.</p><p>"We can sure as shit try," Clint said, handing the book to Natasha. "Let us know when you're ready. She'll have to read the command words."</p><p>Something crumpled in his expression when he looked at her, but Bucky stoically nodded.</p><p>Each Russian word rang out in the space between the three of them. Bucky stared at them with each one, fear ebbing as he felt nothing in response. Hope flared when Natasha closed the cover and looked at him expectantly.</p><p>"I'm still me. If it worked, I should've blanked and said I was ready to comply while screaming in my head all the while."</p><p>"So you were aware?" Natasha asked, gaze sharp as she took in his features.</p><p>Bucky winced. "To some extent. I was watching myself move, but I couldn't control it. Like I was there, but I wasn't at the same time."</p><p>"The drugs and conditioning," Natasha said, nodding slightly. "That's how it works."</p><p>"So you remember, too."</p><p>"I think it's safe to say we're all aware of everything that ever happened," Clint said. He chuckled at Bucky's abashed expression. "What? You think I blame you? Of course you'd love Natasha. Of course she'd love you."</p><p>"And of course you can afford to be generous about the past," Bucky said, bitterness lacing his voice. "You're the better man for it."</p><p>Clint snorted. "Oh fuck you and your pity party," he said, rolling his eyes. "I guess we have to have it out now, then." He shook off Natasha's hand on his arm. "We're a trio of assassins that have been used by our governments and all experienced some form of brain washing, okay? We can manage to be fucking grown ups." He paused and grimaced. "Oh my god, what the hell just came out of my mouth?"</p><p>Natasha managed to smirk at him. "Never thought you'd see the day, huh?"</p><p>"Jesus." Clint shook his head. "The day I pass as a competent adult and role model is the day I have to give up my ratty apartment."</p><p>Bucky scrubbed at his face and Natasha almost felt sorry for him. He was out of his depth, and didn't know what to expect anymore. Too many feelings all around in this room, and for Clint to take the lead on this probably meant that it would end in disaster.</p><p>Then again, she was hardly a role model for healthy relationships and emotions, anyway.</p><p>"Look. It's very simple," Clint continued. "You love her. She loves you. She also loves me. I love her. And I'm not into dudes," he added for good measure, shrugging. Natasha couldn't help but smile a little at that addition, it was so Clint. "Dunno if you are or not, not judging here. But if anything happens between the two of you, I'm not a guaranteed third, got it?"</p><p>He blinked at Clint, expression carefully blank. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>"He's saying that if I want to restart anything with you, he won't stand in the way of that. And likely won't join us in anything unless I ask really, really nicely."</p><p>"Yeah. Not into kissing guys or sucking cock," Clint said baldly. "If you're into that and wanna, I'm down. But I'm not reciprocating."</p><p>Cautiously, Bucky licked his lips. "Not the conversation I thought I'd have with either of you."</p><p>"Technically, you still haven't," Natasha told him wryly. "Clint decided to charge full steam ahead as usual."</p><p>"Worked with you," Clint said with an unrepentant shrug. "Spies will pussyfoot around every damn thing, and I have no patience for that kind of bullshit."</p><p>Bucky laughed out loud. "My feeling exactly. I'm not the spy, I'm the sniper and hard hitter."</p><p>Clint grinned and looked over at Natasha. "Nat, you so have a type."</p><p>Natasha sighed. "Clint..."</p><p>"What? You do. Competent guys who take people down from a distance and can have your back. Not a bad category to be into, you know?" He shared a smile with Bucky. "Now, romance should really be off the table until you feel more settled. And you're let loose enough to actually date, because having to try to romance somebody while in lockdown sucks."</p><p>Covering her face with her hands, Natasha shook her head. "Nobody told you to do that..."</p><p>"You were lonely! And bored as hell!"</p><p>Leaning back in his seat, Bucky smiled at them. "Sounds like a lot of fun stories."</p><p>Looking at his watch, Clint wagged his eyebrows at Natasha. "We have time for one before Shannon comes in for her session."</p><p>Natasha peeked through her fingers and saw Bucky's eager smile. "Just one."</p><p>"Don't worry, I'll make it good," Clint promised, rubbing his hands together gleefully.</p><p>She might not be a role model for healthy relationships, but she couldn't regret the ones she had.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Bucky looked up in surprise when the door to his cell opened. It wasn't a usual day for therapy, wasn't a visit from Steve with or without Sam for sparring, or Clint and Natasha to go through SHIELD databases. Bruce had come in once or twice to teach him breathing techniques and yoga, which had felt strange and strangely therapeutic. That was something Bucky wanted to continue, which Bruce appreciated.<p>Tony Stark was standing in the doorway, two large mugs of coffee in his hands. "They're both for me," he said quickly, moving to place one on the desk Shannon used. Sometimes Natasha sat in the chair and used the desk for writing, and Clint tended to sit on the desk cross legged.</p><p>"You made a lot of this stuff," Bucky said, sitting up from his stretched out position on the bed.</p><p>"Yeah. It survived pretty good, I think," Tony said, eyeing the stacks of notebooks and pens.</p><p>"But you're not here about that," Bucky guessed. "You're here about something else."</p><p>"That mission from the notebook," Tony began, hands wrapped around his oversized mug for warmth. "The last one. December 16, 1991."</p><p>Bucky said the date along with him, nodding. "Your father."</p><p>"And you killed my Mom."</p><p>Wincing, Bucky nodded. His mouth was dry, and he didn't think saying sorry was adequate. Silence was probably worse, so he took a breath to say something.</p><p>Tony cut him off before he could speak. "What do you remember about it?"</p><p>"Everything," Bucky said in a small voice, his entire body deflating.</p><p>"Why?" Tony asked, a rasp of emotion present.</p><p>"There were samples in the trunk of a serum. I didn't see it, but I think that's what they used to make more Winter Soldiers. The dangerous ones."</p><p>Bucky took no pleasure in seeing the shock on Tony's face or the way he staggered and banged into the desk, coffee sloshing. "More."</p><p>"Five of them permanently on ice because they couldn't be controlled. They couldn't be wiped, and they went after the scientists and handlers. Hydra didn't like that."</p><p>Tony swigged the coffee and rubbed his temple as if he had a headache. "Jesus."</p><p>"Pretty sure even He wouldn't forgive Hydra," Bucky said, leaning back and shooting Tony a wry smile.</p><p>He laughed, then sipped his coffee thoughtfully. "He's into turning the other cheek, though."</p><p>"People forget the cultural context, though." Bucky crossed his arms and smirked at Tony. "Jesus was subversive as all hell, and that side of him got lost."</p><p>"Like Steve never told anybody about that sense of humor of yours."</p><p>"On purpose, probably." Bucky smirked. "He was such a little shit, starting fights I had to finish for him." He shook his head. "I remember a lot more of those now."</p><p>Tony's eyes lit up. "So I could get all the dirt on Cap?"</p><p>Bucky laughed. "Yeah, probably. Dunno how useful it'll be for who he is now."</p><p>Nodding, Tony drank his coffee, then moved to sit in Shannon's chair. "I thought I'd hate you," he said finally. "I wanted to. Still do. But God, you got fucked over by them as much as the rest of us. Worse, even. Yeah, you killed my parents, but they had to fucking fry your brains to make you do it." He looked up with a bleak expression. "I can't even imagine how that would be. I've lived so long without my parents now, I know how that works. If I didn't have my mind..."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Bucky murmured, voice hoarse. "I remember now. I would've stopped it if I could..."</p><p>Rubbing his cheeks, Tony let out a long, sighing breath. "But you couldn't. And they're still dead." Another breath. "All the sorry's in the world won't change that."</p><p>Bucky was sure he would cry in a moment, and only nodded at Tony, lips pressed so tightly together he was sure they were white. "I can never make that up to you."</p><p>"Sure you can." Tony gulped more of his coffee. "You fix your head so you can help us take out the rest of Hydra. Fucking wipe them off the map. Salt the earth and some shit, make sure that they never come back. Ever."</p><p>He nodded, still deflated. "That's the plan."</p><p>Thinking it over, Tony grabbed the second mug of coffee and walked it over to Bucky. "You can have this after all."</p><p>"Holding coffee hostage?"</p><p>"Nah," Tony huffed, eyes suspiciously shiny. "I've got a coffee headache coming on, and it would be a waste of caffeine to pour it down the drain."</p><p>Bucky took a deep swallow and savored the taste. "Good stuff."</p><p>"You've had shit brewed in socks, Barnes," Tony said dryly. "I wouldn't trust you to judge coffee properly." His expression softened a fraction. "But yeah. Expensive beans and flavorings."</p><p>Silence stretched out, awkward and difficult to break once established. Bucky could sit in silence like that, he was used to it as a sniper. Tony was jiggling his knee a little under the table when he sat down, and he looked like he wanted to say something but didn't know what.</p><p>Taking pity on him, a foreign emotion in and of itself, Bucky sipped the coffee and held the mug in both of his hands. "There was something else you wanted to talk about."</p><p>Tony's expression carried faint relief within the nonchalance he tried to portray. "Well. There's your arm, too. The tech, I mean." He gestured vaguely in Bucky's direction. "Taking a look at how the plates and mechanics work—"</p><p>The man was babbling, amazingly enough. Bucky just leveled him with a look. "Are you planning to take it apart while I'm conscious or rip apart the joint?"</p><p>Tony looked at him in abject horror. "Absolutely not!"</p><p>"Then we're okay."</p><p>He nonchalantly took another sip of the exquisitely good coffee, watching Tony's flabbergasted expression as the meaning behind his words sank in. Bucky nodded at him. "Yeah, they did that. So, you know. Warn me if there's going to be a short circuit. Use anesthesia if you need to dig into the joint, and we should be good."</p><p>He scrubbed his face tiredly and leaned back in the chair. "Well, fuck."</p><p>"Yeah, I think some of them tried that, too."</p><p>The flat tone of Bucky's voice startled Tony more than a shout would've. "Jesus. Did you tell Shannon about any of that shit?"</p><p>"She's soft pedaling me."</p><p>"Meaning no."</p><p>"Meaning <i>fuck no.</i> Hydra already messed up her life enough as it is, I can tell. Do you really think I want to gift her with screaming nightmares when she's trying to help me be human again? No, thank you."</p><p>Tony swallowed and nodded, thoughts whirring in his head. Bucky suddenly remembered Howard Stark with a similar expression on his face, and then the crazy shit he'd invent for the Howlies to try out on the field.</p><p>Nostalgia punched him in the gut, and he hid the breathless moment by drinking the coffee. "Tony," he said quietly. "You don't have to like me. We don't have to be buddy-buddy. I know I did a lot of things I can never make up for. Killing Howard and your mother are part of that. I'd take it back if I could, but I can't."</p><p>"You don't even know her name," Tony said, staring at Bucky.</p><p>"I never met her before, and the file said nothing about her," Bucky said plainly. "I didn't recognize him right away, Howard got older and I didn't. He remembered me when he saw me, and the sound of his voice..." Bucky took a sip. "But orders were given. The Asset had to comply. I'd be punished otherwise."</p><p>"Punished," Tony echoed, looking sick.</p><p>"They have their ways," Bucky said quietly. "Had, hopefully."</p><p>Tony's hands curled into fists. For a moment, Bucky thought he wanted to land a punch on his face, but he took several deep breaths. When the pulse in his throat stopped leaping, Tony looked back at him. "Turning Project Insight against them was too quick an option. There should've been a way to torture them. Something."</p><p>Bucky shook his head. "Don't turn into them. It's not worth it, and it carves a hole out of you so you can't pretend to be human anymore. I was a machine, Tony. A tool. Don't let them do the same to you."</p><p>Jaw clenched, Tony looked at him for a long while before nodding. "We're still hunting down the remaining cells. If you're going to join us, I need to fix your arm and retrofit some of the things I was working on for a suit."</p><p>"I'm going with you." Bucky said it as a statement and not a question out of shock.</p><p>"For how much shit they put you through, they owe you, don't you think?"</p><p>He blew out a slow breath. "I... I don't wanna fight. But there's always a fight, isn't there?"</p><p>"You know what Hydra says... Cut off one head..."</p><p>Bucky managed not to smash the coffee cup in his metal hand, instead putting it down with exaggerated care. "Burn out the other two."</p><p>Tony nodded grimly at Bucky, then rose. "I'll start prepping my lab. We've got work to do."</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Optics</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thor and Loki sat in one of the recreation areas on the common floor of Avengers Tower. Thor managed to find some Asgardian mead and Loki had raided the fridge for leftovers, and the two had dinner together. It had been a peaceable affair, perhaps not the ribald atmosphere that Thor had hoped for, but certainly better than quiet rage. Afterward, the two sat in silence in the main rec room. Thor had hoped that he could engage Loki in a quick card game, but Loki wasn't having any part in that. He appeared distant, and on Asgard Thor would've left him alone to sulk in silence.</p><p>"What troubles you?" Thor asked, frowning slightly.</p><p>"You cannot aid me."</p><p>"How can you know for certain if you don't tell me what troubles you?"</p><p>"My weakness with the <i>spá</i> might put us at risk."</p><p>"Ah." Thor nodded. "Yes, I cannot aid you in such things. Wanda is skilled, is she not?"</p><p>"I am teaching <i>her</i> of magic. How do you suppose <i>she</i> could teach <i>me?"</i></p><p>"She doesn't know about the rules Mother taught you. And haven't you always said that rules can be so stifling?"</p><p>Loki had stilled at Thor's mention of Frigga, then narrowed his eyes. "You think I'm getting rule bound," he said, his voice carrying the eerie calm that signaled it was the calm before a storm of blades and magic.</p><p>Thor hadn't realized how much he had missed that tone of voice. Perhaps it was simply nostalgia, but he missed how eager Loki used to be to fight beside him.</p><p>Taking a chance, Thor grasped Loki's shoulder. "This world runs heavily on rules. Contingencies on your weregild and such likely are foremost in your mind." The Warriors Three and Sif never thought of him as a diplomat, but occasionally Thor could string the words together in a kinder way. He just usually didn't care to.</p><p>At least his brother wasn't shaking off his touch. Thor needed it; this was real, it wasn't an illusion or mad dream that he could still have a relationship. Their foundations had crumbled, and the past he looked back on so fondly didn't carry the same meaning for Loki. But Thor missed his brother and companionship, the cutting commentary and the knowledge that Loki's clever mind could find avenues that Thor never could. But grief and worry were tangling those thoughts, and Thor didn't blame Loki for them in the slightest.</p><p>"I don't know if there is more to do with the Soldier's mind. The two of you would have to confer and discuss such things. But I doubt it's your weakness with the <i>spá,</i> brother. You saw our mother's treachery straightaway and called her on it."</p><p>With a hand on Loki's shoulder, Thor could feel the fine tremors in his body easily. This was still a raw wound, one perhaps that he wasn't working on in his therapy. There were so many troubles to discuss, Frigga's betrayal was a deep one that would take a lot of time to truly smooth over. If it even could. Loki could seethe with rage for centuries if allowed to. This world had people with shorter lifespans, however. They likely wouldn't let it simmer for so long.</p><p>Loki let out a slow breath. "I know the theory. It's not my strength in practice."</p><p>"Wanda's magic is wild and chaotic."</p><p>"Yes, chaos magic tends to be," Loki said dryly.</p><p>Thor grinned at him. Ah, there he was. His mercurial brother had his wit, so his intellect was still close to the surface and not so deeply buried beneath fear after all.</p><p>"A little chaos in the plans of Hydra would be a good thing, would it not?"</p><p>The grin on Loki's face would have sent lesser men screaming in fear from the room. "Whatever are you planning, brother?"</p><p>"I had vowed to protect this realm. They're tiny and most are powerless. Why don't we rid this realm of the villains that would create the Soldier and decimate the powerless?"</p><p>Loki responded with the crackle of green-gold magic beneath his skin. He likely ached to cast his spells and unleash his magic. Holding himself in so tightly only increased his tension.</p><p>Thor understood this; he enjoyed the rush of battle perhaps a little too much himself.</p><p>"Let us show those villains what true power is."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"What do you think of this plan to go after Hydra?" Steve asked Sam. They were naked, sprawled across his massive bed in his suite in Avengers Tower, sheets tangled around them and clothes strewn around the room.<p>"Man, I cannot believe your brain is on the job after that."</p><p>Steve turned to Sam and grinned at him, eyes dancing. "Yes, you can."</p><p>Sam rolled his eyes and smacked Steve in the arm. "Okay, I realize that was a dumb thing to say, you're always going to think kicking Hydra ass is a good idea."</p><p>"You don't?"</p><p>"I didn't say that," Sam said ruefully, shaking his head. "I was hoping for more than five minutes to bask in the afterglow, though."</p><p>Laughing out loud and bringing a hand to his chest from the force of it, Steve turned to his side to face Sam, a goofy grin on his face. "That was amazing. Don't think it wasn't."</p><p>"You called me God, Steve," Sam said with a wry smile as he pulled Steve closer. "I think it's safe to say I rocked your world."</p><p>Steve laughed again. "Am I going to regret saying this?"</p><p>"Hell, no." Sam sobered after a moment. "I think I know why you started thinking of Hydra, though. Because they want to stamp this out. They're basically Nazi assholes. So being gay, black and in love is going to make every last one of them pissed as hell."</p><p>"Yeah. I just found you, you know?" Steve ran his hand along Sam's arm. "I can't lose that."</p><p>"Over my dead body."</p><p>"That's what I'm afraid of."</p><p>Sam shifted to kiss him deeply. "I know. But you can't be afraid of it. Sometimes you lose even when you do everything right."</p><p>"Riley," Steve guessed.</p><p>"I was thinking Bucky, but yeah, that fits, too. All I could do was watch him fall. I couldn't do anything but lose him."</p><p>A shiver rolled through Steve, and he gave Sam a plaintive look. "I keep losing people."</p><p>"Unfortunately, I think it's a side effect of being a hero," Sam told him, gaze sober. "Sometimes we go where others can't follow. Sometimes they can, but only so far." He slid a hand behind Steve's neck. "I'll go as far as I can, as fast as I can. But I do what you do, only slower. I can't run with your stupid-ass speed," he said, squeezing Steve's neck, "but I can at least strap on a pair of wings before I jump out of a plane."</p><p>Steve laughed, pained and stressed. "You're a wise man, Sam."</p><p>"Yup. But like hell am I going to fall into the black trope where I die first, got it? I'm gonna take them all out and make them eat their squid heads."</p><p>Now Steve's laughter was brighter, and he pulled Sam in for a kiss. Bodies tangled together, Steve's ridiculous recovery time made Sam catch his breath. "Yeah, I'm definitely not as fast as you on that front, either."</p><p>"Then we go slow until you catch up," Steve murmured, eyes dancing with mischief as he shifted to straddle Sam. Hands splayed across Sam's chest, his wicked grin made Sam suck in a deep breath as desire shot through him again. "Let's see if I can make you call <i>me</i> God."</p><p>"My Mama didn't raise no quitter," Sam quipped, propping his hands behind his head and grinning up at this pinnacle of manhood. "If anything, I'm an overachiever."</p><p>"So am I."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Having an actual suite of rooms felt wrong somehow. Bucky deserved to be in a cell, and even the one with improvements was still a cell. The suite didn't lock from the outside, he had more than two sets of clothing and there was no obvious monitoring. This also meant that his therapy sessions would be in Dr. Tran's actual office, not in an outer part of his cell. He knew that he should be proud of this progression, that the others thought he was safe enough to talk without reinforced glass between them.<p>Bucky wasn't sure if he deserved this measure of trust. Maybe it was just fear of the worst case scenario, but he liked to think it was just prudent caution.</p><p>The common floor had an expansive kitchen with a central island and state of the art commercial grade appliances and tools. Beyond it was a large dining room, a chore chart set up on a massive whiteboard. Conference rooms, the gym, a large den, home theater, library and office spaces rounded out the floor. He could wander through the halls, trail his fleshy fingers along the spines of books, DVD's or CD's. Though he hadn't expected it, he found one of the CD's that Dr. Tran had mentioned he might like. Lips curled a bit, he slipped the CD into the player and sat down in one of the plush chairs to listen.</p><p>"Hey, Buck," Steve called from the doorway soon after the eerie chimes began in the first track.</p><p>Looking over his shoulder, Bucky couldn't help but smile. "Did you run here thinking I was in trouble or something?"</p><p>"Or something?" Steve said, sounding sheepish. He stepped inside the den and frowned a little at the CD player. "What are you listening to?"</p><p>"AFI," Bucky said, finding it inordinately pleasing that Steve had no idea what he was talking about. "I've been wearing a lot of black lately, and Dr. Tran said I should try listening to goth or emo music to match. Too many sad songs in goth music, though. Emo is still sad, but there's an anger to it that I can get behind, too."</p><p>Steve's smile turned sad as well. "You've got every reason for it, too."</p><p>"There's more than what she knows," Bucky told him with a graceless shrug. "But there's enough to work on at the moment anyway."</p><p>"I guess there is."</p><p>Silence descended as Steve sat down and didn't know what to say as the second track played; the first was incredibly short for all that it was catchy. He listened to the lyrics, and Bucky wondered what he was thinking. His emotions still played across his face too easily, but his thoughts had gotten more opaque over the years.</p><p>"There's gonna be a meeting before we head out to attack Hydra."</p><p>"Of course," Bucky sighed, closing his eyes as the third track began. It had a peppier beat, but he was sure it would be just emotionally dark as the others. "Of course there's gonna be a meeting. Where's the fight going to be?"</p><p>"I don't know exactly, but apparently diplomats are getting involved."</p><p>"Apparently..." Bucky echoed, then shook his head as the chorus kicked in. "So they'll have to know I exist. And they're not going to forgive the things that I've done."</p><p>Steve blew out a disappointed breath. "I won't let them have you, not when you're coming back to yourself."</p><p>"I don't think it's your choice, Steve," Bucky sighed. "There was a lot of harm I did, and I'm going to have to pay for it."</p><p>"But it wasn't <i>your</i> choice. And the world knows about Hydra now."</p><p>"This planet believes in weregild," Loki offered from the doorway.</p><p>Bucky and Steve looked toward him, and Steve looked fairly guilty. "Weregild?" Bucky asked him, eyebrow raised.</p><p>"The debt you owe in reparation for crimes committed. In my own case, eighty-seven lives in Stuttgart, Germany, seventy-four in New York City, plus whoever else died indirectly from the fallen debris or dead Chitauri's final collapse."</p><p>Both humans stared at him. "You keep track," Bucky said softly. He got up and turned off the CD. "Does that help?"</p><p>"It helps the mortals more than it helps me," Loki said with a shrug.</p><p>"And you? What does it tell you?" Bucky asked.</p><p>"How much I owe them," Loki said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorjamb. "Even now, there's still quite a bit I owe."</p><p>"And it's working out with SHIELD?" Steve asked, eyebrow raised.</p><p>"I suppose. I have Shannon, at least."</p><p>"I like her, too," Bucky said slowly. "I guess you coming here means they have their meeting now," he murmured.</p><p>Loki nodded, appearing bored. "It's of some import, though they didn't tell me what for."</p><p>"That's frustrating," Steve commented, and he ignored Loki's sour look in his direction. Even Bucky knew that it sounded patronizing. The hard part was, Steve was so damned earnest, and he really was trying to commiserate with him.</p><p>Bucky didn't know why he had to tag along, though Loki mentioned they were heading to Conference Room B. "Why not A?"</p><p>"Stark has equipment in it," Loki shrugged.</p><p>His stomach bottomed out; that had to mean upgrades to his arm, tracking devices, <i>something</i> high tech that would be used to tag him. Tony might've been willing to let him hunt Hydra, but that didn't mean the man trusted him. The others probably shouldn't, either. Dr. Tran would say that was defeatist talk, but Dr. Tran wasn't here.</p><p>He didn't know everyone in the room, though he noted Loki scowling at the tall black woman with dreads pulled back into a ponytail. She had gold eyeshadow and deep plum colored lipstick on, as well as regular jeans, shirt and jacket. Bucky didn't think she looked mean or threatening, but knew full well that looks could be deceiving.</p><p>A shorter white woman with short, dark hair and a SHIELD issue tablet nodded at them as they filed into the conference room. Clint and Natasha were already seated, tablets of their own in front of them. Bruce, Tony and Sam were also seated at the conference table. Wanda and Pietro sat across from the SHIELD officer. A muscular blond man was seated across from Bruce, next to the black woman, and he beamed as soon as he saw Loki. "Brother!" he boomed. "You didn't tell me you were working with a Valkyrie!"</p><p>Loki still scowled at the woman. "Agent O'Keefe," he said shortly.</p><p>The tone didn't bother her, and she inclined her head. Loki managed to maneuver himself so that he couldn't sit next to her, and Bucky sighed as he grabbed the chair. Steve of course sat next to him, and that left Loki closest to the woman in charge.</p><p>"Thank you," the woman said. "I know you're all interested in finding remaining Hydra agents and rooting them out, but there are logistics we need to take care of before you do that."</p><p>Tony rolled his eyes. "C'mon, I had that handled..."</p><p>"No, you had stealth tech on your jets. That's not having a diplomatic meeting with other countries that might see you as an invading force."</p><p>Bucky sat up a little straighter, especially when the woman's gaze turned toward him. "Then there's also the question of his legality."</p><p>"Maria," Natasha began. She stilled when the woman looked at her sharply, then inclined her head and tried again. "Director Hill."</p><p>Director Maria Hill of SHIELD. Dear God, Bucky felt ill. Her name was one of the ones that he would've been sent after if he had succeeded in killing Steve.</p><p>Hill raised a hand. "We're not going to argue whether or not the therapy I don't officially know about is working or not. Sergeant Barnes is sitting here calmly enough, I can see that Shannon is making an impact. The legality I'm talking about is going to be the requisite Senate hearing that we all know they're going on insist on once we go public that the Winter Soldier is still alive. If you plan on having him work with you—"</p><p>"He's earned that right," Tony said at the same time Steve sputtered "Of course we are!"</p><p>"—then we're going to make sure this is above board and beyond suspicion. Because as it is, a team of powered and skilled people working as an extranational group going into foreign countries to take down an international network of spies and assassins is a hard sell."</p><p>"They want me to pay," Bucky said, heart sinking.</p><p>"This is how you do it, Buck," Steve insisted.</p><p>Clearing her throat to get Steve's attention, Hill looked at each person in turn. "You are going to have to pick someone to be the face of this group. Someone has to handle the diplomatic aspects, as if you're your own small country."</p><p>"Oh, for God's sake," Tony sputtered.</p><p>"Your personal income is the same as some national GDP's," Hill said dryly. "We all know you're the one bankrolling the Avengers and this complex."</p><p>"I can afford it," he said defensively.</p><p>"Yes, you can. But I'm pointing out the optics. We can't ignore it, especially now. This has to be above board and beyond reproach, or there's going to be concern that we're simply recreating Hydra all over again."</p><p>Sam shot Steve a look that clearly told him to shut up before he even opened his mouth. Bucky liked that about him already.</p><p>"So to get ahead of the inevitable outcry, SHIELD will have to reveal that we've had you in our custody following the Triskelion debacle. We've been extracting intelligence and clearing out Hydra triggers." When Steve opened his mouth again, Hill shot him a stern look. "Dr. Tran is still a SHIELD employee, even if her notes are contained in this building. Time stamps will be important, and she's been working with him from the ground up."</p><p>"I'm not trying to hurt anybody," Bucky said in a small voice.</p><p>Hill's expression softened as she looked at him. For a startling moment, her demeanor reminded him of Peggy Carter. Stern when she needed to be and could pack a punch, but still was able to get to the heart of the matter.</p><p>"I realize that. We're going to push that angle, especially in light of Hydra files, video and notes that are in our possession. You're a POW, Sergeant." Her gaze slid over to Loki. "SHIELD has a track record of rehabilitating those capable of war crimes—"</p><p>Loki bristled and one of his hands curled into a fist on the table. Hill didn't seem to be terribly bothered by that, which Bucky found more impressive of her.</p><p>"—so we've established precedent. There will be supervision of the therapy progress, and it's clear that you're going to be mentored by Avengers. That should keep public opinion in check where you're concerned. But the entire group of you should have some kind of public relations person for when things inevitably go south."</p><p>Thor perked up. "Jane's friend Darcy Lewis was studying your political styles. She is close to finishing her master's degree." At the others looking at him in surprise, he smiled. "I speak with Jane often, and she has a paid job in Jane's lab to help pay for her classes."</p><p>"We have a background check already done on our end," Hill said, nodding. "That could work."</p><p>"Darcy is quite witty on social media," Thor continued with a fond cast to his smile. "She could do similar for us."</p><p>Hill looked at Bucky. "Before you figure out the logistics of that or your next Hydra raid, we'll need to present Sergeant Barnes to Capitol Hill."</p><p>He pasted a sickly smile on his face. "I'm ready," he lied.</p><p>No one called him on it.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>
***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Being Human</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The group approaching Capitol Hill were Natasha, Clint, Shannon and Bucky. Steve and Sam had been left behind deliberately, because there was no way that Steve could keep his cool if someone maligned Bucky, US Senator or not. An armed guard followed through the halls, and Bucky was only too aware of their presence. Some part of his mind catalogued all of the weapons they carried, the exits, the additional bodies that could be used as shields. While he could try to say it was Winter or the Asset or whatever he wanted to name that other side of himself, he knew that there was no way could <i>not</i> see it. Even before he had been captured and turned into the Winter Soldier, he had been aware of sight lines and avenues of escape in the war.</p><p>Director Hill was already in front of the Senate discussing the fall of the Triskelion. This was the third or fourth time she had gone through it, and Bucky could see the tension and irritability in her posture. Some of the Senators seemed to enjoy needling her, and he didn't doubt that they would go after him in the same way.</p><p>Most of the lead ins before Bucky was called to address the senators was a blur. He hadn't wanted to actually pay attention and solidify that this was real. He was already on high enough alert, knowing that this entire process was potentially a threat.</p><p>It didn't matter to him which senator started the questioning. Everyone wanted to know the same thing: how much was actually under his control. Data presented by Natasha and Clint from the SHIELD and Hydra databases were laid out, and video of the Chair and the drugs and the beatings made him feel sick. There were some gasps at Pierce slapping him when he sat there helpless, his mind a painful blank when he tried to piece things together. "The man on the bridge. I knew him," Bucky heard himself say. The voice on the surveillance video was lost and alone, a relative child with no agency.</p><p>He didn't feel real. Shannon testified about him, about the treatment, about the ramifications of their work together. She included her stunt when she passed through the protection barrier, calling it a calculated move instead of a dumbass one. Bucky wanted to stand up and say that they should all be afraid of him, he was capable of so much, that he didn't even know what he was going to do next.</p><p>Doing that would sentence him to life in prison, and thanks to Zola's serum, he had no idea how long that lifetime would be.</p><p>The world still didn't feel real when he sat down at the little desk, microphone poised near his mouth. He was wearing a suit and had let Natasha trim his hair and comb it neatly. He had let Clint hold his hand and tell him that they would take care of him. He wanted to believe it so badly, and part of him was terrified that he was dreaming all of this.</p><p>Words dribbled out of his mouth. Questions were asked, and he answered as best as he could, but had no idea what he was actually saying. He was the gun, going where Hydra pointed him and only pulling the trigger at their request. He remembered everything. Every face, every scream, every plead for mercy that he hadn't been allowed to give. He remembered every slap he took, every beating, the drugs and shock therapies, the abuse he refused to elaborate on, the terror of being on ice with the dreams sliding through the fragments of his memory.</p><p>Some of the stoic senators looked nauseated or reduced to tears, but that gave him no satisfaction. It was his life since Zola got him. That had been his reality, to the point that his life as Bucky Barnes was no more than a dream, and those faded the more that he had been pumped full of drugs and zapped with ever increasing doses of electricity.</p><p>The term <i>brain damage</i> was bandied about, but he didn't know what to make of it. Higher voltage and higher drug doses blurred things too much, creating a haze that was difficult to go through. He dissociated, he didn't feel real, he didn't trust his own judgment sometimes. Steve was real, but idealistic. Even the senators knew that. It was hard to miss when Steve obviously was willing to risk destroying national security to save him.</p><p>He was numb and some of the senators with military experience showed pity. This wasn't why he was doing this. He wanted justice. He wanted truth. He wanted people to know Hydra for what they were, and to come out from under their toxic influence.</p><p>"You propose killing them," one of the senators said.</p><p>Bucky looked up with a dead eyed stare, his chest a gaping hole and his mind blank. "If not for how I was experimented on, I wouldn't be here. But they killed me dozens of times and brought me back. I want to return the favor."</p><p><i>It's only fair,</i> he wanted to say. <i>What happened to me wasn't fair. I wasn't much more than a kid. I didn't even get time to truly live...</i></p><p>"Breathe," Shannon reminded him, voice sharp. She'd said it a few times over the course of his testimony, and it felt like years. This time he looked up at her, eyes shining with unshed tears on his behalf. Her heart was too kind. How could she still think the best of people after working with a monster like him? How could she humanize Loki and now the Winter Soldier? She'd deny it, but that had to earn her sainthood somewhere.</p><p>He was a ghost. He was alone. He had to face the consequences of his actions.</p><p>"How much of Sergeant Barnes is left after Hydra's treatment of you?" one senator said, the obsequious lilt of his voice grating on his ears.</p><p>Wait. That lilt was familiar.</p><p>Equipment banks and rows of vials, drips and equipment to monitor his vital signs. The Chair, its quiet menace making him sick. He'd just killed someone, but at this moment he couldn't remember who it was. That voice was in the room, looking around at the monitors, syringes, vials and white jacketed scientists that were controlling the dosages. Bucky had done something at his behest, and he didn't want it known.</p><p>Bucky looked up, lips parted. "You were there when they wiped me," he blurted, frowning. "I know your voice. You asked something like that before. I killed someone for you, and you wanted to make sure there was nothing left."</p><p>The Senate floor erupted into chaos, and he could feel amusement radiating off Natasha and Clint. Of course they'd find this funny, the ghouls. If he wasn't so nauseated, he might find it funny as well. Right now, he wanted to hide in a bathroom and vomit until even bile couldn't come up and then curl up on cold tile and cry.</p><p>Everyone was escorted out of the building by Director Hill. That was a blur, and Bucky could only recall the solid presence of everyone literally forming a wall around him as they moved to a different part of the building. The Senate floor was in recess, and that Senator had been escorted from the session by armed guards, maybe even the same ones that had followed Bucky.</p><p>He curled up into a loose fetal ball on a couch, his head pillowed on Natasha's lap. She stroked his hair, murmuring in Russian the little endearments they used to give each other back in the Red Room. Clint was nearby, keeping still as Shannon paced with jerky steps. Hill was sending messages via her tablet, expression grim.</p><p>Ultimately, they were all released from Capitol Hill. He wasn't in chains, he wasn't being vilified as the personification of nightmares. Shannon Tran was going to remain his therapist, Natasha and Clint would monitor his progress. He could mentally slot them into place as his handlers, but they wouldn't be cruel or abusive. If anything, the three of them were overly solicitous of his mental and physical wellbeing.</p><p>Conspiracy theorists online would go buck wild, and there would be those who thought that he should be locked up on the Raft along with Pierce. Family members of those he'd killed might want their pound of flesh still, or they might consider it paid in full by the abuse he'd suffered since the end of World War II.</p><p>Bucky was free of legal ramifications, but not from the ties that bound up his mind.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"There's a lot of things we'll have to unpack about the Capitol Hill testimony," Shannon began during the next session she had with Bucky. She could tell he wasn't used to her office yet, but they'd only had three sessions in it before the trip to Washington.<p>"I'm not ready yet," he murmured, not meeting her eyes.</p><p>"Are you uncomfortable with me seeing some of the security footage?"</p><p>"You knew what they did."</p><p>"Seeing is different, though. The files are public record now."</p><p>"Everybody knows," he said, voice so soft she could barely hear him. "You might as well."</p><p>"We'll make a list," Shannon assured him, picking up her pen. "Because there's so much going on now, and then there's bound to be issues from the Hydra raids."</p><p>She watched him rub his face tiredly. "I'm not ready for this."</p><p>"We'll go slowly."</p><p>"No, I mean... facing Hydra. Being seen as a person. Just <i>being."</i></p><p>"It was easier when you didn't have to make decisions," Shannon murmured. "But life isn't like that. You have to make decisions every day. Some big ones, some little ones."</p><p>"Right now, I don't want to make any. I don't want to feel time passing and feel like I have to do something with it. Like every moment of every day, I have to fill that time with something to justify my existence."</p><p>"It's enough that you exist," Shannon said softly. "You don't have to justify anything. If we go by the year you were born, you're definitely retired, and retired people relax." Bucky didn't rise to the bait, so she leaned back in her chair and contemplated him. "Then we're going to work on those thoughts of justifying your existence."</p><p>"That's what people do," he insisted, shaking his head. "You can't be a burden. You have to prove it every day. Ask Steve."</p><p>"Those are 1940's standards," Shannon said, voice gentle as she understood. Her understanding of the time period was sketchy, so she'd have to read up on it. Great, more homework. "Things are a little bit different now."</p><p>Bucky looked up, misery in his eyes. "Some things never change, and they probably shouldn't. Maybe this was all a mistake, thinking I can leave the past behind."</p><p>"Is that what you think this is?"</p><p>"Isn't it?" he asked, startled.</p><p>"No. Our work is to help you cope with the trauma so you can move forward. The past happened, and there's no way to erase that. We're trying to make it so that when you remember, it doesn't hurt you as badly."</p><p>He chewed on his lower lip, mulling over the words. "I thought you wanted to get rid of it, like it's gone, like it never happened."</p><p>"As tempting as that might be when you're remembering the awful shit they did to you, it's the wrong tactic to take. Erasing things from your mind means you never learn from it. You don't master the situation. You don't get to move on and know that it can't hurt you ever again."</p><p>"My mind can still hurt me."</p><p>Shannon nodded solemnly. "But not Hydra anymore. Your memories hurt, your dreams hurt, your flashbacks hurt. But you're not giving permission for any remaining Hydra agents to hurt you, are you?"</p><p>"Fuck, no."</p><p>"And the point is that you can say that to your memories, too."</p><p>"That..." He paused and started again. "It feels different in my head to hear that," he admitted, shoulders slumping. "So was I not paying attention?"</p><p>"Sometimes we hear what we need to. Or what we think we need to. I think leading up to the Capital Hill testimony, you were hoping we could erase the past and you'd start over. But seeing that it's impossible is wrecking you a little."</p><p>"A little?" he huffed.</p><p>"Yeah. Just a little. Because you're still in control, and you're not lashing out."</p><p>Bucky paused and mulled it over. "It wouldn't change anything for them if I punched the walls. If I did that, I'd probably get locked up in a cell again. No point."</p><p>"I think you're justifying that in your head right now. I think that violence isn't the first thing you go to when you're in distress. I think it's an option for you, like it would be for anybody, but it's not your first option."</p><p>"Because of the old Bucky?"</p><p>"Because of the <i>current</i> Bucky," Shannon clarified, letting a proud smile show on her face, even though he was still looking down at his twisted fingers in his lap. He'd see it out of his peripheral vision anyway. "You're reasoning through things, and you tend to have a lot of negative cognitions and attributions. We can work on those."</p><p>He groaned and looked up at her. "Why are you always so fucking positive?"</p><p>Shannon couldn't help but grin at him, lips twitching. She'd gone through so many iterations of that with Loki, it was too familiar. "Well, one of us has to be. Since it's not you right now, it'll have to be me. Once you can see yourself in a more positive light, I promise I will throw some statements out there to down you."</p><p>Bucky snorted and shook his head. "The future is strange."</p><p>"And will probably get a lot stranger," Shannon agreed with a sad smile.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Darcy was a brunette woman with glasses and an easygoing demeanor that matched her casual clothes. Jane had lighter hair and lit up with an incandescent glow when she saw Thor. The Asgardian was just as besotted, picking her up and swinging her around a bit. Loki wasn't there, but was in California with Agent O'Keefe; Bucky was sure that he would roll his eyes and sulk a bit in a move that reminded him of his little sisters.<p>He was remembering more about them now, and the memories still carried sharp edges. His sisters had died thinking he was a hero, and his one remaining sister was old and had dementia. Bucky was probably being a coward, but he didn't want to know what his sister would think of him now. He wasn't a hero after all. He was a brainwashed assassin, kept under lock and key for everyone's good. Maybe that was a little too much, but he couldn't help but feel that way despite therapy. Natasha and Clint weren't afraid of him, and he knew they were capable enough to take him out if they had to.</p><p>That thought was far more comforting than it should've been.</p><p>Thor, Jane and Darcy were making the rounds of greetings and social niceties to catch up, so Bucky hung back. Sam and Steve hadn't met her before, and she was clearly excited to meet them. Natasha and Clint were together, part of the polite conversation.</p><p>Natasha crept up beside him before he could even know she was there. Looping an arm through his, she had a sad smile on her face. "You're not allowed to hang back today," she said, her voice wrapping around his heart like a vise. "We're all meeting her, and you've got to say something so she has an idea of who you are."</p><p>"But I don't even know who that is," he complained.</p><p>She smiled, eyes lighting up with a wicked mirth that brought memories. Some of those were far too erotic for current company. "I'll guide you through it, promise."</p><p>"It's okay," Darcy said, seeing his uncomfortable position as they approached. "I don't bite, and I'm not going to tweet anything nasty." There was something in her smile that was disarming, but he didn't trust that just yet. "I see now why they want a PR team. Though honestly, you probably want an entire team, not just me."</p><p>"I have a feeling you'll be fine," Tony murmured.</p><p>"On that vote of confidence," Darcy began, shifting the soda can in her hands. She stuck out her hand for Bucky to shake. "Darcy Lewis. This is apparently an official meeting and unofficial interview, considering that I was hired sight unseen."</p><p>"You came highly recommended," Tony assured her.</p><p>"I should probably complain about that," Darcy said, dipping her head slightly, "but my student loans thank you for the steady income and awesome benefits." When she realized that Bucky still hadn't shaken her hand, she reached out and grabbed his before giving it a firm shake and letting go. "Shy or traumatized? Or both?"</p><p>"Both," Bucky sighed.</p><p>"Huh, okay."</p><p>He frowned at her. "Okay?"</p><p>"That was the vibe I got watching C-SPAN, but sometimes you can't tell how people really are until you're up close and personal." She grinned and nodded in Thor and Jane's direction. "They'd say I'm far too blunt, but I think that'll be okay with you."</p><p>Bucky nodded in relief. "Yes, please. I'd like <i>some</i> honesty."</p><p>"Okay. So honesty it is." She took a swig of her soda and then leaned in closer in a conspiratorial manner. Bucky mirrored the move, concern on his features. "I like being online, so it absolutely doesn't hurt my feelings if you'd rather text back and forth rather than talk in person."</p><p>"I need to practice being a person. My therapist said so."</p><p>Darcy mulled over the words. "That is an awful string of words together," she said finally. "It would be my honor to help you be a person and stick it to Hydra."</p><p>He smiled faintly. "Yeah, I guess. I'm kinda a mess upstairs, though."</p><p>"I'll tell you a secret. So's everybody else."</p><p>Bucky shook his head, unable to keep himself from smiling at Darcy. She took it as denial, however, so she nodded earnestly at him. "No, really. Everybody's got issues, it's a question of whether or not it's big enough to really mess with you. Right now you have epic sized ones, and coming clean about them all is bound to leave you feeling weird."</p><p>"That's an understatement," he muttered.</p><p>"So, in the interest of helping your therapy along," Darcy continued, grinning at him, "what is one of the things that Hydra would've denied you?"</p><p>He stared at her. "What?"</p><p>"Something nice that Hydra would've taken away."</p><p>It was startling that she said the word <i>Hydra</i> without fear, looked him in the eye without thinking he would snap and kill her, and wasn't screaming at the night of him.</p><p>"I like the showers I'm allowed in the Tower," he admitted after some thought. "Much better than being hosed down in a tiled room."</p><p>Her features stilled for a fraction of a second. Bucky could tell he'd startled her, and she didn't know how to respond. "Well, then," Darcy mused finally. She nodded firmly at him, as if she had made up her mind and woe to the Hydra that were in hiding all over the world. Her smile was only slightly strained as she looked at him. "We're going to go shopping for some really nice bath gels, and then some lotion. I'm guessing your skin is a mess."</p><p>"Lots of scarring," he agreed.</p><p>"Okay. Skin care I can totally do, and after this party we're going to shop."</p><p>He blinked at her. "But... You really think it's a good idea?"</p><p>"Dude, we're going to fix that mess those assholes made, right?"</p><p>Bucky smiled. "Right."</p><p>"If those shit stains couldn't even let you do something so simple as shower, we're going to make it a fantastic experience now. And hey, not just showers. You're going to have bubble baths and lots of fizzy bath bombs. I've got social media accounts to fill, and buddy, we're going to fill it up and show the world how human you are."</p><p>For a moment, his stomach curdled. The world. Yes, that was fine when it was an abstract concept, but so many eyes staring at him and judging him, thinking he should be punished and locked away again...</p><p>"But—"</p><p>"Nope," Natasha said, her grin almost as wide as Darcy's. "This is a wonderful plan." Now he felt bad, he'd forgotten she was at his side.</p><p>"Yup. Ordinary human with the assassin in the middle of Bath and Body Works. I love it."</p><p>Bucky sighed. "I think I saw a commercial for that place."</p><p>Darcy's grin grew wider. "And make faces if you think the trip is a waste of time."</p><p>"I can already tell you it's going to be."</p><p>"I mean funny faces for the camera."</p><p>He crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at her the way he used to do for Rebecca when they were little. She was quick to snap a photo, and he relaxed his features. "Like that?"</p><p>"Yup," she said brightly, waving her phone at him. "Let the eggheads do their international diplomacy thing with paperwork, this is something I know all too well."</p><p>"I thought you were supposed to be doing the diplomacy thing," Natasha said.</p><p>She waved a hand dismissively. "Yes, but let's be honest here. This is where I'll do the most good right now, because I'm not a known diplomat."</p><p>Apparently her voice carried, because Maria Hill looked over from where she was speaking to Bruce and two agents that had come with her. "Don't worry about that, Miss Lewis, we'll fix that and get you diplomatic immunity."</p><p>That clearly gave Darcy pause, and Bucky felt for her. They were both being thrust into a much bigger arena than they were prepared for.</p><p>Darcy recovered first. "Awesome. I promise not to break international law. Much."</p><p>Maria rolled her eyes and managed not to laugh, but Natasha and Bucky didn't have the same compunctions. They laughed, making Darcy grin. "So... bath stuff after this party. Anything else you'd like to explore?"</p><p>Bucky thought about it, and then looked down at his hands before looking up at Darcy's earnest expression. He needed to be a human. More importantly, he <i>wanted</i> to be human. Darcy wasn't afraid of him or his past. She was offering to help him, and the first hint at the trauma that he carried hadn't led to patronizing him or infantilizing him. Instead, she wanted to help him make better memories.</p><p>"Is it sad that I want to try grocery shopping? It'll be such a different experience than it was in the 40's."</p><p>She lit up. "Oh boy, I'm so making a YouTube account for you."</p><p>"What? Why?" he asked, startled.</p><p>"Compare modern day to WWII era stuff, and you'll have tons of followers."</p><p>"That'll be a good thing why?"</p><p>"Because then you can get your personality across, and that's what we want. You wanna learn to be human, and I can show that off to the world."</p><p>Bucky took a deep breath. "Okay. Take care of me with it?"</p><p>Darcy took his other arm and patted it, amazing him that she didn't seem to care it was the metal one. "Of course I will. And not just 'cause it's my job, but because you asked me nicely."</p><p>Natasha looked at him with pride. He remembered that look, as well as the love she still carried for him. Hydra and the Red Room had tried to stop her, too, and she'd survived. Not only that, she thrived with these people.</p><p>These women would help him do the same. Sam and Steve would as well. Hell, even the Asgardians and the others in the Tower wouldn't allow him to mope for long. In spite of his own misgivings, they would drag him out of the shadows and make sure he was himself again.</p><p>Maybe this wasn't a terrible idea after all.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Memories of the Future</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve found the twins playing video games in the common area, and was a little startled to see that it was a violent war game. "That doesn't bring back any bad memories?" he blurted, before realizing he probably should've kept his mouth shut.</p><p>Pietro paused the game and looked over at him. "No, why?" </p><p>Wanda looked at Steve's abashed expression. It looked like something just occurred to her, and her eyes widened. "This is why you didn't want us going to the meeting about fighting Hydra agents, isn't it?" She put down the controller and pointed an accusatory finger at Steve. "You think we're so traumatized that we can't fight."</p><p>"Not that you can't, but it's not fair to you guys. You're just kids. You should be doing kid things, not just fighting."</p><p>The words clearly irritated Pietro, who glowered at him. "We're adults, even by this country's standards. We got our diplomas and are applying to colleges in the city."</p><p>He hadn't known that, and opened his mouth in surprise. "Oh."</p><p>"I think NYU and Columbia are interested," Wanda pointed out. "And even if they weren't, or we aren't accepted, then there are still CUNY schools to take classes."</p><p>"Stark's paying the bill out of guilt," Pietro added. "We're definitely doing <i>something."</i></p><p>Steve knew he stepped in it then, and let his mouth snap shut. He ran a hand through his hair and heaved a sigh. "Sorry. It's just... You're so young, you know? This shouldn't be your fight. You should have friends and go to parties or whatever else kids do."</p><p>"Are you trying to be the team father or something?" Pietro asked.</p><p>Shrugging, Steve didn't know what to say. "Um... Not really?" He came into the room and plopped down on a chair nearby. "I guess I don't want you to regret staying here with us. Being a superhero isn't always fun and games, and I don't want you hurt."</p><p>Wanda let her magic curl around her fingers. "I think someone else would get hurt."</p><p>Steve grimaced and nodded. "Yeah, probably. But so could you. We'd probably be killing Hydra agents if they won't let us capture them. It's a lot to have to live through."</p><p>"But you did it," Pietro said.</p><p>"Yeah. And that's exactly why I wouldn't want you to go through it if you don't have to."</p><p>"They tried to capture us. <i>Our friend</i> who wasn't our friend tried to do it," Wanda said, magic blinking out of existence. "Even if it's true that they threatened her family, she still wouldn't have thought twice about hurting us."</p><p>Steve nodded, a solemn expression on his face. "There's so much hurt, and I just don't want it to hurt you more."</p><p>"We're not babies," Pietro groused.</p><p>Putting a hand on his arm, Wanda sharply shook her head. "I thank you for the concern in that, but we're all right. Fighting them means we're not passive. It means we won't let them harm us ever again. It tells them no, they can't have us."</p><p>Blowing out a breath, Steve nodded again. "Okay. I get that, then." He offered them a smile as Darcy entered the room. "I promise I'll try not to be Team Dad too much."</p><p>"Hey, what'd I miss?" Darcy asked, moving to sit next to Pietro.</p><p>"He's trying to be the Team Dad," Pietro said, giving Steve a smug look as Wanda giggled.</p><p>"Not on purpose!" Steve cried, throwing up his hands.</p><p>"I suppose by default that would mean Natasha is the Team Mom?" Darcy asked.</p><p>"Nah. Maybe Shannon, she does all the feelings stuff," Pietro said, shaking his head. "But, if you're the official Team Dad, then that means Sam is our other Team Dad, right?"</p><p>Steve sputtered and flushed in embarrassment as the twins laughed at him. Darcy just looked at him. "Okay, I missed a lot."</p><p>"Sam and I are a thing," Steve told her.</p><p>"It's serious," Wanda crooned, a big grin on her face. "Super serious."</p><p>Darcy brightened. "Congratulations!" she said, grinning. Her smile froze for a moment. "Though, it's not public knowledge, is it?" When Steve shook his head, she gave him a considering look. "Do you want it to be? That might mean some countries won't want you to visit or get rid of Hydra in their borders." At his blank look, she sighed. "There are countries where homosexuality isn't just illegal, it's punishable by imprisonment or death."</p><p>"Do they count bisexuality in that?" Steve asked, already figuring he knew the answer before Darcy shook her head. "Well, is that going to be a big deal for the Avengers?"</p><p>"I really don't know. I think it really depends on how much you want to push it, to be honest. It's a big deal in some places, and knowing Captain America is bisexual..." Darcy grinned. "I think it's awesome rep and fantastic news. But not my story to tell. I won't out you or anything, I can just make a list of countries or even states where it wouldn't be a good idea to broadcast your sexuality so it's won't be a thing." Darcy paused. "Unless you want to <i>make</i> it a thing, and push those countries into accepting it."</p><p>Steve sighed. "I don't get to have a quiet relationship, do I?"</p><p>"You're a superhero. People love to gossip about celebrities."</p><p>He remembered full well the newsreels of the 40's, the radio shows and how much people talked about Hollywood stars and Broadway names. It would be like going on the USO tour again, becoming a symbol of something else bigger than him.</p><p>But if people were <i>dying</i> out there because of some part of themselves others didn't like, that couldn't remain in place. He still hated bullies of all kinds.</p><p>"I'm okay with it being mentioned about me. We'd have to ask Sam if he's comfortable being out as gay for an international audience." Steve grimaced. "It's never fun to have that many fingers pointing at you, even if you have support behind you."</p><p>"I wouldn't do a huge announcement unless you wanted that. But that means I can be coy about pronouns online or just drop that you're with a guy <i>now</i> and used to be with Peggy Carter. There's going to be gossip either way."</p><p>Pietro and Wanda were watching him. He didn't know who their romantic interests might be and he honestly didn't care. It was none of his business, but if they were gay or bisexual, this was probably a crucial moment for them. "What do you think?" he asked. "Because people are cruel, and they might pick on you, too."</p><p>"We can tell them to go fuck themselves," Pietro said proudly.</p><p>"Pietro!" Wanda chided.</p><p>"What? Steve's our friend and looks out for us when he doesn't have to. Of course we'd have his back on this. That kind of hate is stupid, and exactly what we want to get rid of Hydra for." He thought over what he said. "That made no sense in English, did it?"</p><p>That broke the tension as the others laughed. "We can figure out what you meant, don't worry," Darcy said with a grin. "And we have time to figure it out anyway, no rush." She smacked Pietro lightly on the arm. "Now, I'm guessing you didn't actually finish your game? So we don't know who the winner is?"</p><p>"You were going to play?" Steve asked, surprised she'd care. She was older than the twins, and didn't think she'd have much in common with them.</p><p>"Well, sure. Keeps me practicing for when I next go up against Erik or Ian. I have a high score to protect, you know."</p><p>Steve grinned. "Mind if I watch?"</p><p>Darcy laughed and fixed him with a mock leer. "Ooh, who knew Captain America was kinky?"</p><p>"I'm ninety-five, not dead," he told her with a grin.</p><p>If anything, her eyes sparkled with amusement at the words and she practically bounced in her seat. "Oh my God, this is the best job ever."</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Bucky stared at the armory, heart in his throat. He remembered similar arrays of pistols and rifles in storage rooms throughout the decades, drawers stuffed with money and false passports. His handlers would take too much from Hydra's coffers, lining their pockets and then blaming it on his antics when he did absolutely nothing of the sort. That didn't matter to the ones in charge, who considered him little more than a mindless robot. He was hosed down, strapped down, pinned up against a wall, beaten or drugged to the gills.<p>His hands were shaking. Why would they shake?</p><p>He stared at his hands, and they didn't feel like his own. His body didn't feel like his own. Breath too fast, too shallow, too loud. A buzzing in his ears, the whine of electricity, footfalls down the hall headed in his direction. He'd get hurt. He'd hurt someone. He'd be drugged. He'd be put in the Chair. He'd be belittled and buckled in or frozen.</p><p>It would burn and burn and burn and burn and—</p><p>A hand on his shoulder. He spun around, flesh right arm coming up in an attacking blow. His eyes were wide, breathing shallow through a gaping mouth and his chest hurt. That burn, the drugs flushing through, and he would see things, and hear things, and he wouldn't know what was real anymore, and his body wouldn't be his anymore, and—</p><p>The flash of red was new, but it wasn't enough to shake him. Green eyes, red hair, and a gold arrow necklace at her throat. She threw a punch at his head that snapped it back, shaking him; none of the handlers would ever dare such a thing when he was in this state. They'd wait for the drugs first, for the poor scientists to be batted around like paper dolls, crumpled and broken at his feet until the drugs kicked in and made him slow and loopy. Then they'd come in with their fists and their weapons, beating him down, a dozen to one, shouting and trying to get him broken again before they could contain him.</p><p>"I won't go in the Chair!" he screeched as his head snapped back.</p><p>She punched him in the jaw, a strong blow that was followed by a heel palm to the solar plexus. He wasn't wearing body armor, and the blow stole his breath with a viciousness he couldn't recall before. He swung, almost blind, and then she kicked at the side of his knee. That was easy to ignore, and now the two traded punches and hook shots. She went for his head, throat and torso, and he just tried to connect when she was fast and small and aiming to hurt. He was, too, but there was something familiar enough cutting through the panic.</p><p>He knew her. She had never hurt him before. She wasn't like his past handlers.</p><p>Bucky panted, still moving forward, trying to corner her against the wall. She ducked a punch that might've collapsed a temple if it was at full force, back arching until she could touch the floor. Her legs snapped up in a perfect, graceful arc, and the toes of her shoes connected with his chin. Before she completed the move, she twisted her hips and the other foot crashed down on his flesh shoulder hard enough to sting the nerves and render that arm useless for a moment. And as he tried to draw a breath, she completed her flip, landing on her feet. She punched forward, a perfect boxer's punch that was far too familiar, and it caught him in the throat. As he gasped for air, a thread of recognition slowing him down, she punched again. This time it was his chest, then she grabbed the back of his head and pulled it down toward the knee she thrust up. His chin connected with the bone of her kneecap, and he saw stars.</p><p>"There is no Chair," she said coolly as he fell to the floor. "You're here, James. With me. I won't let them ever get to you again."</p><p>Looking up as the words penetrated, tears formed. "Natalia?"</p><p>She nodded, a sad and strained smile curling the corner of her lips as she squatted down beside him. "We're going to have to get medication for your panic attacks, aren't we?" she reached out and stroked his cheek, brushing his hair away.</p><p>"You were pulling your punches back in the Red Room," he said, ignoring the comment about medication. Shannon Tran couldn't prescribe medication, and the thought of drugs made his spine itch with panic.</p><p>"Of course I was," she replied, going along with his change in topic. She stroked his face, and he caught her hand with his to press it in closer. "It wouldn't do to let my handlers know how good I really was, not when we were going to try to get out."</p><p>"What happened?" he asked, keeping her hand pressed to his face as he sat up slowly. The panic was easing out of his chest. Her honey coated voice and kind eyes were real. The red of her hair was impossible to fake. This wasn't a dream. This wasn't a cruel projection his mind was feeding him while he was frozen in place.</p><p>"You disappeared. Some in the program said you were dead."</p><p>"Frozen, I think."</p><p>She nodded, lips trembling. "I found that out later when I went looking for you. Even a whisper of you would've been good to hear. But there was nothing. You were a ghost story."</p><p>"But the Red Room?"</p><p>"I destroyed it on my way out."</p><p>Bucky blinked in surprise, but he didn't doubt her in the slightest. "The other girls?"</p><p>"I don't know. They probably died, too. All the handlers did for sure."</p><p>"You didn't look for them?"</p><p>Natasha looked down and then pressed her other palm against his chest. "I couldn't."</p><p>He shifted so that both of her hands were pressed against him. She could easily pull away if she wanted to, but there was pain in her voice. He knew what that sounded like, knew what that kind of guilt would feel like. "Natalia, we can find survivors if you want."</p><p>"I never told SHIELD about that part. All they knew was that I went solo, I was a mercenary for hire. I had a very specific skill set, after all."</p><p>Bucky couldn't help but smile at her wry words. "Don't we both?"</p><p>"I didn't forget you, James," she whispered. "But I thought you were dead until you were there in Odessa for that scientist."</p><p>He winced. "Where I shot through you to kill him."</p><p>"But you didn't kill me when you should have. So something must've survived, even if they wiped you as clean as they could."</p><p>Sighing, he pulled her closer. She could pull away if she wanted to. She could beat him senseless, leave him for dead. But she let him draw her in, until their mouths were close and nearly touching. "I will always love you, Natalia, no matter what they do to me. You're the only thing that was ever real besides Steve."</p><p>Natasha closed the gap between them and kissed him. Soft and tender, her tongue sliding over his lips when he couldn't help but open his mouth. She was touching him, she was grounding him, and he needed her. He needed everything she was, the good parts of the past that he couldn't shake no matter how much he wanted to.</p><p>"I love you," he whispered against her mouth, loosening her hands to hold her close. Her own ran down his back, and her touch burned with a sweetness he had forgotten. He leaned into her, breathing her in, eyes closed and drowning in the sensation of her.</p><p>This was the heaven he had been afraid he'd lost. <i>I love you, I love you, I love you.</i></p><p>She tugged at his shirt, untucking it from his jeans, and then her hands were against his back, right along his skin. God, yes, he needed this, the heat of her, the realness of this, that she still loved him, she was with him, <i>this was actually happening.</i></p><p>Nails raking down his back, then the following heat and sting. Ah, she knew how to set him on fire without even stripping him completely bare. "I need you," he whispered against her mouth. "I love you."</p><p>Natasha crooned in Russian, and his groin tightened at the husky note to her voice. Yes, he could remember that now, the words and the way her hands ran down his body, clothes flying every which way so that they could feel each other from the inside out, breathe in each others' breaths, know that they were <i>real.</i></p><p>She led him from the armory, thank God, thank God, and his brain short circuited when he realized it was her bedroom. Did she share it with Clint? He wasn't there if she did, and she shoved him down on the bed before attacking his belt. Bucky wanted to laugh, this was ridiculous, it had to be a dream, but then her mouth was on him and he started to cry out and clutch at her blankets. He wanted this, he wanted her, and yes, yes, yes...</p><p>Bucky called out her name when he came, a burst of pleasure rippling down his spine. When was the last time he'd ever felt that good? Years and years ago.</p><p>He had to have her, skin to skin, and didn't care about shredding her clothes to get to her. Bucky had to suckle her breast, had to knead her bottom in both hands, then had to drop to his knees to worship her with his mouth and tongue. This was real, the heady scent of her, the taste on his lips and the pressure of her thighs against his cheeks. And ah, tugging on his hair, the sharp rippling feel of it, not quite pain, but directing him where she wanted him, giving him clues as to what she wanted while she panted and called out his name.</p><p>They lay on her bed in a tangle afterward, sweat cooling on their skin. He was grinning like a loon at her, and she took one look at his face before laughing. He didn't care, he never did, and the tightness in his chest eased.</p><p>
  <i>I love you, I love you, I love you.</i>
</p><p>Maybe he said it aloud, it didn't matter. No matter what language he used, there was her body next to his, her skin pressed to his, their breath mingling as their hearts beat in time.</p><p>
  <i>I love you, I love you, I love you.</i>
</p><p>This was a future he could believe in.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"Sir," JARVIS said in his usual gentle tones as Tony worked on another aspect of his armor. When Tony looked up with a questioning expression, JARVIS continued. "Sergeant Barnes should not have access to the armory. It sends him into severe distress."<p>Tony put down his tools, gaze distant. "Are you saying he had a panic attack when he walked into the armory?"</p><p>"Precisely."</p><p>Blowing out a breath, Tony nodded absently. "Okay. I guess that makes sense, right? He kept saying that he didn't want to be a weapon, and here we are, planning to take down Hydra?" He paused. "The maps and stuff in the conference room didn't do it? Just the guns?"</p><p>"Just the guns, Sir."</p><p>"Huh. Where's he now?"</p><p>"With Agent Romanoff. I don't think they'll want to be disturbed."</p><p>Tony's eyebrows rose. "Oh?" He smirked. "You don't say that if people are sparring in the gym, so it must be something <i>incredibly personal,</i> huh?" Of course neither would say anything in group dinners or social moments. "Hey now, isn't she with Legolas?"</p><p>"If you mean Agent Barton," JARVIS said, as dry as Pepper would be in this situation, "then they are indeed romantically involved."</p><p>"You take all the fun out of it, J."</p><p>JARVIS chuckled. "In this case, Sir, I am glad to be the killjoy. Agent Romanoff was quite clear on her privacy preferences, and Sergeant Barnes was unable to do so earlier. He is of sound mind more often, so I will be broaching the subject with him."</p><p>"Oh, don't," Tony said, grinning. "Not that I'd spy on the master spies all the time, but c'mon, it could be fun."</p><p>"Agent Romanoff threatened you with bodily harm, Sir," JARVIS reminded him.</p><p>Tony stopped for a moment. "Huh. Yeah, that's right." He picked up his tools again. "I'm almost done with this, and then the upgrades should be done. Is Bruce free?"</p><p>"He is meditating with Miss Lewis, Miss Maximoff and Loki."</p><p>The tools slipped out of Tony's hands. "He what? Loki's <i>meditating??"</i></p><p>"He does it quite frequently, Sir. You would benefit from it as well. Dr. Tran had suggested it multiple times, and you have yet to join them."</p><p>"Speaking of which, where is she?"</p><p>"She left the Tower for her own therapy session."</p><p>"How far along is she in her wedding planning?"</p><p>"This would be crossing boundaries, Sir," JARVIS reminded him in his driest tone.</p><p>Tony waved a hand negligently and bent to pick up his tools. "If she hasn't picked out a venue yet, I was thinking of offering up the new Malibu house as a reception location."</p><p>"I can clear this with Miss Potts and Dr. Tran."</p><p>Ah ha, that meant she hadn't picked a reception hall yet. They were pricey, and for all that he had offered a separate salary, she refused it. As a government employee and her husband-to-be a private contractor, most fancy locations would be terribly expensive. After all the help she'd given him as well as her steady presence with the rest of the team, she deserved a gift she could actually use.</p><p>"I can be nice sometimes, J," Tony pointed out.</p><p>"Far more than sometimes, Sir. I can calculate it exactly, if you like."</p><p>Tony laughed and shook his head. "No need." He tossed the wrench into the air and caught it. "I'll finish this, then see if our Manchurian Candidate is free to talk. Just to see if we need separate specs for his arm, or if having a separate locker for his stuff will be okay. No dirty details unless he feels like sharing, promise."</p><p>JARVIS chuckled. "I'm sure he will appreciate the restraint."</p><p>Turning back to work, Tony began to whistle. He was looking forward to this new kind of team building activity.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***<br/>***</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Team Work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Between Bucky's memories and the intelligence Clint and Natasha derived from various archives, multiple pins were placed across the world map. Red flags were armories, green flags were money caches, blue flags were research divisions, black flags were soldier training cells and yellow flags were spy cells. Sam whistled in amazement, and Wanda looked at it with a sinking feeling in her chest. "A lot of them could be gone already," Pietro murmured, picking up on her distress.</p><p>"Sokovia," she said, flicking a finger and throwing a bright red thread of magic to highlight a blue flag sticking out of the Sokovian capital.</p><p>"Would you be comfortable going there?" Tony asked, looking up from the table nearby. He was looking over the list of countries with Darcy and another person that Director Hill had suggested he hire to be the Avengers' diplomat. Wanda didn't remember her name.</p><p>"Of course. It was our home for many years. We'd know where anything is hidden," she replied.</p><p>"The mountains," Pietro scoffed. "Not in the city proper, but just outside it. You can't hide a lab in a city half bombed out."</p><p>"You'd be surprised what Hydra can do," Steve intoned from Darcy's other side. His grim expression told everyone in the room just how much he remembered from WWII; some of the cells he and the Howling Commandos had exterminated had been reborn after he had gone into the ice. Seeing the pins on the board in the same spots had made him flinch.</p><p>"Probably not," Bruce sighed, looking over the map. "But you probably don't want me there. If I lose control and Hulk out..."</p><p>Wanda knew how much he feared the Hulk springing forth and wreaking havoc. She left Pietro's side to grasp his hand tightly and offer him a warm smile. "But we can work in Sokovia together, Bruce. We've been working so hard on our meditation, I'll know if your calm is lost."</p><p>As she hoped, the corner of his mouth softened and he almost smiled. "If you're sure."</p><p>"And I'm fast," Pietro added, crossing his arms. "I can run fast enough to knock you out if she can't calm you down."</p><p>Tony didn't make any disparaging or sarcastic comments, which was helpful in this instance. He only nodded and then grabbed his tablet to begin forming the different teams working together. "I think we can divvy up the pins, make it so we're not all in one place together and overloading the local governments."</p><p>The diplomat nodded and made notations in her own tablet. Wanda thought that she had to be tough in her own right, and not just a pretty face. "We still have to do this the right way," she said, voice calm and sure. "You don't go in until I say so."</p><p>"Ma'am, yes, ma'am," Tony said, giving a salute just tinged with snark. At her pointed stare, he deflated a bit. "Okay, Agent Carter."</p><p>Wanda startled and approached. "Carter? As in, Peggy Carter that founded SHIELD?" When the older Avengers looked at her in surprise, she shrugged. "I studied the history of the organization after we took it down. I wanted to know if it was worth saving."</p><p>The woman's expression softened, and she walked over to Wanda with her hand out to shake. "I'm Sharon Carter. Peggy's my aunt, and I think it's worth saving."</p><p>Shaking her hand, Wanda smiled. "We do, too."</p><p>"So wait, that means Steve was almost your uncle?" Pietro asked, coming up behind Wanda.</p><p>Sharon laughed, making her expression and physical demeanor that much less severe. "Maybe."</p><p>Steve was already wagging a finger at Pietro in admonishment. "Don't even go there."</p><p>"Instead of Dad Steve, we get to call you Uncle Steve," Pietro chortled. He looked over at Sam, who was poring over the upgrades Tony made to his wings. "And you're Uncle Sam!"</p><p>Sam looked up with a grin and shot him the finger. "I already get those jokes from my sister's kids, don't think I don't know how to deal with you."</p><p>"Maybe the children shouldn't go fighting a war," Steve intoned. At the twins' incredulous expressions, he smirked. "Don't make me play the dad card."</p><p>"As much as I love the snark and family vibe," Darcy called out, "we need to divvy you guys into teams so I know what I need to tweet."</p><p>Pietro threw up his hands. "You guys are no fun."</p><p>"Save the fun times for keggers," Tony suggested. He pointed toward the map. "Seriously, if that's going to be too stressful, don't feel like you have to take Sokovia."</p><p>"It's our home," Wanda told him firmly. "As much as this is. It should be up to us to save it."</p><p>Tony shrugged. "Okay, then. Now, whatever pin the super spies take, Bucky goes with them." He looked back down at his tablet. "Is three the magic number, or do we need to make groups of four for this?"</p><p>Darcy looked down at her own tablet. "I have Bruce, Pietro and Wanda on one team for sure. We have Bucky, Clint and Natasha. Should we break up the lovebirds?" she asked, looking at Steve and Sam with a serious expression.</p><p>"You're not breaking up Clint and Natasha," Sam said after authorizing Tony's changes on his tablet. He shrugged at her stare. "They can work together and still be a couple. And the two of us work well together. Not to mention I'm the other Captain America now."</p><p>As Darcy blinked in surprise, Tony laughed. "I wondered when you were going to pull that card. Should I join your team? Only for fighting," he added quickly and raising a hand before Steve could open his mouth. "I swear I wasn't needling you."</p><p>"Oh man, I need to get up on all the team jokes," Darcy said, shaking her head.</p><p>"Hang out with us long enough, you'll get 'em," Tony assured her.</p><p>"We still have Thor and Loki," Sharon said. She pursed her lips. "While they're strong enough to be a team of their own, it might look more like an Asgardian invasion."</p><p>"We are allies!" Thor cried, affronted.</p><p>"Optics," she pointed out, giving him a humorless expression. "We have treaties, but not all countries that have Hydra cells do."</p><p>"I'm sure Director Hill will want Agent O'Keefe with my brother," Thor said. "Would that lessen your optics concern?"</p><p>Sharon thought it over. "Maybe. We'd still want to make sure you're not in any country that would see it as an invasion of territory."</p><p>"So... Not in some of the Asian countries, then," he sighed. "But the foods are so delicious."</p><p>Tony grinned and slapped his back. "We'll get takeout for you, big guy. Promise."</p><p>"That gives us three teams of three," Darcy said. "Do we give them team names? I can get a hashtag trending if we do."</p><p>"We might shake up different teams," Bruce pointed out. "Loki and Wanda do magic, and they might work together in those kinds of situations."</p><p>"Well, I think Clint, Natasha and Bucky would be good as Team Spy Kids," Darcy said. She looked around Conference Room A. "Speaking of, where are they?"</p><p>"Gym for training," Steve said. "Buck didn't feel good looking at that map."</p><p>"Can't blame him," Sharon sighed, shaking her head. "Makes me feel sick looking at it, too."</p><p>"Considering you're our diplomatic liaison," Tony mused, looking at her, "is it wrong for you to join in the fun?" At her raised eyebrow, he grinned. "I'd be accused of money grubbing if my team went for money caches, but you can probably go in and repatriate it to those countries Hydra stole it from, right?"</p><p>"Then you're not going to the weapons caches?" she asked.</p><p>"Hey, I'm in clean energy and R&amp;D that helps people. I've been out of the weapons business for a while," Tony protested.</p><p>"Unless it's where your friend Colonel Rhodes is concerned?"</p><p>"How did you—" He stopped himself and shook his head. "Right. Info dump and military info sharing initiatives." Shrugging, Tony looked Sharon right in the eye. "Rhodey is a good guy. I'm sure he can help us with this, too. No one would accuse <i>him</i> of weapons hoarding, not when he's so clearly apple pie in the sky, right?"</p><p>"Right," Sharon agreed, nodding.</p><p>"Then if they don't like me going with the Caps after a weapons cache, we can probably tap him to go there." Tony shrugged, not perturbed in the slightest. He looked over at Bruce and the twins. "Want Iron Man with you in Sokovia? I'm down for a good R&amp;D cell."</p><p>Pietro blew out a breath. "Are you going to destroy more of our country?"</p><p>"Not planning on it," Tony said honestly. "And truthfully, while the missiles said Stark, weren't they purchased by the rebel group trying to overthrow the government?"</p><p>Wanda put a hand on Pietro's arm to keep him from exploding. "What do you know about it?"</p><p>"I can do research, too," Tony said, raising his hands in surrender. "After what you said, I started looking into different rebel groups that bought up Stark Tech."</p><p>Sharon pinched the bridge of her nose with a pained expression. "Just run one kind of job for now. We can't have you all over the world trying to correct everything."</p><p>"Not everything!" Tony protested.</p><p>"Hydra should've been destroyed years ago," Steve said, his voice somber and commanding at once. "But governments thought having their intelligence to use was more important than honoring and saving all the lives they took. So now it's up to us to correct that mistake. It's up to us to make sure they don't destroy the lives of the innocent."</p><p>Darcy was frantically writing all that down on her tablet and Sam smirked at her. "Stick around, he really does say all that stuff on the fly."</p><p>Steve gave him a playful shove in the arm. "I mean every word!"</p><p>"We know you do," Sharon said, a fond note in her voice. "And so does the rest of the world."</p><p>"Well, we have our teams, then," Darcy said, a bright note as she smiled. "So even if we don't come up with cute team names, we'll get some positive views of you guys before you go in. I'm looking forward to seeing that map without all of the pins in it."</p><p>So did everyone else.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"We can switch it up, get the money caches instead of weapons and training cells." Clint unwrapped his hands and looked up at Bucky, who still sat in the gym where he collapsed after their sparring session. Natasha was stretching out her arms and would soon loosen the kinks in her leg muscles. As much as it would be fun to see her do that, he could watch her later. Right now, Bucky's blank expression was worrisome.<p>How much did he dissociate?</p><p>Bucky looked up, eyes clear despite the weariness in his shoulders and expression. "No, I can do it. I can," he insisted at Clint's dubious look.</p><p>"Not thrilled with the idea of triggering panic attacks, to be honest," Clint told him. Dropping the tape, he approached Bucky and dropped into a crouch before reaching out to touch his shoulder. The metal was smooth and cold under his fingers, and he knew Bucky would still be able to feel the gentle touch thanks to new sensory synapses that Tony had programmed. "No shame in it if it's still too new."</p><p>"No, I'm good. I've been doing visualization techniques."</p><p>"Okay, then," Clint told him with a nod. "But if it starts to go sideways, we'll pull the plug and then head to an alternate site."</p><p>"I have a playlist, too," Bucky insisted.</p><p>"Say what?"</p><p>"JARVIS helped me make a playlist. So it'll be running in the background, and I'll know that it's not the past." He smiled sheepishly at Clint's surprise. "Dr. Tran suggested different grounding techniques. They slow down the flashbacks."</p><p>Clint squeezed his shoulder. "That's a good idea."</p><p>"Tell him what you're listening to," Natasha teased, stretching her quads.</p><p>"You call it all emo music."</p><p>"Well, it is," she laughed, eyes alight. "You're going through a delayed adolescent phase, huh?"</p><p>"Oh, you're a fine one to talk," Clint laughed, falling into a seated position next to Bucky. "I distinctly remember someone doing a pop princess phase when you discovered American music." At her disgruntled huff, he laughed harder. "Oh, I'm on to you. You want people to think that you're all classical music and ballet moves."</p><p>"To be fair, she's got the moves," Bucky said dutifully, turning to look at her.</p><p>"To be fair," Clint acknowledged with a grin. </p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes and looked at them both with a fond smile. "Anyway. I figured it's better to get all of the weapons out of play first. Money caches are good, too, but we can hit those at the same time."</p><p>"You just want to see what they have," Clint teased.</p><p>"Some of them were developing new kinds of scopes and rifles," Bucky mused. He grinned at Natasha pointing at him as if to tell Clint <i>see?</i></p><p>JARVIS made a soft chirping noise. "The first team assignments are made. As requested, you three are working together and will have your pick of locales to start with. If you could let Agent Carter know, she will smooth the way with local governments."</p><p>"Copy that," Natasha said with a decided nod. "I made a list."</p><p>Bucky blew out a breath. "Okay. I trust you."</p><p>Clint reached out and squeezed his shoulder again. "When do you feel ready to start?"</p><p>Swallowing, Bucky had a sickly smile on his face. "Now's good."</p><p>"Then you pick the place."</p><p>"Really?" Bucky asked, looking over their faces. "Then Paris."</p><p>"What? Why?" Clint asked, wrinkling his nose.</p><p>"Because I never actually got a chance to see the city. It might be nice to play tourist for a little bit afterward," Bucky told him, feeling self conscious.</p><p>"I like that idea," Natasha said, smiling encouragingly at him while Clint mulled it over.</p><p>That was their first stop, and they divided the Paris depot. It was three levels deep, hidden behind what looked like a rusted access door in the subway system. No one was guarding it, there were no traps on the door, and Bucky's old access code as the Asset didn't trigger any alarms or booby traps to make it explode. The door simply swung open so they could sweep the area ahead of the recovery teams.</p><p>"Hey, lemme hear what's on your playlist," Clint said over the comms after a few minutes.</p><p>"Why? So you can make fun of me some more?" Bucky replied, ducking around a corner. He'd played some of it on the quinjet as the trio flew to France, and Clint couldn't stop laughing at Bucky's "adolescent phase" music.</p><p>"Oh, come on," Clint laughed, and Bucky imagined his wide grin. "It's just that the songs on it are like, ten years old."</p><p>"There are newer ones on it!" he protested.</p><p>"All emo stuff, huh?" Clint teased. His laughter was warm and made Bucky grin. "They should call you the Emo Soldier instead of the Winter Soldier."</p><p>"You're such an asshole," Bucky grumbled, shaking his head and smiling.</p><p>"You're not the first to say so," Clint replied cheerfully, "And you won't be the last."</p><p>Bucky heard his footsteps on the upper deck, and was comforted by that as much as the music playing in a different comm channel. JARVIS was kind enough to figure out how to have the main channel up as well as his background music, so he could have that running.</p><p>Natasha tsk'ed in the comms. "Boys," she said in a droll tone. "Play nice."</p><p>"Yes, dear," Clint snarked.</p><p>Bucky just laughed out loud as he kicked in a door. "Just weapons," he called out.</p><p>"You sure you're okay?" Natasha asked in concern.</p><p>"I practiced," Bucky reminded her. "The music and guided imagery."</p><p>"Overachiever."</p><p>He grinned at Clint's grousing tone. The playful banter reminded him of the Howlies, and that was another thing that was completely separate from his memories of being the Asset. He tapped his earpiece, splitting channels so that Clint and Natasha could hear his music in the background as well. Natasha's chuckle was warm honeysuckle, and Clint brayed.</p><p>"Oh my God, I totally had you pegged," Clint said. Bucky heard him kick open a door both through his open ear and through the comm. "Early 2000's and 2010's."</p><p>"You recognize the music," Natasha pointed out, laughing.</p><p>"I didn't say I didn't like it!" A thoughtful pause. "Oh, baby."</p><p>"What?" Natasha asked.</p><p>"The scope on this thing is a work of art. Can I keep this beauty?"</p><p>Bucky barked with laughter. His reverent tone had to be for one of the experimental rifles that he had used twenty years ago. "You know, that's older than the music I'm listening to right now."</p><p>"It's a classic and beautiful and I want it."</p><p>Natasha laughed along with Bucky. "Not much can get you sounding like that."</p><p>"We're cataloguing and confiscating," Bucky said, kicking open another door. "You can call dibs after it's all brought in."</p><p>"Just so we know that it's <i>mine,"</i> Clint conceded, moving to another door.</p><p>"Duly noted," Bucky said as Natasha laughed.</p><p>"Oh, hey, I remember this song," Clint said when the tracks switched. "I like this one. We should do this more, have playlists for running missions."</p><p>"Action movie soundtracks?" Natasha teased.</p><p>"Or it would be hilarious if we kicked ass to Sarah McLachlan and Tori Amos," Clint laughed.</p><p>"Do I even wanna know?" Bucky asked. "I haven't heard of them."</p><p>Clint chuckled as if he had an evil idea. "More stuff to introduce you to."</p><p>"Seriously?" Natasha asked.</p><p>"What? I went to the Lilith Fair!"</p><p>"What's that?"</p><p>"Music festival with all women headliners in the 90's," Clint replied promptly.</p><p>"Doesn't seem like your style," Bucky commented.</p><p>"I might've gone with a girlfriend at the time," Clint admitted in a mumble.</p><p>Natasha laughed. "Now it all makes sense..."</p><p>"But the songs are still good! Promise!"</p><p>Bucky kicked in the last door. "My floor's clear. All weapons, no files or other tech."</p><p>"Same," Clint reported.</p><p>"My computer station's a bust. Just inventory, no outside access." Natasha blew out a breath. "We can regroup, call SHIELD in."</p><p>Bucky caught up with Clint before they met up in the antechamber with Natasha. "I was afraid for nothing," he admitted, grinning at Clint.</p><p>"I told you, you'd be fine."</p><p>"God, I could kiss you right now," Bucky laughed in relief. Clint only shrugged at him, and Bucky stopped short. "Really?"</p><p>"I guess. Probably won't do anything for me, though..."</p><p>Catching hold of Clint, Bucky kissed him full on the mouth. Lips parting, he slid his tongue into Clint's mouth and held him close, heart pounding in his chest. This was adrenaline and relief and emotions that didn't know where else to go.</p><p>Once the kiss was broken, Clint shrugged at Bucky. "Good kiss, but yeah, I don't want to bang you or anything. Sorry."</p><p>He didn't even care. Bucky was still grinning at him, still holding onto the back of his neck and the small of his back. "I didn't break. I didn't flash back. I'm still me."</p><p>Clint returned his grin. "Good. 'Cause we've got lots more bunkers where this came from."</p><p>Giddy, Bucky followed Clint to meet Natasha.</p><div class="center">
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Teaming Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So much Real Life going on, SO MUCH. I have one banked chapter, and this is it. For the past few weeks I haven't been able to write, but there likely is only one chapter left after this one!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wanda, Pietro and Bruce walked into the center of the rubble that once had been the Maximoff home. "This is where we used to live," Pietro said, looking up. "We were young, too young to know how fast it could all go."</p><p>Bruce nodded and looked up at the wreckage. "Shannon said you were living in here even afterward? Not always with family?"</p><p>"We were obligations. So we were here or getting involved with different groups." Wanda looked around, shoulders falling. "The world needs to be changed. How else were we going to do it?" she asked, looking up at him with a plaintive expression.</p><p>He nodded at her. "Why else do any of it? It's leaving a mark, knowing a place is better with you in it." His smile was sad. "Intentions are good, anyway. Can't always say my outcomes are."</p><p>Pietro smiled at him. "Well, if the Other Guy wants to come out and play with Hydra, he'll have lots of fun with them."</p><p>The trio walked the streets, Wanda in the lead. She wasn't glowing red, but still could feel the essences and humming sounds of the people around her. Pietro and Bruce had her back, allowing her mind to wander elsewhere. "The city is clear," she said after an hour of walking. She heard the exhaustion in her voice, but that was physical exhaustion as well as mental.</p><p>"Do you need to stop?" Pietro asked in concern, coming to her side immediately.</p><p>She waved him off. "Outside the city proper. It really will be in the mountains."</p><p>All three looked at the ruins outside the forest. "They really went over the top with the comic book villainy, didn't they?" Bruce murmured.</p><p>"But at least no outposts in the city." Pietro grinned. "I can run up there with you both in no time. Or one at a time if I can't actually carry you both at once."</p><p>Wanda held a hand aloft. "Or I can create a portal."</p><p>Pietro nearly pouted at her. "Don't I get any of the fun around here?"</p><p>"Well, you get to go scout entrances and exits," Bruce pointed out. "We'll start casually walking in that direction, and I'm sure you'll find everything."</p><p>His eyes sparked with joy, and Wanda reached out to squeeze Bruce's hand in thanks. Once Pietro ran off in a blur of gray, she grinned. "I didn't think of that, thank you."</p><p>"It's hard, balancing relationships and powers."<br/>She looked at him in surprise. "Relationships? So who did you leave behind?"</p><p>Bruce would've flushed if he was the type. Instead, he looked off in the distance as they walked in the general directions of the castle ruins. "Betty Ross. Smart, beautiful, entirely too good for me, and unfortunately is also General Ross' daughter."</p><p>"Too good for you and smart are exactly the same thing," Wanda said, the corner of her mouth quirking up. "And General Ross might be an important man, but it can be argued you are, too."</p><p>"Sure I am," Bruce sighed, shoving his hands in his pants pocket. "In the sense that he considers me United States property because of the serum that changed my body. Can't get the serum out of me, so if I'm not their property, I'm a thief."</p><p>"And working with the Avengers..." she began in a leading tone.</p><p>"Protects me somewhat. But I'm sure that Sharon Carter and Darcy are going to get shit for it at some point. He really hasn't given up on using me if he can."</p><p>"He'd have to get through the rest of us," Wanda said, voice hard.</p><p>Bruce nodded, that sad smile twisting his lips again. "I know. And that's what I'm afraid of."</p><p>Pietro ran up to them, hair a bit mussed from the speed of his movements. "Six doors, two from tunnels, and there are three bunkers on the grounds." He grinned and looked far too proud of himself. Wanda tilted her head to side and gave him an assessing glance. "What?"</p><p>"What did you do?"</p><p>"Locked them all in."</p><p>"With what?" Bruce asked, looking at him in surprise.</p><p>"Some of them use keypads to get in and out," Pietro said with a grin. "How can they get out with no power? And then simple padlocks on the outside. We control who goes in and out now."</p><p>Wanda looked at Bruce. "Well, then. Time to go in. Is the Hulk ready?"</p><p>"I'm not too confident about the Big Guy... He and I haven't been getting along lately."</p><p>"Because you lock him up like a toddler," Pietro said, shooting Bruce a disappointed look. "I'd be pissed off, too, locked in a cage and never let out."</p><p>Bruce blew out an uneasy breath. "You think so?"</p><p>"Yeah. We're here if he goes out of control," Pietro said, patting his shoulder.</p><p>Wanda touched Bruce's elbow. "And I can feel him, Bruce. He's your anger and fear, and doesn't know why he is."</p><p>"With Harlem and the helicarrier and New York... I don't want him destroying everything."</p><p>"He can't learn what's appropriate to destroy if you don't teach him," Pietro shrugged. "And we luckily have castle ruins full of Hydra tech that needs to be destroyed."</p><p>"Somehow, I don't think it's that easy."</p><p>Pietro looped an arm through Bruce's and grinned. "Somehow, I think it is. I think you're overthinking it, and letting <i>your</i> fear get in the way."</p><p>Wanda grinned and let the red magic flitter around her fingers. "And that's my job."</p><p>"People weren't always so nice after the Battle of New York," Bruce sighed. "I guess... I don't know if I can keep things from going overboard."</p><p>The twins nodded in understanding. "We'll help you teach him, just as you helped teach us how to deal with the grief we carry."</p><p>Giving them a confident smile, Bruce nodded toward the ruins. "Then let's go."</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>"I think I'm in love," Tony breathed, mouth dropping open inside of his Iron Man suit as he looked around the research depot. It was all engineering based for vehicles, weapons and shielding, and his mind was already whirring with possibilities of adapting the tech for Avengers use. "Oh, wait, don't tell Pepper that, J."<p>"I wouldn't dream of it, Sir," JARVIS intoned. Why did he program the AI with sass again?</p><p>"What've you got?" Steve asked over comms. "I'm looking at a lot of raw materials here."</p><p>Tony was almost gleeful. "I got the better end of the deal, Cap. I got the end results."</p><p>"Aw, I think I'm jealous," Sam snarked over the comms, laughter in his voice. "All I got was a chance to beat up on Hydra goons."</p><p>"I think we all got little party favors," Tony laughed in return. "I think we have authority to confiscate everything here, right?"</p><p>"Sharon said any personnel had to be brought to trial, but yes, equipment we can take and redistribute as necessary. I don't think she said anything about raw materials," Steve said.</p><p>"Considering they probably stole it from the locals, it'll be best to give it back," Sam said.</p><p>"I like that idea. We'll call in the local SHEILD office and they can get to redistributing all of this stuff. We can probably hit up another one or two of these depot locations, right?" Steve asked, sounding a little too eager.</p><p>Tony could imagine a bodybuilder style Captain America flex, not that Steve did such thing intentionally. He was far too earnest and righteous for grandstanding like that, but it was still fun to think about. "Think the others are having as much fun as we are?"</p><p>Sam laughed. "Oh, probably. We all played to our strengths here."</p><p>"Is it bad that I expected more resistance?" Steve asked, concern in his voice.</p><p>"Nah, I did, too," Sam said.</p><p>"I think it's a question of who actually knew about these places," Tony said, looking around and scanning the structure. "Most of the locations seemed hidden, so I doubt most rank and file people knew about them. We got a lot of the higher ups already, so now it's just flushing out the other Hydra goons that are hanging onto their ideology."</p><p>"Hopefully this time it'll be over," Steve sighed.</p><p>"Even if it's not, you've got a whole team to take them out," Tony promised.</p><p>On that note, Tony contacted the local SHIELD office for goon and materials pickup. If Steve was really itching for a fight, they could probably hit up another three depots before calling the day done.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Loki, Thor and Agent O'Keefe arrived in one of the research locations via portal. She wobbled a bit as she stepped through, looking around them into the sterile white space. "You've taken portals with me before," Loki murmured, shutting the portal behind them.<p>"I got used to LA to New York," she admitted with a shrug. "This felt different, though."</p><p>"Quite the distance, I would imagine. We're in Germany now," Thor said.</p><p>O'Keefe shot a look at Loki. "They were okay with you returning here."</p><p>"I have weregild to repay," Loki replied stiffly, not looking at her. He was already striding forward, chin up high and eyes on alert for danger. His black hair was left loose, and he was wearing a modified form of the Asgardian armor he was used to. "SHIELD requested all of their research, did they not?"</p><p>She nodded and continued forward. Instead of her usual pantsuit, she had come dressed in tactical gear. Around her waist were several pouches hanging from a belt, and she patted one now. "USB drives in case there's anything to download."</p><p>Thor nodded appreciatively at her. "Is it inappropriate to call you by your first name?" he asked as they proceeded into the facility. "I did that with Agent Gray on occasion."</p><p>O'Keefe flicked her eyes at Loki, whose expression remained impassive. "I'm really not a fan of my first name. Never got around to changing it, though." At Thor's look of polite interest and Loki's utter disinterest she sighed a little. "It's Georgia." He didn't respond so she inclined her head slightly. "Like the painter."</p><p>"Oh, how delightful," Thor said with a smile. "Related?"</p><p>She shook her head. "Not by a long shot. But my mother was an art major and loved her work. So when she married an O'Keefe..." Her voice trailed off as she shrugged. "I'm not a fan of the art, especially with the teasing in school."</p><p>"Why would they tease you?" Thor asked with a frown.</p><p>A shout down the hallway cut off her reply. Glock in hand, she slipped into her usual triangular stance and squeezed off a shot that clipped the Hydra guard in the shoulder. "Play time's over, then," she said instead.</p><p>Thor couldn't help but grin even as Loki had a grim smile of his own. "They can't best us," he said, not looking at O'Keefe or Thor. "Why do they even try?"</p><p>"Why does anyone ever try?" O'Keefe responded as they advanced, Glock at the ready. "They can't accept that they lost and don't believe in giving up."</p><p>That could've been a loaded comment, but O'Keefe didn't mean it that way. Loki could tell that much; she knew his tangled history with SHIELD and Earth, but never made snide comments at or about him. Rather like working with Agent Gray, Loki was treated as an equal, an actual Agent of SHIELD.</p><p>He still couldn't tell if he liked that or not.</p><p>German authorities were unlikely to approve of Loki taking more lives, so he used a staff pulled out of his pocket dimension armory. O'Keefe could shoot whoever she liked, and Thor had Mjolnir to discharge electricity and destroy computer banks at will. Loki had a golden staff with runes carved into its length, a large emerald at the top. It glowed a sickly green as he swung and connected with the Hydra agent charging at him.</p><p>Loki remembered an outing with Miguel Gray and his fiancé Daniel, before he knew what paintball was. He'd been upset at getting pelted relentlessly, but Daniel had laughed hard enough to get red in the face as he leaned against Miguel. Once he realized what he looked like covered in paint, and that the laughter wasn't meant to demean him, he had seen the humor in his appearance as well. It had been a mark of friendship and acceptance.</p><p>O'Keefe didn't approve of art, but he could perhaps find something else they could bond over.</p><p>Fighting Hydra agents together was a start. O'Keefe could manipulate the computers and withdraw information, through if he wanted to he could probably figure out how to do it all on his own. But to be fair, O'Keefe's only crime was that she wasn't Miguel.</p><p>With a blast of green magical energy around him, Loki charged ahead with the staff in hand. These last Hydra agents were easy pickings. Thor was laughing as he followed Loki's lead, reminding him of one of Thor's charges when they were younger. It was rather his style: go all in, wreaking havoc and causing the most damage before picking off the stragglers. As far as Hydra agents went, that was an effective strategy. The remnants were too scattered and divided as they tried to recapture their prior assets.</p><p>They really had no hope of winning.</p><p>Loki nearly laughed as he swept his staff to the side and conjured a shield of pure green-gold energy, just enough weight in his <i>seiðr</i> that it deflected bullets. Take that, Hydra, they can't defy a god.</p><p>The choking sounds behind him caught his attention. Frowning, he turned his back to the agents that were still shooting, confident that his shield would hold.</p><p>O'Keefe fell backward into Thor's arms, bullets in her chest and abdomen. Hydra hadn't used standard bullets but armor-piercing rounds.</p><p>With a roar or fury, magic gathered in Loki's hands. The brilliant green-gold glow suffused his staff as he raised it over his head in both hands, then he slammed it into the ground. The magic shot outward, bypassing O'Keefe and Thor. Every Hydra agent and scientist was targeted, the swaths of magic swirling around them, binding them and then snuffing out their breath in an instant. Each dropped to the ground, agonized expressions on their faces.</p><p>Striding forward as the magic wave dissipated, Loki ignored the pained expression on Thor's face. He had been hit with bullets, too, the same spray that had gotten O'Keefe. He was injured, but he was a god. He would heal.</p><p>A human wouldn't, not when armor-piercing rounds blew through lungs and gut like tissue paper, blood pooling beneath her and spilling over Thor.</p><p>Thor laid her down on the concrete with nothing more than an intense glare from Loki. "I've just gotten used to you," Loki growled at the dying O'Keefe, "and I'm not letting you go."</p><p>Staff laid beside her, Loki pressed his right hand over her heart. His eyes glowed, more gold than green, and the green was more prominent at his hands. Shifting his fingers, Loki pressed his thumb to his middle finger. The pointer and pinky fingers were extended, his ring finger at a precise angle. He moved his left hand over her chest, right next to his right wrist, then pulled upward with a sharp and deliberate movement. A twisted golden thread extended upward, shifting with each of O'Keefe's agonized breaths. In the lower third of the thread was a break, a single part of the twist left. Loki pulled back his left arm perpendicular to the thread. As he did so, the bullets lifted up out of O'Keefe's body. They dissolved into golden dust and the thread knit itself back together.</p><p>Finally, Loki relaxed his fingers and the shimmering gold magic winked out of existence. The green stayed a moment longer before dissolving as well.</p><p>Thor was gaping at him. "But... That was the <i>spá,"</i> he breathed, eyes wide.</p><p>"Yes, it was," Loki replied, falling back to sit on the ground from his kneeling position. He let out a heavy sigh. "I've always said that I didn't like doing it, not that I can't." Pulling a face, he shook his head. "Too many consequences to think about."</p><p>O'Keefe poked her fingers through the holes in her armor and clothing, touching sealed skin. She looked up at him, eyes and mouth open. "Thank you," she whispered.</p><p>"But the consequences?" Thor asked, resting his hand on Loki's shoulder in concern.</p><p>"Damn the consequences."</p><p>Reaching out to grasp Loki's knee, O'Keefe struggled to sit up. "If it comes down to it, I'll help you pay it."</p><p>Loki shook his head. "You're mortal, and you don't understand how the <i>spá</i> works."</p><p>"Actions have consequences. I'm supposed to be <i>dead</i> right now. I'm not, and I'm not sorry you did this." She squeezed his knee. "So if I can, I'll help you pay the price. It's only fair. You might understand the magic, but it's <i>my</i> death we put off."</p><p>Thor looked between the two. "It's likely very serious consequences. Mother didn't like to fool around with this magic, for all that she knows everything involved in it."</p><p>Pressing his lips together unhappily, Loki nodded and a shiver wracked his body. "But I couldn't let another of the good ones die," he said, voice small as he met O'Keefe's eyes. "I couldn't save Miguel, but I could save you."</p><p>"We finish the mission now," Thor said, squeezing Loki's shoulder. "And take note of these special bullets that they use. We must warn the others."</p><p>O'Keefe touched her earpiece. "On it."</p><p>Loki let out a heavy breath and dropped his head down to meet his knees as he pulled them up to his chest. Exhaustion weighed him down, but he could tolerate this. He could bear this slight consequence to his impulsive act.</p><p>But he was telling the truth. He couldn't watch another agent die in front of him. He couldn't stand by and let another life be snuffed out in exchange for his.</p><p>Shannon would say he was growing, that he developed a conscience. He had a heart, and he wasn't afraid to use it.</p><p>This hurt <i>so much</i> and was <i>such utter bullshit.</i> But as O'Keefe warned the others on a secure channel about the armor-piercing rounds, the look of gratitude in her eyes as she gazed at him warmed his chest and belly. She wouldn't die this day, not on his watch.</p><p>The love and pride in Thor's gaze helped, too.</p><p>This was his world now, after all. Loki could help make it even better.</p><div class="center">
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